29 May 2006

on 29 May 2006 at 05:00

Where our bright new country park falls apart

When Charles Clarke was removed as Home Secretary, one of his first steps was to walk around Whitlingham Country Park, on the outskirts of Norwich.

A sound decision. Whitlingham has been a favourite spot of mine since the 1960s, and recent developments there have much enhanced the natural beauty of the place by inserting a couple of Broads and a delightful circular footpath – though this hasn’t made its way on to the colourful information boards yet.

In fact if you were to drive in and leave your car on one of the modestly priced car parks while you wandered round the water’s edge, you would probably go away more than satisfied – if a little curious as to why no-one has made the effort to create a riverside path from the city to such a lovely spot.

But if you were to venture further, up the lane to the old Whitlingham riverside, you would probably be less pleased.

Whitlingham Lane has always been in a poor state of repair. But today the potholes, cracks and crevasses are so bad that only Royal Mail vans can take it at any speed – judging by the one that bounced merrily up behind me, anyway.

The edges of the lane are similarly neglected – given over to those drivers too mean to pay the small car park fee and happy to risk even more structural damage than would be incurred by staying closer to the centre of the road.

Given that a fair amount seems to have been spent on other areas of the park, why does the lane remain so awful? Does the Whitlingham Charitable Trust, which includes South Norfolk District Council, want to discourage drivers from going that far? If so, its members should ponder the possibility of potential damage to cyclists and walkers – even, perhaps, Royal Mail vans – from the uneven surface.

Or perhaps the Trust would like to improve the road but is being prevented from doing so. Could some pressure group be holding up the work in the interests of the environment, or planetary collapse? Or is some individual with a penchant for potholes standing in the way? Are resignations in order? Probably not, but a few smooth answers would not come amiss.

Knife recycling project fails to hit target

The current knife amnesty launched by the Home Office in an attempt to find out how many knives there are in Britain, how many entered illegally and how many are out on bail inspired a little-known pilot project in the Pondhenge area of North Norfolk.

A Green Consortium headed by radical cleric the Rev Nick Reppscumbastwick decided that it would “kill two birds with one stone” and combine the amnesty with a recycling project. Instead of the red bins authorised by the Home Office, the Pondhenge group used green, brown, blue, white and yellow bins. “It was quite simple,” said Mr Reppscumbastwick. “Knives with bone handles went in green bins, knives with unbiodegradable plastic handles had to be washed and placed in the brown bins, knives with any other type of handle but with blades between 14cm and 17cm long went in the blue bins, knives with saw blades went in the white bins, unless they were between 18cm and 19cm long, or longer, and butter knives went in the yellow bins for decontamination.”

He said he was not entirely happy with the response.

“People just will not enter into the spirit of knife recycling,” he said. “We found several knives placed wantonly in the wrong bins and had to fine several people who apparently couldn’t see the point.

“Even more sadly, a number of knives were thrown into nearby hedges, with catastrophic effects on local wildlife. One narrowly missed a member of the Green Consortium who happened to be passing.”

Efficiency testing by Norfolk 'wasteful'

What with the usual shortage of money over at Norfolk County Council, you might have thought they had better things to do with it than carry out “independent” two-year trials on renewable car fuels.

After all, car fuel is not a particularly Norfolk phenomenon, and efficiency testing of motor vehicles is carried out nationally by the appropriate Government department, as well as by motoring organisations.

You might have thought the county council should concentrate on local issues that it can do something about. One EDP reader, angered by news of the car fuels project, certainly thought so. He told me: “Last week I counted 12 pieces of street furniture between the Catton Woodman and White Woman Lane (north of Norwich) with failed lighting; four were street lamps. These have been out for the last ten weeks.

“The Spixworth to Aylsham road resembles the Leipzig to Colditz road in 1990, with little done since the war, which apparently, according to my late father, we won.

“How many hot air balloons full of gas would it take to melt the 150 double-decker busloads of tarmac needed to make this surface safe and transport-efficient?”

Difficult question. Perhaps two years of solid, independent testing would sort it out. Or maybe not.

Fear that chess players may not fit in

There has been come concern in Great Yarmouth circles at the decision to invite a shadowy group of individuals to hold an annual get-together in the town next summer.

Some see hosting the British Chess Championship as a great honour, but others view it as rubbing salt in the wound after rejection of a bid for a super-casino that would have given the resort “a bit of quality”.

“We don’t think this will do the image of the town any good at all,” said local impresario, drinker and night-spot frequenter Dave “Tiger” Dawson, 17.

“I mean, what are these guys going to do? Sit in darkened rooms moving bits of wood about? Don’t sound very Yarmouth to me.”

Mr Dawson, who has a chequered career, was particularly concerned at the attitude of the chessplayers. “I mean, they tell me they shake hands at the end of the game. What’s that all about?”

He felt the visitors would be unlikely to be “any good in a fight” and “have no staying power” in the local pubs. “They won’t fit in at all,” he concluded.

Asked if he had actually met any chess players, he replied: “What me? You kidding, mate?”

