30 May 2005

on 30 May 2005 at 04:00

Warning: school may suddenly re-open

Anyone concerned at how Norfolk County Council spends its money will have been bemused by the recent repainting of yellow warning signs outside a school at Rackheath, near Norwich, that was closed almost two years ago.

Admittedly the council does not seem to care much whether schools are open or not – which is why speed cameras and 20mph limits operate outside schools 24 hours a day – but this seems particularly wasteful. Adrian Loades, chairman of Rackheath Parish Council, observed that if any of the May Gurney workers had walked down the short drive outside the school they might have noticed that it was not only shut but boarded up.

In fact, they did not even have to put themselves to that trouble, because as they were at work a former pupil at the school stopped and told them that it was shut and had been replaced by another school elsewhere in the village. He reports that they did not appear worried by this: muttering something about the school being re-opened, they worked merrily on, at a cost of hundreds of pointless pounds to the taxpayer. The former pupil concerned was retired garage proprietor and motor cycle expert Philip Basey, whose time at the former school in the 1920s and 30s coincided with the time my mother was teaching there and who is writing his autobiography. He told me of a fellow pupil called “Jump” Jim Crow, who was a bit more perceptive than your average workman.

Jim was a bit of an aeronautical expert, and when an R101 flew over the village in 1930 he told his impressed audience of fellow boys and girls that it was in fact a Zeppelin disguised as an R101, and it was taking pictures of Norwich industrial areas in case of war. Such a perceptive lad would have had no trouble spotting that the school was closed down – or would he have diagnosed that it is in fact a secret coypu farm? That would explain the warning. Only the county council really knows.

Dead seagulls may not be nailed to perch

Intense research is taking place into Norfolk seagulls following a shock revelation by a noted naturalist last week.

Criticising a scheme by the Port Authority at Yarmouth to shoot gulls that were causing a nuisance in Southtown Road, he said: “Killing the gulls will only make them go away for a little while. They will soon come back.”

Reincarnation among seagulls is not a widely understood phenomenon, but scientists hope that closer investigation may be helpful in a rare bid to understand the origins of life. Professor Ian “Sam” Aufmerksam, of the School of Penguins, Chess and Road Surfacing at the University of East Anglia, said yesterday that the first step was to log the gulls in and out.

“I’m not sure whether we’re dealing with reincarnation or resurrection,” he said. “That’s the first thing to settle. Do dead gulls fly on the third day, or are they simply recycled, as it were? And if so, do they remember past lives?

“Of course, seagulls’ lives are pretty much the same anyway. They may not be able to tell.”

Initial problems centred on the difficulty of distinguishing one bird from another, though this was easier after they had been shot, he said. “They also tend to move about less.”

So far no single gull has been identified as reincarnated or even resurrected, but Prof Aufmerksam is hopeful. However, a large number of lifeless birds stored in the Lower Common Room have so far shown no sign of activity, despite loud music being played.

Newts and dolphin see off dual waterway

Plans by the Broads Authority to construct a dual carriageway down the River Yare to make boating safer have been thwarted by a consortium of great crested newts. The expansionist amphibians, who have achieved huge successes in preventing road safety measures in Norfolk by the expedient of taking up residence in key spots and seducing gullible environmentalists, decided to act when it seemed that lives might be saved and passage made easier on the river.

“That was the last thing we wanted,” said a spokesnewt. “So we sought legal advice from Fish & Co, and obtained an excellent lawyer in the shape of a dolphin who was, of course, more intelligent than anyone else involved.

“He had a bagful of tricks.”

Last night newts and dolphin were celebrating.

Scientists melt in face of global funding

There was wild rejoicing the other day when Oxford University's climate change research centre was allocated more than £3.5 million in government funding over the next five years.

This does not mean that the scientists involved will be instinctively disposed to find that climate change will have a big impact on this country. I’m sure they would get just as much money if they found the impact would be minimal or uncertain. Well, fairly sure.

