20 March 2006

on 20 March 2006 at 04:30

When hidden speed cameras would be all right

We live in dangerous times. It will soon be possible for scamera teams to conceal speed cameras from motorists or disguise them as penguins.

To its credit, the Norfolk partnership has said it will remain open with its cameras, but of course we have had the usual rash of comment from non-drivers and bad drivers who think concealment, mass fining, imprisonment and probably beheading is an excellent idea if drivers won’t keep to speed limits.

Here’s something you weren’t expecting: I don’t see any reason why cameras shouldn’t be concealed from drivers – on three conditions.

The first is that speed limits are revised so that they make sense. In most cases this would involve increasing them by at least 10mph, and it would certainly involve stopping the Highways Agency and rogue councils from imposing frankly silly limits around road works, especially when the road works are abandoned – which seems to be most of the time.

The second is that there is some leeway, to prevent the dangerous practice of drivers constantly looking at their speedometers.

The third is that it is proved by independent assessors that speed is a major cause of road accidents or deaths. This would involve abandoning the present system, where police are encouraged to tick “inappropriate” speed as often as possible as one of a number of factors in accidents, and a string of other causes are treated as if they were speed-related for statistical purposes.

In other words, hiding speed cameras is OK if, and only if, simply exceeding speed limits really puts people at serious risk. I don’t believe it does. Many other things do, like putting on your make-up while driving, making mobile phone calls, changing compact discs, wearing muddy wellingtons, going to sleep, or reading maps, magazines and delivery lists at the wheel in the way that so many commercial drivers seem to do. Or just not paying attention.

A closet acceptance of these facts is the reason that even scamera partnerships have been reluctant to go for deception and entrapment.

So why not come clean completely?

English, but not as we know it

The main problem with foreign call centres is the difficulty in understanding people who speak English, but not as we know it.

A relative had a striking experience of this recently when she pulled her emergency alert cord in the middle of the night and was connected not, as she anticipated, with the warden of her sheltered home just outside Norwich, but with a voice she did not recognise.

Although she was ringing because of a medical emergency, the voice found difficulty in understanding what she was saying. She in turn had problems making out what was being said at the other end, but at last she realised the voice was asking her if she wanted some shopping done.

Not entirely helpful. In the end she gave up and turned to more traditional methods of solving her problem.

An explanation came the next day, when she discovered she had been speaking to someone from Sheffield. No doubt the middle-of-the-night shopping question arose because of the different time zones.

Inland herring fleet let out of the bag

I have to apologise to a correspondent who complained about my publicising the gravel pit near Reepham where Norfolk conglomerate Houseago Inc is hoping to extract helium-3.

He writes: “It is particularly galling, when we are trying to protect one of the last remaining herring fleets to be found inland, that you have highlighted the existence of this pond. “The processed kippers and bloaters (simply know as 'kick starters') have been firing up most of the UK's atomic reactors. In fact we have just sent our latest batch via Reepham Post Office to Iran, as a precaution in case Russia's kippers don’t turn up. “We want to remain as low profile as possible, so go and find another gravel pit somewhere else.”

It will be difficult to find another pit containing exactly the same features, but I will do my best.

Two good decisions by Norwich City Council

Say what you like about Norwich City Council, they have made two good decisions recently.

One was not to go along the road pioneered by Hinckley, in Leicestershire, where a man was fined for putting litter in a bin. Admittedly this is a lot easier to do than fining people for dropping it on the ground, but still you have to wonder about the council employee who tracked the “offender” down by examining used envelopes.

The second good decision by Norwich was to select John Drake, chief executive of YMCA Norfolk, as its next Sheriff.

For those of you who know him only for his appearance (loosely disguised as Patrick McGoohan) in the mid-60s cult TV series Danger Man, I should explain that John is wearing particularly well and has been at the hub of the huge amount of good work the YMCA has done in the city.

A glace at the Norfolk YMCA’s website at www.ymca-norfolk.co.uk reveals how much the belief that “everyone deserves the chance to fulfil their God-given potential” is central to everything he stands for.

It also reveals that Norwich is one of the hilliest cities in England. I have been saying this for a long time, but no-one believed me. Perhaps they will now.

Hitting the shops may be a gender thing

The foundations of 21st century existence may be crumbling. A correspondent points out that a recent news story revealed that “women are losing interest in hitting the shops as a leisure activity”.

So bad news for all those bright news shops in Norwich, not to mention Yarmouth and Pondhenge. But there is a ray of light. The same correspondent writes: “Personally, there's nothing I like more than giving the new Chapelfield centre a good bash every time I walk by.”

Maybe it’s just a gender thing.

6 March 2006

on 6 March 2006 at 05:00

Pedestrians only? Sorry, we need it for heavy lorries

Thousands of people meant to write in after reading the article in which I suggested that traffic lights on roundabouts were an extremely bad idea. All were in agreement. One did actually write in and said that people pretty much understood how roundabouts worked (without any power supply, incidentally). He also pointed out that such lights are self-promoting: for every traffic light controlling access to the roundabout there must be another one stopping traffic on the roundabout – no doubt emitting carbon as it does so.