15 May 2006

on 15 May 2006 at 05:00

Alien approach to digging up the road

There is something faintly alien about the way Norwich City Council organises its roadworks. The most recent bizarre example was the decision to close the bridge on Carrow Road at the same time as resurfacing Riverside Road, thus ensuring that traffic was backed up all the way round Riverside with no alternative route to take.

Obviously road works, like canals on Mars, have to happen. But the council’s policy of permanently closing selected roads to general traffic means that when road works occur, water mains burst or any other temporary calamities strike, there are no alternative routes, and gridlock ensues. The closure of King Street, Mountergate, Bishop’s Bridge and Queen Street spring to mind, not to mention Castle Meadow. You get the impression the council enjoys this in a non-human sort of way. A letter I received warning of the impending chaos on Riverside Road said almost gleefully that there would be “disruption and inconvenience”. It came from an officer who I will not embarrass by naming him. He concluded by promising: “If you have any queries or require further information, please do not hesitate to contact me.”

I did not hesitate. I live in a cul de sac that emerges on to Riverside Road, and I could see that there would be at least a short time when I would not be able to drive out of it. It would be helpful to know when that would be.

Unfortunately the letter did not include a phone number or an e-mail address. It did not include a pigeon either. I concluded that, despite what they said, they were not desperately keen to hear from me.

Undeterred, I rang City Hall. The number was in the phone book, which the council had mistakenly allowed me to retain. Unfortunately the gentleman who would have been able to help me was out. “He often is,” I was told when I rang back the next day, as requested.

This was quite understandable, and sadly he had no friends who could help me. So the switchboard mistress gave me his e-mail address. I e-mailed him. He did not reply. (The road is resurfaced now, and he still has not replied.)

So I gave up and drove down my cul de sac, only to be halted by the resurfacers, who looked human. I was indignant. My wife had an appointment, I said.

You’ll only be shut in for an hour, I was told. Surprisingly, I had not allocated an extra hour for the journey. At this point I have to admit that the resurfacers were not only human but extremely helpful – and polite. They got us out within ten minutes. And did an excellent job on the road too.

And I’m not worried. Now that the Green Party holds the balance of power in the city council, I’m sure we’ll get a lot more rational, deeply thought out, philosophical measures to enable traffic to flow more easily. Something like a hyperspace bypass, I should imagine.

The art of jumping on the environment

The proposed transformation of sand into giant sculptures on Yarmouth beach this summer was greeted by the mayor with enthusiasm.

“It is environmentally friendly,” he said. “At the end you can just level out the beach again.”

This is an interesting new approach to art. Presumably the mayor would prefer Michelangelo’s David if it was smashed up and the marble returned to the ground after a month or so; your average Turner or Monet would be no good at all because it is so difficult to dispose of paint safely.

Or is it just another example of wanting to appear green – this century’s favourite colour by a long way?

Both Opposition political parties seem to think the best way they can attract votes is to turn themselves into branch offices of Greenpeace. If one leader can ride a bike to work, the other can go and look at a glacier. Or was it the same one?

Meanwhile, the Church makes climate change a question of morality, for heaven’s sake, and scientists from every discipline fall over themselves to conjure up a scenario worse than the last one. I myself am very fond of the environment – the less affected by mankind, the better I like it. I despise litter-dropping and fly-tipping and am no lover of smoke stacks, or industry that pollutes and exploits either people or the atmosphere.

But I am not at all fond of those who are obsessed at more and more superficial levels with what might be happening to our ever-changing climate, and arrogantly forcing their methods of “dealing with it” on to everyone else. Undoubtedly rising sea levels and warmer weather would have severe consequences for some people and beneficial effects for others. But if we are so concerned about vulnerable people, why not put the money frittered away on second-guessing the climate into dealing with diseases like malaria and Aids in Africa, and making sure everyone has clean water? Dealing with it now, I mean.

Not many centuries ago, higher sea levels meant Yarmouth didn’t exist, and eventually the beach may again be even more levelled out than the mayor would like. This would be a tragedy for some people.

But other people are living with tragedy now, and a party of any colour that actually did something about it would get my vote.

Too much stoicism over bumps in the road

I will never be convinced that speed humps are a good idea, but at least many of those on public highways nowadays are negotiable without pain or damage.

Some still aren’t, but our usual British stoicism has failed to produce sufficient outrage to persuade those in authority to get them right. And off-road humps are still frequently dangerous. The one at the western entrance to Eaton Park in Norwich is so outrageously bad, for instance, that even council lorries drive through the parking spaces (when possible) to avoid it.

Hotels and conference centres also tend to insert random and intrusive humps on entrance drives where they are totally unnecessary. Presumably they’re more worried about people suing them for being mown down by cars than for having their vertebrae dislodged or suspensions systems wrecked. I hope they are quickly disillusioned.

I’m thinking of boycotting hotels with humps and suggest other motorists do the same.

1 May 2006

on 1 May 2006 at 05:00

People are more than lumps of metal

The temptation to reduce road safety to a formula of some kind is one that has to be firmly resisted.

