26 February 2007

on 26 February 2007 at 05:00

Crises bring dictators out of the woodwork

You may get hot under the collar about global warming, or it may send a shiver of indifference up your spine. But one thing is sure: it brings a worrying assortment of would-be dictators out of the woodwork.

With every prediction of catastrophe from scientists or politicians comes another opportunity for the enforcers to scramble on to the moral high ground and punish those who would rather chew things over than blindly swallow whatever ill-thought- out fast-food climate recipe fits the day’s headlines.

Some of these potential dictators work for pressure groups; others are in the House of Commons. But the most disturbing kind are in local government.

There is nothing that any local council in the United Kingdom can do to affect the world’s climate. The very idea is ludicrous. But this does not stop council leaders like Serge Lourie, of the London Borough of Richmond, from wanting to penalise residents who own and park vehicles that don’t meet his criteria for carbon emissions. And of course he would like other councils to follow his lead.

So he must be pleased with Brighton, where the council wants to increase the cost of a parking permit by 50 per cent for those residents whose cars emit higher levels of carbon dioxide. And with any other council that goes along that road.

Individuals may very reasonably want to purchase vehicles that emit less carbon dioxide: they are free to do so, and there is no reason why the Government should not encourage them. But where a local council takes it upon itself to act as judge and jury in a case where we are not even sure there is a crime, it goes far beyond its remit.

A long time ago, H L Mencken said that “the urge to save humanity is almost always a false front for the urge to rule”. The anger gives it away.

And now for somewhere completely different

The inhabitants of sleepy little Thetford got a little miffed when Americans living there affectionately renamed their fine town Theftford, in memory of … well, certain losses.

But it got me wondering. What other local place names are open to this kind of creative reinterpretation? The one that sprang to mind immediately was Slowestoft, in recognition of its being the home of apparently permanent roadworks and ever- deepening frustration.

Others were inviting, but less apposite. Flakenham does not see exceptional snowfall; nor does it boast an extraordinary number of unbalanced people, as far as I am aware. There are not that many murders in Killverstone, and robberies in Stealham are not so much above the national average.

Loverstrand may be a seductive spot for an illicit liaison, but there are not many explosions in Bangham. Street attacks in Maulbarton are relatively rare, and Yellverton, I seem to remember from when I lived there, was not noted for its noisy drunks; nor is Sweardeston.

Achle can be a bit of a pain on summer Saturdays, but Burglingham’s houses are pretty secure. I may have been bribed not to insert a letter in Bungay, but when it comes to Wymondham – well, you can insert as many letters as you like: they’ll all be silent.

Drereham is not as boring as all that. Plumpstead does not attract oversize people, any more than Leanwade is a haven for slimmers. And as for Freedham, it’s a nice idea.

Newts' scheme is for the birds

The scheme by great crested newts to get themselves categorised as “endangered” and then obtain additional living space by forcing road builders to construct expensive newt-friendly estates has rebounded rather badly.

A reader tells me that highly expensive fencing was erected to collect at-risk newts at Wymondham when the new A11 was built. Collecting stations were positioned every 50 yards or so, consisting of pots into which the newts were supposedly to fall to safety.

The theory seemed quite good, but the fencing was held up by posts, most of which were adjacent to the collection points.

Travelling to work early in the mornings, my informant would frequently see a magpie on each post, waiting for his breakfast.

Magpies tend to be earlier risers than conservationists and are not endangered at all. Rumours that they were employed as consultants to the contractors have however been discounted.

Norfolk legend Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago, who was involved in the original battles against expansionist newts, was reported last night to be celebrating callously at a pub near Erpingham.

Magpies are believed by many newts to be an omen of bad luck. They are watching the plans for the Norwich North Distributor Road very closely.

Déjà vu all over again

The original Attleborough bypass, in all its single carriageway glory, was completed in 1984 – just over 20 years before construction on the new all-singing, up-and- down dual carriageway began.

Even the most short-sighted of us could see that bypass number one was a waste of time and money of monumental proportions, and so it has proved.

Perhaps those who approved it would like to step forward, preferably into the middle of the new road, and apologise.

With the missing £8 million this time round, and the shoulder-shrugging refusal of the Highways Agency to upgrade the Besthorpe junction, the words déjà and vu will not be far from many people’s lips.

Going in the right direction?

Seven more people died on Norfolk roads last year than in 2005. Figures for the last three years were 64, 59 and 66, which certainly doesn’t constitute a steady downward trend – the sort of trend that might be expected with the big advances in vehicle safety, road engineering and, ahem, devices designed to reduce the speed of traffic.

The figures reflect the national situation pretty closely, and beg one pretty obvious question: Is the Government going in the right direction?

The fashion nowadays is to accept everything government scientists say or be accused of being “in denial”. This is an even less healthy trend. More thought, please.

