19 November 2007

on 19 November 2007 at 04:30

Breakthrough discovery could be cause of Hingham woes

It is well known that the delightful Autonomous Republic of Hingham, situated on most days between Watton and Norwich, is subject to severe time-space distortion.

That may be connected with its pioneering of an unusual form of democracy, which could be summed up as asking everyone what they want to do, and then not doing it. This was subsequently taken up by New Labour and various local councils, but it originated in what has become known as the Scout Hut Sale Scenario, which happened so long ago that nobody is interested any more, or if they are, no-one is going to do anything about it.

Now a shocking suggestion had been made by local expert Prof V A R Scheinlich - that Hingham contains within itself a basic element that breeds what he calls “confusion of the democratic process and occasional wormholes”.

He has named it fairlandium, after Fairland Green in Hingham, which is at the centre of the most recent controversy, involving both contorted democratic process and time-space distortion.

Two small areas of grass where the main Norwich-Watton road meets the Attleborough-Dereham road are used for random parking, which has not only done little for the grass but also created a hazard to emergency vehicles, in the view of most inhabitants (the word “most” being itself dangerous in this context).

So the town council produced a consultation document that suggested exchanging the two small bits of grassed area – created originally where tracks crossed the historic green, but now out on a pointless, tarmac-surrounded limb - for a bit of highway that would become part of the larger Green area. This transaction would involve provision of a proper, safer 18-bay car park.

That was eight years ago. The consultation paper was described by the county council as “an excellent example of village democracy”, which was asking for trouble.

The whole thing could then have gone forward, but a vociferous minority campaigned against the idea. As a result an inquiry was held over five days at a cost of £25,000 (to the county council). The inquiry gave the go-ahead for the original plan, and indeed the exchange of land ownership went through. But in the meantime a new town council had been elected, which didn’t like the plan. It voted 6-5 against it.

Of course it was too late: only the physical work remained to be done, with grass and tarmac suspended in a time-space wormhole. But the town council would not accept the fait accompli – and as a result the embarrassed county council has threatened to charge the town £25,000 for the cost of the original inquiry. What now? I would suggest taking a vote of the electorate, but I know where that sort of thing can lead. There would be lots of spoilt papers, and the response would be just short of the minimum required.

“I believe fairlandium is to blame,” said Prof Scheinlich. “It doesn’t seem to occur naturally anywhere else.”

He is currently trying to track down the source in the hope that it can be neutralised.

Surface meaning of new signs may be deceptive

Users of the A140 between Norwich and Long Stratton will know that a new road surface has been laid recently between Swainsthorpe and Newton Flotman.

It is now smooth, quiet – and slippery.

At least it is if you believe new signs that have been installed every few hundred yards, which show the familiar logo and the added explanation: “New road surface”.

A concerned reader wrote saying he would have thought “a newly laid surface should in fact be just the opposite to slippery”, which is a reasonable view.

But maybe the road is not slippery at all. He has an alternative explanation for the signs: “Could it be that a surplus of funds had to be used before the end of the tax year, so it was thought best to pay for dozens of new signs, just in case they got sued by some errant motorist who skids on a wet road?”

A far-fetched theory, you may think, but it is in line with the familiar ploy of putting 5mph signs out after you’ve put chippings on country roads – knowing that no-one on earth is going to go that slowly but it will give you a cast-iron defence in the event of bodywork damage. “Well, we did tell you…”

The same correspondent also has his suspicions about signs warning of approaching speed limits, which he thinks excessive.

He writes: “It occurs to me that if the speed limit was moved to the beginning of the warning zone, it would save a lot of signs. And by the time motorists react, they would be travelling slowly enough when they reach the point where the limit should really apply.”

So why not? He has a theory, and I have a reservation.

His theory is that Norfolk County Council is starting up a sign company. My reservation is that if you put his solution into effect, someone would plant a speed camera in the area before the limit was really needed.

Unlikely, I know. But possible.

Decision not to alarm flood victims applauded

The decision not to sound warning sirens at Walcott when the sea overtopped defences has been warmly applauded by the School of Penguins, Chess and Road Surfacing at the University of East Anglia.

Prof Ian “Sam” Aufmerksam, who is also the university’s emergency planning officer, said last night that resisting the appeal of the sirens on the grounds that they might alarm people was “humane and in the fine traditions of endangered species everywhere”.

He said research carried out by his department revealed that people would rather be extremely wet than alarmed. And if they were to be deprived of their homes, pets and in some cases their lives, they would rather this was done in a non-alarming way.

Prof Aufmerksam said he wanted to ban all kinds of burglar and car alarms, as well as warning notices of any sort. People were easily upset, he said. He had had to send several students for counselling when a “This Door is Alarmed” notice was put up in the lower common room.

5 November 2007

on 5 November 2007 at 04:30

Sleepwalkers in Norwich linked to shopping

Some may have been surprised to read that more people sleepwalk in Travelodges in Norwich than in any other city in the United Kingdom.

