21 August 2006

on 21 August 2006 at 05:00

Is that a gorilla I see before me?

Most readers of a page such as this must feel fairly confident that they would notice if a room they were standing in grew to four times its size.

Research at Oxford University, however, shows that we are easily deceived in such matters. In an experiment where a virtual room changed dimensions, subjects made huge errors about the size of things in it.

This is apparently because we have real trouble getting rid of our preconceptions, the key one in this case being that rooms tend not to move around much unless they are starring in a TV property programme or are situated in the Autonomous Republic of Hingham, where time-space distortion is an accepted daily hazard.

In another experiment it was found that people failed to notice a gorilla crossing the road. This is not surprising. Gorillas do not cross roads; zebras and chickens do.

If our preconceptions are strong enough, we run the risk of missing something important. And there are people who work very hard to feed our assumptions – who don’t want us to see that some things may be moving.

It’s extremely hard to get scientific funding for research that may challenge the prevailing consensus – for instance on the causes of AIDS, the value of chemotherapy and the extent of climate change.

A professor of surgery put it like this: “Over the last 50 years government- sponsored and industry-sponsored research programmes have come to dominate scientific research.

“A totalitarian system now exists where only scientists that adhere to the prevailing orthodoxy can receive funds to conduct research. Not only will the government not fund studies on alternative hypotheses for AIDS and cancer, but this stricture applies to other areas of inquiry.

“All research on climate change must conform to the dogma of human-caused global warming, and studies on vaccines dare not criticise their safety or efficacy.”

The walls are closing in. Is anyone worried? Is that a gorilla?

Bear facts about Bob the Builder

Just north of Norwich – not far from the forests of Felthorpe, in fact - mysterious things are happening that can only be attributed to global warming.

A correspondent has sent me photographic evidence of elephants in her garden. She also tells me that she has found a large, undamaged pike there, far from any stream or river.

But much stranger than that is the case of the chair, the koala and Bob the Builder.

This stemmed from my correspondent’s quite natural practice of placing an old chair in the gateway opposite her house, so that she could sit there and crochet while waiting for transportation to her craft sessions. I guess we’ve all done it.

On this occasion, she tells me, “the chair disappeared - even though it was a broken plastic one rescued from a skip - between Saturday night and Sunday morning”, which most readers will realise is a very short time indeed.

A few weeks later she replaced the chair. The next morning she checked – and found Bob the Builder in it, holding an England flag.

After a brief telephone call, she returned to discover that Bob had gone missing, leaving his flag about five metres up the road out of the village. “I put the flag in the bush near the empty seat,” she reports.

She also put a notice on the chair: “Come home, Bob.” The following day she found not an elephant or a pike, but a large koala in the chair, holding the flag. And a notice, which read: “Bob’s Mate Ted. Where R U Bob?”

Grittily, and strangely unphased, she guarded Ted from the garden until bedtime. But some time after that Bob's Mate Ted and his chair were abducted – and thrown into a ditch. Persistently, she rescued them with her walking stick, sat Ted back in his chair, with an empty chair beside him bearing the “Come home, Bob” notice, and…

Next day, only one chair in front of the gate, with the notice “Cherchez la femme, Bob?”

Since then things have been strangely silent.

Checking in without name or age

On my last visit to the doctor I couldn’t help noticing that his receptionist - normally as cheerful as you would naturally be if you were healthier than everyone else in the room - was looking even more upbeat than usual.

It soon transpired that this was because someone had installed a computer check-in system – technology only slightly distinguishable from magic and sitting quietly to the left of her desk.

She urged me to try it, in the manner of someone introducing a favourite child which, though witty and delightful, cannot totally be trusted.

I was unable to resist. I touched the screen gently as requested, and it sprung into action, needing only to know my sex, and the month and day of my birth, before confirming my appointment.

Tactfully, it did not mention my age or name, and nor did I. These things are best left undiscussed.

I suppose one day the whole surgery will be run by computer, and I shall have to click on all my symptoms before obtaining a diagnosis. Of course, the screen will have to be a lot bigger.

One more cup of coffee for the road

I once got so frustrated during a social game of bridge that I poured the remains of a cup of coffee over one of my opponents. Since he was much, much bigger than me, I expected to leave the room in pieces, if at all.

Instead he became one of my closest friends. He died suddenly at the end of last month, aged 57, after a heart bypass operation had seemed successful. He was David Gemmell, the most successful heroic fantasy writer in the country and a man of amazing generosity, as well as a gifted storyteller and wordsmith. The BBC web page obituary quickly garnered well over 600 comments from friends and fans, many of them testifying to the way in which he had made them feel stronger, or better about themselves.

Courage, loyalty, love and redemption were at the heart of what he wrote and what he was. Yes, he was much, much bigger than me. He will be sorely missed.

7 August 2006

on 7 August 2006 at 04:45

Same old answer, whatever the question

Well, well, well. Most road fatalities in the predominantly rural county of Norfolk occur on rural roads. Whatever next?