12 February 2007

on 12 February 2007 at 05:15

Highways Agency steals scenery idea

Some time ago, after noticing that roadworks delays could be quite pleasant if they happened in the stunning scenery of Glen Coe, I suggested importing mountains to Norfolk to re-create the experience here.

Now the Highways Agency has stolen my idea. Well, almost. They suggested last week landscaping the approaches to Yarmouth, particularly four key roundabouts ¬ – using not mountains, unfortunately, but sculptural features representing the cultural heritage of the town.

This, in Glen Coe style, would take motorists’ minds off the delays and congestion caused by the poor road conditions in the area.

The study that produced the idea came in at £30,000 – only about £29,800 more than it cost me to do the Scottish research. When you consider the cost of carrying out the work, you can safely add in a few more zeroes. So if the Highways Agency has that kind of money floating about, couldn’t it use it to actually improve the roads?

Ah, no, of course. It’s from a different budget.

So of course we can’t do anything about it. Budgets are much bigger than people, and if we keep on expelling hot air at the current rate, there is little doubt that global budgeting will become so destructive that the world will perish. Already newts are taking over. The only hope is to get out of our budgets and think for ourselves. But that would be too taxing.

Not that I am against beautiful roundabouts. Indeed, I am quite disturbed to read that councils in Norfolk are failing to take action against a huge destroyer of beauty – litter, which is almost as much of a threat to the world as budgets.

Legally, councils can keep the cash raised by fixed penalty notices issued to litterbugs, but despite this incentive, Norfolk accounted for only about 100 of the 33,000 notices issued last year across the country. I suppose they were too busy devising new calming measures to do anything that might improve the quality of life for everyone, now.

Antidote to tourists went badly wrong

News that University of East Anglia scientists had discovered what caused the smell of the seaside was greeted with scorn yesterday by Norfolk legend Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago.

Bacteria plucked from Stiffkey saltmarsh were said by UEA scientists to be the key to the smell, but Mr Houseago, of Erpingham, said that his company, Houseago Inc, had been growing micro-organisms in the Stiffkey area for generations.

“We are developing an antidote to tourists,” he said. “The idea was to create a smell that would be tolerable to local people but would drive tourists away. “Unfortunately it didn’t quite work out. We now think it’s the cause of global warming, though of course no-one will listen to us.”

When it was pointed out to him that many scientists thought climate change was caused by carbon dioxide emissions, Mr Houseago laughed and said he thought his idea was much more likely, but he didn’t have the spin doctors to put it across. He attempted to hold a world summit at Hanworth, but no-one was interested.

Children happy to believe parents destroyed planet

Children have remarkably clear views on some things. On others they are simplistic and self-righteous. Specifically, they tend to think they know better than their parents.

So they are peculiarly susceptible to certain suggestions. They do not own or drive cars, so they are likely to respond favourably to the idea that cars are bad. That’s why it’s so reprehensible for unscrupulous groups to use children to propagate their views on traffic management.

Children also tend to blame their parents for everything, so they respond enthusiastically to the notion that their parents have destroyed the planet.

At the same time they gleefully trust people who propound such views. So if, as the Government wants, they are shown Al Gore’s much less than accurate film about global warming, most of them will swallow it with all the gusto they use to reserve for chicken and chips.

They will love to hear that an increase of 2C will be devastating for life on earth, that practically any unusual weather is proof of global warming and that all debate has been ended – I quote from a typical release by a campaigning group last week.

I would like to think that anyone teaching climate change would do it objectively, just as I would like to think that anyone teaching the origins of life would do it objectively. I am sure many such teachers exist. But I am becoming more and more afraid that what is happening in schools is often perilously close to brainwashing.

Perhaps the curriculum should contain lessons on scepticism. It might also make it more interesting.

Anonymous dozen praise police

The refusal by police to name or issue photographs of 12 people wanted for serious crimes who are on the run in Norfolk was welcomed by 12 people yesterday.

They refused to give their names but said they thought the police decision was “forward-looking and enlightened”. They felt that releasing the information would definitely infringe the human rights of free people, who had earned the right to live in peace and “were being persecuted by certain individuals who would probably be in trouble if we, I mean they, got hold of them”.

A spokesman said he would like the address of anyone who suggested they should be named. Asked if he thought the police lacked common sense, he said: “In many ways they are doing a great job.”

Police last night named a prime minister who was being questioned. Potter in peril from unexpected owl

I can reveal that Harry Potter will die in the final book of the series written by J K Rowling. On page 4695 he is struck in the face unexpectedly by an owl as he makes his way into the lounge at his retirement home. Complications set in, and Hermione’s attempts to cast a healing spell have grave repercussions. The retirement home is closed down by the Ministry of Magic, and Ron Weasley is struck by the Hogwarts Express as his crutches give way. Whoops. I probably shouldn’t have said that.