This is partly because formulae have a tendency to be misinterpreted, especially when those using them don’t understand them – like one reader who clearly doesn’t grasp the difference between speed and acceleration.

But it is mainly because people, and not just lumps of metal, are involved in accidents.

Some people may display all the intellectual qualities of lumps of metal, but even they are much more than that. They have a degree of intelligence, but they also have a wide range of emotions and character traits which will persuade them to take certain courses of action. Frustration, for instance, and fear. Scattiness and idleness too.

But all that is complicated, so those responsible for our safety on the roads prefer to go for something simple, like restricting speed, and are surprised when this doesn’t make any real impression.

Happily there are those who take road safety more seriously and want to prevent vehicles hitting each other, rather than have them hit each other at lower speeds.

They investigate the real causes of action, like inattention and fatigue. A King’s Lynn reader has pointed out that extensive US research lasting over a year and over two million miles has found that almost 80 per cent of crashes and 65 per cent of near-crashes happen within three seconds of some form of driver distraction.

Multi-tasking drivers were three times as likely to be involved in a crash as more attentive motorists who did not put on make-up, eat breakfast or – particularly – chat on mobile phones. It also found that drowsy drivers were four times as likely to have a crash or near-crash.

Much nearer to home, one driver trainer is trying to tackle these and other problems. Jackie Willis, who has recently set up a new school based near Norwich called Driver Education & Training Services (www.drets.co.uk), is concerned that the excessive use of speed limits “is actually stopping people thinking for themselves”.

Her training courses for drivers “are designed to make drivers think, not just how to control their vehicle, which is what most drivers think refresher or advanced courses are all about. My aim is to produce advanced thinking drivers.”

That is why her learner driver courses also include classroom workshops, designed to develop greater understanding of the driving task in all its facets, including driver “attitude”.

It’s good to find someone in the driver education business who doesn’t take the laziest option.

Secret plans to cover us all with grass

Leaked papers obtained by this page have revealed, shockingly, that the plan to put more Norfolk farms out to grass is just the start of a campaign to change the face of East Anglia for ever.

A source close to Pondhenge said yesterday that farmers had to be dealt with. While the Zimbabwe solution was felt to be “a little too extreme”, the farms-to-grass blueprint fitted the bill.

He added that it was not just farmers who would be affected. “We – I mean they – are planning to put several towns and villages out to grass too.”

A far-sighted pilot project at Caistor St Edmund, near Norwich, earlier last century had worked particularly well. “The Roman town has been preserved under grass for the future,” he said. “We feel Norwich could go the same way. Maybe the whole of Norfolk.”

He blamed global warming and collagen biospheres. Tory leader David Cameron is in Norway.

Peaceful wheel for coastal resort

Plans to scrap the big wheel project scheduled for The Forum in Norwich are widely believed by several people to have resulted from the exposure by me of its secret role as a weapon of mass destruction.

“We couldn’t risk UN observers getting involved,” said City Hall spokesman Len (Kissme) Hardy. “So we’ve decided to palm it off on Yarmouth.”

The well-loved east-coast resort is believed to have few designs on neighbouring countries, and there should therefore be no objections to its obtaining the “wheel”. A report that the council wanted Lowestoft wiping off the face of the earth has been largely discounted.

“I’m quite happy that they want it for purely peaceful purposes,” said Mr Hardy. “Of course if they get enough of them it could turn nasty.”

Newts angry at 'cynical' Norfolk frogs

Great crested newts from the Wymondham area have launched a vicious attack on pool frogs with Norfolk accents.

The frogs, which feature on a CD of rare British animals, have been accused by the newts of “cynically pretending to be extinct, or endangered, whatever”.

The expansionist Wymondham newts, notorious for what they describe as their consortium’s “glorious struggle” against Norfolk legend Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago in the battle over greenfield sites near the A11, failed to make it on to the CD, despite their fame and so-called endangered status.

“The newts are demanding a voice,” said Professor Ian “Sam” Aufmerksam of the UEA’s School of Penguins, Chess and Road Surfacing, who is acting as their agent on a temporary basis. “Recent studies reveal that almost no-one knows what they sound like.”

He admitted that claims that the newts had infiltrated most areas of local government and parts of Brundall had not been entirely discounted, but felt it was irrelevant.

Mr Houseago, speaking from his holiday home at Happisburgh, said newts could easily be detected by the nonsense they spouted, and the last thing we wanted was to have them on CD.

Crossing move targets pedestrians

The town of Whynge, which appeared from the sea following a temporary fall in sea levels and is now often on the coast, has come up with a dramatic new way to help pedestrians avoid traffic.

It is piloting a scheme to replace traditional light-controlled pedestrian crossings with ground-breaking ones that prevent anatomically normal people from seeing whether they can cross safely until they have actually crossed the road.

“In placing the green man so that he cannot be seen by someone approaching the crossing, we feel everyone will take things more slowly,” said a traffic manager last night. “We are also introducing a two-minute phase where the lights are red for both pedestrians and traffic. This will enable everyone to stop and think and maybe have a coffee.”

He said suggestions that people might cross on red were “unrealistic”.