30 October 2006

on 30 October 2006 at 05:00

Expedition to seek sweet spot in Dereham Dessert

Thousands of people have been asking me what has happened to Richard “Volcano” Meek, the intrepid Norfolk explorer whose exploits occasionally grace this space.

In fact he has been exploring local long-distance footpaths, and readers who are looking for more intellectual stimulation than they will find here can scan the erudite, compelling and indeed entertaining results on the internet at http:// walkingoverbishybarnabees.blogspot.com.

Meanwhile he tells me that he is about to tackle a mystery that rivals the fabled Lasseter’s Reef – a ridge of solid gold supposedly found around the turn of the century in the vast Western Australian desert but never located since.

I understand that, somewhat surprisingly, Norfolk has its own Lasseter - a grizzled old prospector who stumbled into a Little Chef on the A47 in barely civilised times before the road was even dualled. (Oh, it still isn’t, is it?)

He was barely alive and hard to understand, but he was heard to croak “Demerara” before collapsing. It turned out that he had found an unrefined map drawn by two fabled explorers who had found a reef of pure sugar - cubes the size of a man's fist, sugar beet the size of his head.

Could it be, wondered Mr Meek, that "Demerara" had been misheard and misunderstood? Could the prospector have croaked "Dereham Area"? Could Beetley be the new Eldorado?

Volcano intends to find out by leading an expedition into the great Dereham Dessert in search of riches and fame. Previous expeditions have found only Fool's Beet or "Dumpling Green", as geologists sometimes call it.

He is hoping to sign up members of the recent Over 80s expedition that discovered previously unknown tribes of forest dwellers in Foxley Wood. Excitement is mounting almost daily.

Flexible fares and drivers with discretion

Readers will be relieved to hear that the gentleman who had difficulty finding out about buses to Norwich Airport achieved some success after his story appeared on this page.

He rang up County Hall again and found himself speaking to someone who not only knew about buses but revealed that he could catch a park-and-ride bus from Castle Meadow to the airport on payment of just £1.

A trifle suspicious (I don’t know why) my informant decided on a dummy run and, after reaching Castle Meadow from the station without more trouble than you might expect, found an airport park-and-ride bus strategically placed.

Unfortunately its driver wanted to charge him £2 instead of the promised £1. He was also helpful enough to point out that when my informant travelled “for real” and had his wife him, they would have to pay £2 each.

My informant pointed out that this seemed a little curious when cars were allowed to park for £1.50, which included transporting the driver and all his passengers to and from the city centre; so the bus driver relented, charged him the £1 the council had suggested - and presented him with a free voucher for his return trip.

The flexible fare structure and degree of discretion are certainly surprising, but no doubt that’s what you get in a free market economy. At least the bus went to the airport as advertised.

Meanwhile my informant was recording his arrival and departure at the various bus stops, and as a result proposes suggesting to County Hall that a team of people could be recruited to record actual journey times on various routes, so that realistic journey times could be publicised.

He has even thought of a name for such a team – "Waitwatchers". Which somehow makes it all worth while.

Lowestoft ideal spot for new airport, says report

A shock report by the School of Penguins, Chess and Road Surfacing at the UEA has revealed that airports come in the same category as wind farms, except that their propellers are smaller.

Government-funded in-depth research disclosed that people object to both wind farms and airports on land, but don’t mind them at sea.

Following the report, a feasibility study has been ordered into the possibility of siting an East Anglian Regional Airport at Lowestoft. Locals say this is the ideal place, as the town already has an annual air show, and much of the infrastructure, such as waves, is already in place.

A number of companies have said they are keen to dip their toes in the water.

Car ownership gets unexpected lift

People who find it hard to tear themselves away from their cars will be delighted to hear that they can now take them to bed.

And the technology that makes it possible is ideally suited to the new riverside apartment blocks springing up around Norwich – with the added advantage that the cars that are taken to bed would no longer incur city council parking charges.

The idea, originating in Germany of course, is called CarLoft, and it involves installing a car-size lift in the building. This would then raise the car to the level of your apartment, where an appropriate slot would be available for it. And if you really wanted to, you could put your bed next to it – though a garden is the preferred option.

The whole process, I am assured, would take no more than two minutes. Of course this does not include installing the lift, but what really worries me is something else.

What happens when the lift breaks down? The car can hardly take the stairs.

Still it is unarguable that the car is safer up there, as the architects of the scheme point out. And your family would no doubt be removed from the risk of carjacking and kidnapping – perennial Norfolk problems.

