26 December 2005

on 26 December 2005 at 05:30

Slippery roads and slippery thieves a bad sign

At this time of year many readers will be worried by slippery roads. I know the police place them high on their list of priorities, because when a Norfolk farmer spilled some mud on the road they turned up in force, whereas they showed no interest when he reported that some of his machinery was stolen.

The more cynical readers might suspect that this was because they knew where the farmer was and so could catch him easily. The thieves, on the other hand, could have been anywhere, and probably were. It would have been hard work to track them down. After all, there is so much farm machinery on the road.

One of my correspondents is well aware of this. He has also noticed other vehicles performing similar functions. He writes: “We have long since understood that the numbers of tractors on the roads are a result of the EU subsidies that are dished out to farmers under ‘traffic calming’. Why has this system now been extended to include Tesco lorries? “At the head of most of the traffic queues these days there is a slow-moving Tesco lorry. Why do they have to travel at a speed which is lower than that of the average cyclist?”

Allan Hale of Beachamwell (for it is he) also has views on slippery roads, as it happens. He points out that there was “a veritable rash of signs erected to this effect a few years ago, and the signs still remain”.

He wonders: “Are the roads still slippery, and if not, why are the signs still there? If they are still slippery, how have the authorities managed to keep them that way after resurfacing?”

These seem to me to be excellent questions. I suspect that the highway authorities care very little about signposting. “Flood” signs rarely hold water, and speed limit signs are often wildly inappropriate. Many temporary warning signs remain long after the reason for them has passed. Obviously it’s boring and tedious to remove them – particularly if they have to be put back a couple of days later – but after a certain number of silly signs, motorists have little respect for signs generally. It is hard to blame them.

Mr Hale is particularly concerned about signs that read “Give Way - 142 yards”. He asks: “Why 142 yards, for goodness sake? Does anybody know? Is it related to rods, poles or perches?”

Sadly, I am unable to answer these questions, as I have had too much turkey. Maybe someone else could help.

Red shift horror as newts lead Santa astray

There was anger in parts of Norfolk yesterday when it was revealed that Santa Claus had been deceived by great crested newts as he crossed the Autonomous Republic of Hingham. The area has long been regarded as risky for anyone wearing scarlet, because of a peculiar effect of the time-space distortion encountered there. Called red shift, it can result in confusion and unpredictable changes of role, according to local expert Prof V A R Scheinlich, who studied the phenomenon when he was someone else – possibly radical cleric the Rev Nick Repps-cum-Bastwick. Taking advantage of an incidence of red shift, the ruthless newts persuaded Mr Claus that he was in fact a reindeer and harnessed him to his sleigh. One of them then took his place in the sleigh and pretended to be Santa, distributing fresh fruit to local government officers across the county as bribes.

Thousands of children were distraught when it was discovered that the toys Santa had been carrying – largely X-boxes – had been buried in a black hole near Reepham. This was described as “singular” by PC Amy Thirdelf, a spokesperson. Very little trace of the reindeer can be found, but Norfolk police have asked them to give themselves up.

Bridge too far for collision-happy motorists

Motorists who enjoy driving into things will need to be careful in future that their chosen object of impact is not a railway bridge – because if it is, they will be fined £5000 and docked six points.

Those who are careful enough to drive into other things, like speed cameras, will not face these draconian penalties – although, of course such actions are not to be encouraged. The bridge problem is apparently getting worse. One bridge in Lincolnshire has been hit 151 times, which must mean that Lincolnshire people are very determined, short-sighted or hate trains.

But if we are to penalise people for the effects their actions have, and not for the actions themselves, why don’t we start inflicting heavy fines on all those lorry drivers who keep shedding their loads, catching fire or jack-knifing and blocking major routes just in time for the morning rush-hour?

After all, the expense, inconvenience and human misery caused must be much the same as what happens every time a railway bridge has to be checked. It may be worse.

Diversion gets humans to Cromer 200,000 years early

So humans were in Cromer 200,000 years before we thought they were. Clearly the A140 was better in those days.

But what were they doing there? Very recent research suggests that they were part of a team engaged in diverting the course of the River Glaven so that it would reach the sea. Being a very early river, it had not at that time understood what was required of it.

Diverting rivers became less popular as time went on, and it is only recently that it has been taken up again. Readers concerned at why on earth it could be taking so long to complete work at the Thickthorn roundabout near Norwich may be relieved to hear that they are trying to divert the River Yare. No-one knows where to, but the Wymondham duck is believed to be involved.

A spokesman said it was essential work, and they should be finished in well under 200,000 years.

Mountain rescue team goes back to basics

At the annual meeting of the West Norfolk Mountain Rescue Team – of which I have the honour to be president – it was suggested that one of the major problems facing the team could easily be met.

As a result, each member has been asked to take a bucket on holiday, fill it with earth and deposit it on a site to be found in West Norfolk. It is hoped that – if the idea spreads – West Norfolk will soon have its first mountain. EU cash may be available, as the minority in the area is believed to be ethnic.