That is quite unlike the American Association of Petroleum Geologists, an international organisation of more than 30,000 scientists which has rejected the view that human-influenced factors are the main drivers of global warming. They of course are in the pay of the oil industry. And we all know the oil industry is quite happy if we fry tomorrow, as long as they make profits today. After all, they don’t have grandchildren.

Of course the AAPG does have a strict Code of Ethics which stresses “honesty, integrity, loyalty, fairness and impartiality” and states that “members shall not make false, misleading, or unwarranted statements, representations or claims in regard to professional matters”. But hey, they’re Americans and probably right-wing liars.

So whose opinions do you value: a consortium of politicians, amateur environmentalists and pop stars who haven’t researched the subject, or a professional, scientific body with a strict code of ethics?

Of course. Silly question.

Runway scheme in the wind for Hingham

A disturbing dispatch from the Autonomous Republic of Hingham suggests that the new runway for Stansted airport is to be built within the Fairland village greens area, not far from the site of the notorious scout hut. A correspondent tells me that tarmac the width of a three-lane motorway is to be laid there as part of an “enhancement” scheme. What else could it be for? Time-space distortion within the republic is well documented.

16 May 2005

on 16 May 2005 at 04:00

Journalists behave worse than anyone

I was fortunate enough to accompany the witty and erudite Norfolk delegation to the National Association of Head Teachers annual conference at Telford this month.

At one point the conference was addressed by three representatives of the main political parties. You may have read about it.

The Sun said the heads “acted like children by booing and hissing a government minister” and were “worse than unruly pupils”. The Mirror said it was “pathetically childish that head teachers jeered a government minister” and added: “If they don’t know how to behave, how do they expect the children under their control to?”

Other reports nationally said the heads prevented the minister from speaking.

The effect of these remarks will have encouraged parents and children in their lack of respect for teachers – as no doubt was intended. But if so it is the Sun and the Mirror (and others) who are encouraging bad behaviour in schools, because their reports were inaccurate, unbalanced, ignorant and lazy: they portrayed the minister as a teacher and the heads as pupils, which is a false comparison, and revealed a surprising lack of knowledge of what unruly pupils do.

What really happened? The government minister, Derek Twigg, gabbled a bad speech, which was heard in complete silence. When he was asked a question about financing the latest government schools initiative, he said flatly and unreasonably that there was no more money – and it was this that drew understandable but brief expressions of disapproval. The Conservative spokesman, Tim Collins, on the other hand, gave a fluent and knowledgeable speech which was applauded at several points by an audience not known to be Tory-friendly. The only reference to him in the BBC report I saw was a hostile question put to him about the unpopular Chris Woodhead, and he even fielded that one well. I could not find any other report of his speech anywhere. Of course I may have missed it.

Ironically, Tim Collins lost his seat at the Election, and the unimpressive Mr Twigg waltzed in with a huge majority. Isn’t democracy wonderful? Almost as wonderful as our national media.

Would you like to be my lunch ticket?

Delegates to the recent NAHT conference wore name tags in plastic sleeves, which also held the tickets entitling people to refreshments. These folded neatly so that your name appeared uppermost, while on the back was your latest unclaimed goodie, like “Lunch ticket” or “Glass of wine”.

Of course, the physics of plastic name tags meant that they often swung back to front, leaving the occasional handsome head labelled as “Lunch ticket” and sophisticated lady as “Bottle of wine”.

It left room for idle conjecture during the less riveting speeches, but it could have been even more interesting, had they included such natural items as “Nibbles”, “Sweet” and “Breakfast”.

Temporary wolf not home at the moment

Where exactly is Felthorpe going? The dispute continues. Last week Lindy Platten-Jarvis claimed, among other things, that the village sign anticipated global warming in its depiction of the African elephant, with a furry coat to protect it from Norfolk winds. Noted Norfolk explorer Richard “Volcano” Meek remains unconvinced.

He claims the “so-called African Elephant with a nice furry coat is obviously none other than the famous West Runton Elephant – and only adds weight to my hypothesis that the village has drifted far inland”.