The answer, of course, must be to reduce the speed limit. That is always the answer, whatever the question. Never mind that the safe speed for any vehicle in any situation varies from second to second, and a skilful driver will adapt.

The result of reducing the speed limits below a realistic level is always to reduce the level of skill of the driver, because it promotes lack of attention, fatigue and speedometer-watching.

Any experienced driver knows that looking away from the road, even for a moment, is one of the most dangerous things you can do. And yet here we are, encouraging drivers to do so on a regular basis.

The really worrying statistic, contrasting with the many bogus ones last week, is that only 39 per cent of drivers in East Anglia, when asked to choose the single most important safety factor in any journey, put driver ability first.

That would help to explain why so many of them apparently want to lower limits and introduce more speed cameras: it puts the blame on someone else.

Some people are so desperate to blame someone else that they will even suggest that the failure to reduce accident levels in the past speed-obsessed decade is because of the increase in vehicles on the road.

This rather fails to explain why accident levels were plunging in a pleasing way before speed camera proliferation, despite a continuous increase in vehicle numbers.

But never mind; as long as we can continue to believe that speed cameras are wonderful and everyone should go more slowly, we don’t have to worry about our own ineptitude. It’s someone else’s fault.

And so the ideal statistic –100% of drivers wanting to improve their ability – remains as elusive as ever.

Heads may roll over Bronze Age motorway find

Following the discovery of the Bronze Age equivalent of a motorway near Becdes, an inquiry has been launched into the decline of the road network in East Anglia.

“We started with a motorway and ended up with the A146,” said local activist Yvonne Carlton-Colville. “Heads must roll.”

Experts have noted the innovative construction of what has become known as the Beccles marsh highway and are looking into the use of patio decking on the planned but elusive Norwich north distributor road. It is believed that this might reduce costs significantly.

An examination of the ancient Beccles roadway has revealed that it was in use over a very long period and was repaired a number of times. Archaeologists hope to uncover the stockpiles of buried cones that would confirm this. “There must be thousands of them,” said Ms Carlton-Colville deeply.

There is some mystery over the route of the ancient highway, which ran originally from dry land, across a swamp to a spot on the river Waveney.

“We believe it was intended to run from Norwich to Ipswich,” said Ms Carlton- Colville yesterday. “But protests from environmentalists meant it had to be shifted several times. This turned out to be the only acceptable route to ensure mammoths and boa constrictors survived in Suffolk.

“But we never did get a proper road from Norwich to Ipswich.”

The inquiry report is expected some time in 2035, or shortly after.

Polar bear spotted by students on beach

Reports of a polar bear sighting on Winterton beach have been confirmed by the School of Penguins, Chess and Road Surfacing at the University of East Anglia.

Several research students photographed the animal, using grants and digital cameras.

“There’s no doubt about it,” said Professor Ian “Sam” Aufmerksam. “It was big, fairly white, considering the pollution, and seemed to be fishing.

“When interviewed by the students, it complained about global warming and the housing prices in East Anglia, which are apparently much higher than in most parts of the Arctic. It was very much in favour of nuclear wind farms.”

Asked whether he thought the polar bear should be linked with the recent sighting of a penguin at Scratby, Prof Aufmerksam said he felt it quite unlikely. “You don’t see many penguins at Scratby,” he said. “It’s quite a bizarre idea.This sort of thing should be the left to the experts.”

Confusion the key to stamp prices, says businessman

A Norfolk businesman hopes to cash in on the Royal Mail’s exciting new “Pip” scheme, whereby the price of a stamp will vary according to the size of the letter, card or package.

Pricing in Proportion is seen by Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago, chief executive of Houseago Inc of Erpingham, as “a good start, but it doesn’t go far enough. My scheme will address that issue.”

He said market research had proved that people wanted post office queues to be longer, and changing the way mail was paid for would assist this greatly. He pointed out that the average wait in a post office had increased by well over a minute, and the fact that people still flocked to post offices meant this must have been welcomed.

Refusal by shops to sell stamps under the Pips scheme would undoubtedly help, but the recent removal of TV licence sales from post offices was a retrograde step, he added.

“Anything to make things more complicated is obviously the way to go,” said Mr Houseago. “Under my scheme the price of mail will vary according to the colour of the packaging and the quality of the handwriting, as well as the centimetres of Sellotape involved and the time of year.

“In the event of gifts, we may insist on opening the package to check on desirability and environmental friendliness.”

Royal Mail is spending £10 million on an advertising campaign to make its changes easier to understand - a move deplored by Mr Houseago. ”It’s a gross waste of money,” he told our fashion correspondent. “My campaign will cost £20 million - perhaps more, depending on the shape and colour of it - and people will be more confused than ever.”

Mr Houseago is in talks with the Royal Mail, and with doctors at the Norfolk and Norwich University Hospital.