Apparently there is a lot of interest from Russia and Israel.

16 October 2006

on 16 October 2006 at 05:00

Ten years and still going strong

Celebration this month of the tenth anniversary of the tabloid Eastern Daily Press reminds me that the Tim Lenton commentary page had the honour of appearing in the very first of the new-look papers.

Nothing really changes, does it? On the first page I wrote about confusion on the roads, and while I have received many messages of support – some from quite eminent people - nothing much has changed except the precise shape of the confusion.

I also wrote about blots on the landscape such as phone masts, and while the emphasis has switched to wind farms, the blots don’t go away.

So why bother? Well, most obviously, someone had to expose what was going on in the Autonomous Republic of Hingham, where time and space are distorted, wormholes are common, democracy is under threat and only Professor V A R Scheinlich sees things as they really are.

Of course, democracy is under threat everywhere: we are asked to accept so many dubious things as self-evident, when a little thought shows that the picture is much more complex.

If what we’re asked to accept is going to have a real impact on our lives, the threat is all the more potent. And when there is an attempt to drown out dissenting voices, we are on hazardous ground indeed.

Expansionist great crested newts have become for me – and a few discerning readers – a symbol of dehumanising bureaucracy and unthinking consensus, and they were there as just a bizarre germ of an idea on the first of these absurd pages.

The newts are still with us, in so many different forms. They have to be challenged, or the glory of human life will be ploughed under.

Mystery of the missing bridge

Readers intrigued by Peter Sargent’s typically eloquent journey around the city’s Wensum bridges in the EDP recently may have found themselves wondering why there is one bridge too few.

No, I don’t mean the famous invisible pedestrian bridge ¬– scheduled for years to be built between the rail station and the Novi Sad Friendship Bridge but never actually materialising.

I mean the one that is never talked about but which clearly should be materialising – at Thorpe St Andrew, enabling pedestrians to walk from Thorpe over to the spanking new edge-of-the-city leisure park at Whitlingham.

This would mean that many people from both Thorpe and the city would be able to reach Whitlingham without taking their cars, which should surely attract funding.

And as if in mute testament to the desirability of such an undertaking, the short piece of road opposite Thunder Lane is actually called Whitlingham Lane, although it is prevented from reaching Whitlingham by both rail and river.

I’m sure there is some really good reason why such a bridge has not been built, just as there must be a reason why a riverside path cannot be created out of the city and past Carrow Road stadium, on one bank or the other.

If we really want to encourage walking, these are two obvious steps in the right direction. Why is our green-fingered council not insisting on them?

Right kind of crime will lure police out of hiding

The suggestion by a police authority member that we might exaggerate reports of crime in order to persuade the police to put in a swift appearance was to my mind unnecessarily crude.

Certainly it is hard to find a policeman when you need one, but there is no need to exaggerate to bring them out of hiding. You just have to report the right kind of crime.

If you want them to attend a burglary, all you need say is that the burglar made a homophobic remark or a racial insult while smashing you in the face with a bottle. On second thoughts, to avoid confusion, leave out the bit about the bottle. And your face.

They would also be sure to turn out for a road accident if there was the slightest chance of closing the road for 24 hours. And if a teacher steals your purse, don’t mention money: just get a child to make a complaint against them.

If you want something done about an anti-social neighbour, don’t bother to complain about noise, violence and threats. Just say they’ve got your ball.

Simple when you know how.

Bid for freedom

As they tried to leave the city, they could see a road block in the distance. With scarcely a moment’s thought, he swung the wheel and took a side road to the left. A bit more fuel, but it would get him there more quickly.

He turned, and saw a white van do a U-turn to avoid being stopped. He listened for the wail of sirens, but nothing happened, and he was soon out of the danger area.

Yes, it’s a bid for freedom, but not the kind of wartime dash you might have expected. It’s an attempt to avoid being delayed by last week’s road censuses. Some people simply go round them, some give wrong information for their own purposes, others are forced to fit in with what’s on the form, and almost no-one has any idea of which postcode they’re going to.

The result: lots of unnecessary delays and a wodge of very approximate, distorted information for someone to feed into a hungry computer. It may explain the bizarre highways policy and high number of road closures we have to endure in Norwich, but does it really get us anywhere?

2 October 2006

on 2 October 2006 at 05:00

Yellow lines in sinister North Norfolk plot

Following the suggestion by a reader that many road accidents may be caused by cars and not drivers, I have been informed by friends in North Norfolk that yellow lines may also have a life of their own. Apparently every time these particular friends go to Cromer, the yellow lines get longer.