12 December 2005

on 12 December 2005 at 05:00

Paperweight planners just waste everyone's time

Exclusive: I can reveal precisely what is wrong with the NHS, the social services and education. And we do this without a fee, or even a weekend conference in a smart hotel.

It is paperwork. And not just paperwork, but silly paperwork, devised by people whose only role in life is to waste other people’s time. If I were to go into hospital shortly, how happy should I be to know that this year the NHS introduced 24 core standards and 10 developmental standards covering seven key areas?

I will tell you. Not very, because I know how much time is likely to be taken up by people “proving” through endless paperwork that these targets have been met. Even if they haven’t.

If improvements are made to an old person’s flat, how pleased should we be that the hard-pressed people who did it have to fill in forms predicting whether this improvement has avoided the necessity of admitting the old person to hospital at some later stage? Not at all, because there is no way of doing this other than guessing.

But then the impossibility of knowing something never stops these paperweight planners. Head teachers, for instance, are not only required to predict what standards their pupils will reach in two years’ time; they are asked to predict the percentage of absences in 2008. Yes, 2008. Really.

It must be very tempting for schools (advised by local authorities) to tailor these guesses to fit government targets. You can hardly blame them, but what’s the point of it all?

The answer is simple: to give the Government statistics that it can distort to justify its actions. Then it can do something really useful, like introducing a breakthrough system of teaching children to read that, I am reliably informed, is already in use in just about all of Norfolk’s primary schools.

If all the paperwork required by the Government were used by children to draw pictures on, we would be a lot better off.

High cost of living down Memory Lane

A North Norfolk estate agent has called on the district council to change local roads and streets into lanes, following reports that people will pay up to £50,000 more to live in a lane.

Spokesman Len “Kissme” Hardy told our reporter: “We are already encouraged by the number of Quiet Lanes around here, although it must be confusing for mailpersons.

“And it’s not a very fun name. We would be looking for something a little more funky, like Dylan Lane or Counting Crows Lane – or Penny Lane. Memory Lane would probably go down well. Even Nelson Lane, seeing as I believe Nelson was local.”

Mr Hardy said he was sure homeowners would be keen on a change of address, if only to avoid receiving so much junk mail, but a council officer was more cautious. “We think this is a really silly idea,” she said.

Norfolk to get its own offshore call centre

Following the huge success of call centres in India, local legend Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago last night opened the first offshore call centre in Norfolk – at Happisburgh.

“It’s not exactly offshore yet,” he said. “But it will be soon. And I’ve got the ideal people to man it – sorry, impersonate it.

“All of them have lived in Norfolk all their lives, so they know exactly what’s going on in London, where our mother ship – sorry, parent company – operates.”

Asked whether they would be qualified to answer the calls they got, Mr Houseago said they were all highly qualified, as far as he could make out. “Sometimes it’s hard to understand what they’re saying, because Norfolk is a really pure dialect. But they can understand each other.”

He was sure the venture would be a huge success. It is backed by Mrs Hicks, the mayor of Little London, near Corpusty; and by a Taverham woman.

No surprise: public consultation ignored again

The most laughably predictable decision this year duly happened last Friday, when Suffolk County Council agreed to continue the snail-like speed limits on the A140 through its little kingdom, despite massive opposition to it in its public consultation.

The excuse for this decision is the alleged decrease in serious accidents during the period of the temporary limits. We all know how easy it is to manipulate such figures by moving the goalposts through space and time, but I would suggest that even if they have some basis in fact, it may be because so many people are sick of driving on the A140 that they have shifted on to country roads instead. If that is what the county council wants, fine, because it is likely to continue.

I myself live in Norfolk and rarely use the A140, so I shall not lose any sleep over it. You may say it is none of my business. But if I lived in Suffolk I would want to know why the council used my money to finance the public consultation, if it never intended to take the slightest notice of it.

Usual targets could cast their net wider

The campaign by the usual suspects to rid Norwich of 4x4 vehicles comes as no real surprise, because the usual suspects (disguised on this occasion as the Norwich Alliance Against Urban 4x4s) have no expertise in this area. For one thing, almost any car can be obtained in a 4x4 version: they really mean the large-wheeled off-road specialist vehicles which I have to admit I am not too fond of either. But we can’t simply demand the removal of things we’re not too fond of, or not many of us would be left.

If they wish to exclude from the city vehicles which pollute and obstruct, they should perhaps start with buses and lorries. And, as taxi driver Peter Hammond astutely puts it, “if the Alliance wants machines that are not designed for urban use off our streets, there go the mountain bikes!”

He also points out somewhat mischievously but quite accurately that off-road vehicles are “ideally suited to our poorly maintained urban roads. They cope well with the raised and sunken manhole covers, the badly mended potholes and the pothills that we call speed humps”.