He adds: “Presumably the tree farms are to provide employment for the tree fellers whom I saw sat outside the Mariners car park?” Perhaps the whole wider area north-west of Norwich is in need of further exploration. Not far away the village of Lenwade has split apart from itself, sometimes being called Great Witchingham and sometimes not. Within its schizophrenic borders – or maybe not – lies the strange Norfolk Wildlife Park, where apostrophes run wild and frequently affix themselves misleadingly to name tags.

This is also the home of the temporary wolf, which is believed to be a totally Norfolk phenomenon. When I visited, it was absent. I checked in the temporary wolf enclosure, and it was not there. Nor were the badgers, but that was less surprising. Like coypu, they are hard to track down, as related in the prize-winning Norfolk partial arts film, Crouching Badger, Hidden Coypu.

It all makes the Autonomous Republic of Hingham seem quite straightforward – unless, of course, the famous space-time distortion is slipping sideways. Prof V A R Scheinlich is looking into it.

Mysterious behaviour of polling station

The following letter was received from John Timpson, of West Norfolk. It is clearly if serious import for the structure of Norfolk as a whole, and I make no apology for printing it in its entirety.

“As a student of strange phenomena in rural Norfolk, you may be interested in the curious movements of Weasenham’s polling station prior to the election.

The official poll cards first notified the electors that they should vote at the Community Room, Lambert’s Close, in Weasenham St Peter. It so happens, however, that the Community Room is in a building currently surrounded by high wire fencing, making it completely inaccessible to the public. It has always been assumed locally that this was because of building work, but subsequent events suggest it may have been erected to prevent the Community Room from escaping before the election.

“It was later revealed that the Community Room had indeed rematerialised in a bungalow across the road, and assurances were given that it would remain there. However, when the final list of polling stations appeared on the parish noticeboard, there was further confusion. The Community Room was still in 10 Lambert’s Close, the number of the vacant bungalow, but Lambert’s Close had apparently been transported from Weasenham St Peter into the neighbouring parish of Weasenham All Saints. A similar notice appeared in All Saints.

“To the human eye Lambert’s Close was still in St Peter’s, but when voters arrived at the Close on polling day they were greeted by a rather alarming sign on the noticeboard. It said “Polling Station” – with a large arrow pointing directly towards the ground. Had the elusive community room been swallowed up, or had it finally made its escape, perhaps to Australia? The official reaction is that the sign lost a drawing pin, but in rural Norfolk one can never be certain…”

2 May 2005

on 2 May 2005 at 04:00

Range wars break out in North Norfolk

The right to roam may be the brave new clarion call in most of the country, but in North Norfolk things are not quite so advanced. Range wars have broken out again, and fences are being erected.

Hanworth, near Cromer, may not have quite the ring of Dodge City, Deadwood or Tombstone, but the age-old struggle being re-enacted there is evoking the kind of Western anger that brought in gunfighters to settle matters.

One complication in this 21st century face-off is that the farmer and the cowman are the same person – Robert Harbord-Hammond, who also, apparently, has his eye on a neighbouring piece of open land at Roughton.– and the big guns are deadshot solicitors Farrer & Co. The free rangers are the villagers of Hanworth, who claim the land in question is common land and should be open to all. Mr Harbord-Hammond says it is his and wants to graze his cattle on it. Naturally he does not want them to stray off to Arizona or be rustled by Indians, so he has erected a barbed wire fence.

Ownership of the land will have to be settled legally, but my heart warms to the sheriff, in the guise of Graham Bull, corporate director of North Norfolk District Council, who has come riding in and had a shot at removing the barbed wire, which he says should not be there whoever owns the land. I also find myself drawn to the outlaw who lifted out the barbed wire and then turned himself in to “test the water”.

Barbed wire is one of the most unsightly things in the countryside, and while it may sometimes be necessary, I would like it to be restricted to absolutely essential use. I also have a soft spot for open village commons.

Things could be worse, of course. Not so long ago, the head teacher at the school in neighbouring Erpingham was one Wyatt Earp. He would probably have felt compelled to deputise a few teachers and mosey over to take a look.