An official complaint has led to research being carried out by the School of Penguins, Chess and Road Surfacing at the University of East Anglia, which suggests that the paint used to create the lines is a form of life, which has a desire to expand.

“At first we were inclined to blame it on global warming,” said Professor Ian “Sam” Aufmerksam. “But then we are inclined to blame most things on global warming.

“After we had a good look we realised there was something even more sinister afoot. So we called in consultants.”

After blaming things on global warming, calling in consultants is the second most popular reaction of businesses and water companies when faced with anything they can’t be bothered to sort out for themselves, but it is rare for a university to employ this tactic.

“We were delighted to be called in,” said Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago, chief executive of Houseago Inc, who are based at Erpingham. “But then we always are. We have an excellent track record of going in, charging a huge amount of money and then leaving – but not without suggesting they employ us again should things not go well, which is often the case.

“We will probably suggest that they should change the name of Cromer to Ibiza. It couldn’t hurt, could it?”

The Houseago Report is due for release in 2010, but Prof Aufmerksam said yesterday that he was already concerned that the yellow lines would soon have the town surrounded.

“After that we believe they will invade every street and swallow up all the spare space,” he said. “Eventually the residents will not be able to breathe, or stop anywhere. They will turn yellow and shrivel up.”

He thought this might already have happened in other parts of Norfolk.

“When the report comes out, we will be urging immediate action,” he said. “Probably.”

Watchperson at crossing could start new trend

Residents of Kilverstone Heath, near Thetford, are delighted with the news that a watchperson will be stationed at the level crossing where a train was derailed recently.

A Network Rail spokesperson said the watchperson would prevent driverpersons misusing the crossing by weaving in and out of the barriers.

A survey carried out by this page revealed that more than 100 per cent of motoristpersons intended to do this.

But Mrs Hicks, Mayorperson of Little London, near Corpusty, who happened to be passing, said she had no intention of dodging the barriers, even if trains reduced their speed to under 20mph, which was a frightening prospect.

She added: “I think a watchperson is a great idea. But we could go further. Why not build a little hut for him or her by the crossing, and install gates?

“You could then prevent anyone from crossing unless he or she opened them.”

A consultantperson is being called in to examine this revolutionary idea.

Moon faces Eclipse backlash after Bung campaign

The campaign to keep Motorways out of Norfolk (Moon), together with Full Moon, its more extreme offshoot, has had a long period of unlimited success.

I would advise them not to be complacent, however. It has been revealed recently by Scenery, the in-depth television programme, that the conspiracy to get Norwich City out of the Premiership, run by the Be Unfair to Norwich Guys (Bung) consortium in 2005, was fuelled by fan discontent.

Most Premiership fans depend on motorways to make quick journeys to away grounds, but the total absence of motorway miles in Norfolk apparently made the journey seem tedious and over-long.

Norfolk people are used to that, of course, but it is hardly surprising that fans from elsewhere revolted and cheered especially loudly when their teams played Norwich. As we know this resulted in Norwich losing quite frequently.

Bung justified their anti-Canary campaign by pointing out that motorways were the safest roads in the country, and their members were being put at risk by coming to Norfolk. “You can’t even get to Carrow Road by dual-carriageway,” said a spokesfan.

Edmund King, executive director of the RAC Foundation, said during the recently concluded National Motorway Month: “We tend to forget what life was like without motorways. Premiership fans will save the equivalent of seven matches plus two lots of extra time by sticking to motorways on their way to Premiership matches.”

A small group of Norwich City fans, who don’t even have to try to remember what life was like without motorways, start a backlash against Moon this week, when they launch their own attack against “fanatical self-interest”.

The group - Extreme Challenge to Lying in Parts of the South-East (Eclipse) - is composed of hard-core militant soccer-watchers and has already been infiltrated by detectives.

Sorry, you missed it

This year’s prize for the least helpful sign in Norwich has been won by “Car parking – previous turn right”, in Barrack Street.

It reminds me of advice given to a bus passenger who requested help many years back: “You get off at the stop before the last one.”

Well, who said life had to be easy?

Stone's throw from outside

House names which strain the credulity include such familiar lies as Hillview, Lakeview, Riverview and Seaview, so I was refreshed beyond measure last week when, during my bid to walk down every street in Norwich, I came across the wonderful Noview. It was pretty much spot-on, too.