But of course lights are very good at annoying drivers and stopping traffic unnecessarily, so that’s all right – in much the same way that people enjoy cheap air travel, so that’s all right too, though it emits even more carbon.

Coincidentally a few months ago thousands of people were also in favour of pedestrianising the ancient and lovely Westlegate in our fair city of Norwich, on the grounds that, in the words of city councillor Judith Lubbock, it was a golden opportunity to reduce traffic in the city centre. There was much anger at evil Conservative councillors who helped to block this measure, which was backed by all the good little guys like the John Lewis Partnership and the Chapelfield development.

Bit embarrassing really, because now it turns out that the only way that big articulated lorries can get to the Chapelfield development is down Westlegate, which must be really wonderful for pedestrians. The corners on the route everyone assumed they would take – through Little Bethel Street – are too tight for the monsters to negotiate without actually killing people.

That sort of thing is very hard to spot, of course, but still there doesn’t seem to be an awful lot of foresight in the area of traffic planning. If there was, someone might have avoided spending money on a big consultation about the pedestrianisation of Westlegate when it was not only unnecessary but apparently pointless. In fact if they had accidentally managed to pedestrianise Westlegate, they would now have to unpedestrianise it, or watch Chapelfield crumble into dust, starved of supplies.

As with the lights-on-roundabouts fiasco, my correspondent’s question is very much to the point: “Who makes these decisions, spends so much money and seems both invisible and unaccountable?”

It's money, Rosie, but not as we know it

I have a tendency to be sympathetic to anyone called Rosie. I don’t know why. But when health minister Rosie Winterburn’s visit to the James Paget Hospital at Gorleston was “hijacked” by a radiologist, I had to admit I was all for the hijack, even though the radiologists’s name was Eryl.

We all know the Government is pouring money into the health service, just as it is pouring money into schools. What is not so widely known is the cackhanded way in which it does so. As Dr Eryl Thomas pointed out, the Government spent loads of cash on scanners for the Gorleston hospital. But instead of supplying money to run them, it pays a private company to run a mobile scanner in the car park while the hospital’s scanners stand idle.

This is so mind-bogglingly stupid that you might think that even the Government would spot it. But no, it happens in many other hospitals too. Something strangely similar also happens in schools. Not long ago the Government poured bucketloads of money into schools to purchase state-of-the-art computer software. But the schools were not allowed to spend any of the money on hardware – which meant they ended up with lots of expensive software which they couldn’t run on their out-of-date, low-tech, fragile computers.

Never mind, the Government can go on boasting about all the money they’re giving schools and hospitals. So that’s all right too.

Sheep in midfield for low-flying Canaries

The Flying Flock – about 1000 sheep belonging to the Norfolk Wildlife Trust which have been trained to parachute into conservation sites all over the county – are scheduled to put in an appearance at Carrow Road this week.

“Recently the pitch has been falling into intermittent disuse,” said auxiliary shepherd and pilot Sven (Twitcher) Green. “We want to conserve it so that it can be used for football again on a regular basis.”

Mr Green said one of the sheep worked hard all over the pitch and could get into the team against Sheffield United. Last week some of the flock went missing in the Autonomous Republic of Hingham, but were eventually located near a Scout Hut. “They were defending too deep,” said Mr Green.

Plenty of water here: just bring a bucket

Yes, it’s the season of drought warnings. As you know, it’s not only getting warmer (oh yes it is) but drier too. In fact it may well be the driest since time began. Strange, then, that when a water pipe broke in a housing association dwelling in Norwich just after 2pm last Tuesday – a fact that was quickly reported – it was not until just after 6.30pm that anyone arrived to do something about it.

Even then, the poor condition of the stopcocks meant that when I left the nearby home of a friend at after 7.30pm, water was still pouring – and I mean pouring – out on to the passageway.

Inside, six inches of water throughout was probably an underestimate.

It makes taking a shower instead of a bath seem a little pointless, somehow.

Helium-3 may have been found in Norfolk black hole

Plans by Russia to start mining on the moon for helium-3, an isotope with enormous energy potential, may be upstaged by a Norfolk company.

Houseago Inc, the North Norfolk conglomerate fronted by local legend Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago, is believed to have located “quite a lot” of helium-3 in a gravel pit near Reepham. “We believe it’s a cosmic phenomenon linked to the nearby black hole of Norfolk,” said sales manager Len “Kissme” Hardy, of Hindolveston. Houseago Inc says it plans to remove a large number of great crested newts from the pond to enable it to get at the helium-3. “We think it’s helium-3,” said Mr Houseago from his home at Erpingham last night, “but it might only be helium-2. It’s very cold and it keeps leaking out. But then it does get very cold around Reepham.

“We’re optimistic, and we’ll get rid of the newts anyway.”