Make my day, Teletubby

The employment of an image from the film Reservoir Dogs to encourage people to use a new Norwich park-and-ride service showed an unexpected splash of humour, as well as perhaps a glimpse of how hard-line the authorities would like to be about it.

I expect this trend to continue, possibly with adapted clips from Dirty Harry (“You want to drive through Norwich? Make my day, punk.”), Speed (buses hurtling through the city, trying to keep above 50mph while motorists doing 35mph are caught by speed cameras) and Unforgiven (when you park in a restricted area by mistake). Readers may have better ideas, in which case I would like to hear them. Meanwhile the thrill-a-minute Liberal Democrats would, according to their transport spokesman on the council, have preferred Teletubbies, which – curiously – are barely coherent, witless blobs. He also objected that the colours of the Norwich buses did not correspond to the colours used by the characters in Reservoir Dogs, which is a rare oversight on the part of Mr Tarantino.

Felthorpe has furry eye on the future

A resident of Felthorpe, north of Norwich, has taken issue with the theory put forward last time by noted Norfolk explorer Richard “Volcano” Meek, who suggested that Felthorpe was once on the coast and moved inland because of slow Norfolk drift.

Lindy Platten-Jarvis is less than convinced. She says: “You've got it wrong. Felthorpe is future-focused and anticipating global warming and the Norwich northern bypass.

“Did Mr Meek travel along Beech Avenue? Did he notice Beech Tree Farm? Felthorpe is well into energy renewal. Did he notice lots of Tree Farms in Felthorpe, such as Yew Tree Farm? Did he notice all the home names with a tree theme? Does he know about the famous Felthorpe Woods – and did he see the Shoe Trees there? “One of the early exotic species to invade Norfolk has been blossoming in Felthorpe for several decades already.”

Convincing enough, but she has a clincher: “Did he notice the village sign that anticipates global warming to the extent that it features the future northern advance of the African elephant – with a nice furry coat to withstand the cold winds from Siberia that Norfolk knows only too well?”

Mr Meek was unavailable for comment.

Dangerous bunches avoid road improvement

Interesting how studiously all political parties have eschewed an obvious vote-winner: roads and transport. Drivers all over the country are sick and tired of the mercenary pretence that speed is a major cause of accidents.

As one correspondent puts it, “considering the percentage of the population that are motorists, if the Conservatives would come up with a sensible plan for taxation for the roads, spend the money on the roads, make sensible laws and apply them sensibly, they would win the Election in a landslide”.

Presumably the politicians are afraid of all the bullying that would descend on them from the usual suspects if they took up the drivers’ cause. If so, they have miscalculated badly.

In 2003 there was a 44 per cent rise in “speeding” offences, with nearly two million drivers being caught by scameras. We shall no doubt see more of the same – and more digital cameras like the one that netted £4 million at the expense of 76,000 motorists. We shall continue to put up with deliberate congestion engineered by anti-car councils, and poor quality roads delayed or obstructed by any ill-informed or ill-motivated individual who feels like it.

We shall watch the authorities ignore common sense by putting speed cameras on the M4 and causing “dangerous bunching”, just as every experienced driver predicted.

Suffolk County Council will go on pretending that its ludicrous speed limits on the A140 make sense, despite a traffic officer’s observation that they induce frustration and “no-one is happy”. Suffolk says there has been a “small drop in accidents and a reduction in speed”. If this is the best they can come up with (speed limits causing a reduction in speed, for heaven’s sake), the true effect must be poor indeed.

Going ahead on red

You may have noticed that a great deal of time is wasted and pollution caused when drivers are held up at light-controlled pedestrian crossings where there are no pedestrians in sight.

A possible solution to this unnecessary congestion presents itself when you realise that pedestrians quite happily cross on red when there is no traffic coming, as do cyclists. It must be logical, then, to allow drivers to cross on red when there are no pedestrians around.

Obviously they should do this only at walking pace and no faster – certainly not as fast as cyclists do it, which could be dangerous.