You have probably been wondering what connection there is
between great crested newts and the ever-growing threat to the
British way of life. How have coypu infiltrated every level of
government, and what is the real reason that speed cameras are
breeding at such an alarming rate? Is global warming really
caused by breathing? Can the answer to life, the universe and
everything be found in children's stories, and does poetry
have a role to play? Who is Henry (Fred) "Shrimp"
Houseago, and does it matter? The answers to almost all of
these vital questions will occasionally be found here.
on 14 January 2008 at 06:00
Goodbye to all that after 11 years
The last Tim Lenton page of 2007 in the Eastern Daily Press
has proved, unexpectedly, to be the last of all. Published
continuously for more than 11 years - at first weekly, but
then fortnightly - the page has now been discontinued.
A final special one-off farewell page should be appearing in
the EDP later this month. When it does, it will also appear
here.
I will be hoping to spend more time with my family and am
open to offers of lucrative lecture tours and book deals.
Many thanks to all those who have read the page, either here
or in the EDP, and the many who responded to it. Please
continue to visit this website.
on 3 January 2008 at 20:23
'Harmless' Nelson, the great
campaigner
One of Norfolk’s most distinguished explorers, Richard
“Volcano” Meek, has asked me to settle an argument between
him and a good friend, who disagree over the significance and
dedication of the Nelson statue in Great Yarmouth.
He tells me: “She thinks it’s that sailor in Trafalgar Square
who did something very brave and clever like saving us from
the Armada, whereas I tend to think it’s dedicated to that
even bigger star, Willie Nelson, whose CDs are so readily
available along Regent Road and whom so many of
Yarmouth's citizens feel moved to emulate in attire.”
I am afraid they are both wide of the mark. I feel fairly
sure the dedication in question is to Willie (Horatio)
“Harmless” Nelson, the well known wherryman and
bittern-hunter. He still lives, as far as anyone knows, in a
cottage or sub-station in the Empty Quarter, south-east of
Halvergate.
He is a determined campaigner against all kinds of wind
farms, which he calls "shamefully subsidised concrete,
and a betrayal of humanity”. He is also against the European
Union, especially France and Spain.
Mirror, mirror
One of the big success stories of 2007 was the achievement of
perpetual motion by a Norwich chess player. He managed it not
through moving his king backwards and forwards but by the use
of a mirror – well, several mirrors, as it turned out.
Keen to purchase a glass that would fit perfectly into a
certain spot in his home, he visited a well-known home
improvement emporium, where he saw just what he wanted.
Unfortunately he couldn’t take it away: he had to order it.
It would come from Taiwan.
And eventually it did. It was packed carefully in cardboard,
and as you might expect, when it arrived it was broken.
The chess player contacted the call centre, which was up
north, and not in India. They were very helpful and ordered
him a replacement mirror. It came from Taiwan, wrapped in
cardboard, and when it arrived it was broken.
He got back to the call centre, who were sympathetic and
ordered him another one. In due course it arrived, wrapped in
cardboard. It was broken.
The chess player pointed out to the call centre that this was
happening – not surprisingly, since cardboard is poor
protection for a long, thin mirror. They grappled with the
problem - and ordered another one. This time he had to go up
to the shop to collect it. I don’t know why, but he asked for
it to be unwrapped before he took it away. It was broken.
This sort of thing is known to chess players as a series of
blunders, but there is no sign of it ending. Why should it?
The call centre don’t sell mirrors, so they’re not bothered.
Taiwan presumably keep getting paid for new mirrors, so
they’re not bothered. The parcel depot does what parcel
depots do.
Time for a little reflection, I think. Or a new year
resolution.
Deadly phrase, and there's a reason for
it
My exhausting survey of most annoying phrases of the year has
come up with a deadly top three:
1. There’s a reason for it 2. We’re making real progress 3.
The status quo is not an option.
Why are these phrases so annoying? In the second and third
cases because they’re hardly ever true. “Real progress” may
be defined as “nothing visible to the naked eye” and the
status quo is always an option, because it’s worked up to
now, often quite well, and as Daniel Webster said: “A strong
conviction that something must be done is the parent of many
bad measures.”
“There’s a reason for it” however wins the Worst Phrase of
2007 Award because it’s a little more subtle: yes, there is
always a reason for it. But that doesn’t mean it’s a good
reason, and where the phrase is used by a politician, you can
be fairly sure the reason is not what they’d like you to
think it is.
Arts organisation fails to win marathon
I must declare an interest. The best theatrical experience
I’ve had this year was Under Milk Wood, put on by the
Oxfordshire Touring Company at Bergh Apton Village Hall under
the sponsorship of Creative Arts East. It was stunning, and
packed out.
Nearly five years ago I became involved in a poetry and
visual arts touring exhibition, also put on by Creative Arts
East. This very successful enterprise (there were other
similar ones) eventually led the poets and artists involved
to form InPrint, a collaborative group that is still going
strong.
So I am hardly objective when I say that axing Creative Arts
East’s funding is a short-sighted move that is bound to hurt
the Norfolk villages where it has opened so many high-quality
artistic doors.
How is this linked to the London Olympics? Maybe not at all,
but when money is taken away from successful groups, you
can’t help wondering where it’s going. And if there’s
something massive on the horizon that eats money…
Unconditional giving: there's a season for
it
At the end of the gift-giving season comes the thank-you
season.
One woman wrote to a national paper saying that if she was
thanked by e-mail, the offending e-mailer would get no more
presents from her. She wanted proper letters.
Shame on her. The right attitude to gift-giving is to expect
nothing in return. Giving is only giving if it is free of any
strings - and that includes checking to see if your
tastefully chosen ornament has pride of place on its
recipient’s mantelpiece, or that your grand-daughter is
wearing the delightful but old-fashioned dress you chose for
her.
Thank-yous don’t work if they are demanded on pain of
punishment or deprivation. They should be as freely offered
as the gifts themselves. One of the problems with this
post-Christian society is that we’re always trying to balance
the books. We won’t give unless we receive. Fortunately, God
is not like that. Heaven help us if he was.
Road safety expert will be sadly missed
Most missed in 2008: road safety expert and campaigner Paul
Smith, who did so much to challenge received wisdom and those
with axes to grind, and who died this month at the tragically
early age of 52.
Final comment: "British road safety was the best in the
world. Now it is institutionally incompetent at the highest
level."