Those of us with experience of pedestrian activity in the city will not have been surprised at all, because the city is full of sleepwalkers. Most of them have just come out of shops and ground to a halt in the middle of the pavement.

The only difference between them and the Travelodge sleepwalkers is that the ones on the street are rarely naked and are not attempting to check out. A study undertaken by the UEA’s School of Penguins, Chess and Road Surfacing confirms that many Norwich shoppers are in the grip of Oliver’s Syndrome, named coincidentally after my five-year-old grandson, who walks into any shop and says: ”I want to buy something.”

Prof Ian “Sam” Aufmerksam said yesterday: “This of course reverses the normal procedure, which is to become aware of the need to buy something and then walk into a suitable shop. Our research reveals that Oliver’s Syndrome, a form of sleepwalking, is reaching epidemic proportions, possibly as a result of climate change, or Approaching Festive Season Disorder.”

He added: “None of this is really surprising. What we are really interested in is why all the sleepwalkers in Travelodges appear to be naked. Do they take their clothes off before attempting to check out, or do they sleep naked – an activity hitherto thought to be confined to students?

“We need to look at this much more closely.”

Unexpected truffle windfall for Norfolk town

Unexpected excitement struck the Watton area last week when it was designated a truffle hotspot.

It had long been thought that Norfolk was totally unsuited to growing the delicacy, hence the common dialect phrase “that hent no truffle, bor”.

Now an expert has said that the county is surprisingly ideal for truffles, and the answer lies in the soil – specifically the chalky, well-mixed earth that most readers will have noticed in the fields around Watton.

That area is already famous for its pingos, which have been used since the latest ice age to give a distinctive flavour to locally brewed real ale and whisky. A nearby restaurateur, Len ”Kissme” Hardy, formerly of Hindolveston, is already offering pingo and truffle canapés to discerning pupils of Wayland High School, who are said to prefer them to chips.

Meanwhile entrepreneur and general legend Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago said last night he was “up and running” in the race to supply the huge number of pigs that were expected to be needed to unearth the Watton truffles. His company, Houseago Inc of Erpingham, is in the process of diversification.

The much simpler Highway Code

While checking on the Poetry Vending Machine in Borders bookshop, Norwich, I couldn’t help noticing the chunkiness of the new Highway Code, which is on sale there.

Reprehensibly, I didn’t actually check the numbers, but I’m told the latest edition has reached 133 pages, which is enough to put anyone off driving. Perhaps that’s the idea.

In any case the Safe Speed campaign, which is concerned for road safety generally, says that this “bloat” is causing the essential safety messages to get lost, and so it has produced its own 100-word version of the Code. It goes like this.

“Drive on the left. Make sure you can see and be seen. Keep a constant look out all around. Be aware of signs and regulations and why they are there. Be predictable.

“Recognise and anticipate danger and keep clear space from it. Always ensure that you can stop within the distance that you know is clear. Develop your skills.

“Give courtesy, co-operation and space to others. Don't obstruct them. Never take risks, drive unfit or compete with others. “Safety is paramount and far more important than priority. Take personal responsibility for your safety and the safety of those nearby.

“Enjoy.”

I suspect it’s the last word that most safety experts would have problems with. But if you enjoy driving, you’re more than half way to doing it well. If you don’t, you’re dangerous. Expert anxious about effect of elephants on city streets

News that life-size baby elephants will soon be lurking in the streets of Norwich as part of a public art event has alarmed local scientist Professor V A R Scheinlich, who spends much of his time protecting the citizens of the Autonomous Republic of Hingham from unwanted effects of time and space distortion.

The republic, near Norfolk, is particularly prone to these effects, and Prof Scheinlich has made an in-depth study of them. “One of my achievements is to have eliminated unusual animals from our streets,” he said late last night. “Coypu, for instance.”

His device for protecting Hingham from elephants had worked particularly well, and he was concerned that Norwich was “asking for trouble”. He added: “So far Norwich has been relatively free of time and space distortion, apart from the buses. But this could change everything.”

He urged the council to consult him immediately. His fees were very reasonable, he said.

Crossing patrols not always the victims

I have no time for drivers who intimidate school crossing patrols or shout abuse at them, and I certainly have no problem with the campaign to inform drivers that they are legally obliged to stop for lollipop men and women.

But as always there is another side to it. A close friend who I know to be a good and considerate driver approached one such patrol at a zebra crossing in the city. No-one was waiting to cross, and the lollipop woman was standing with one foot on the crossing but with her back to it and talking to someone on the pavement.

My friend approached extremely carefully and, with no-one apparently interested in crossing, proceeded to drive through – at which the patrol woman turned and yelled abuse at her.

Consideration and respect are not a one-way street. Paying attention is the first rule of the road, and of the crossing.