24 May 2004

on 24 May 2004 at 07:00

Lady Julian meets the Pink Panther

I have never thought of Norwich as a noisy city, but the Literary Walk arranged as part of the Norwich Festival changed my mind.

It was not the excellent actors, popping up during the procession to illustrate various events in a vigorous fashion, who left my ears ringing. Nor the different narrators who imparted their vital information stoutly in the face of adverse circumstances. It was those adverse circumstances themselves that got under my skin.

Some of the proliferating noises that interrupted the proceedings were so unexpected that it seemed someone had set out deliberately to produce as many unwanted decibels as possible.

The unpleasant grinding of diesel-spewing lorries and buses could have been anticipated, I suppose, and the cars making heavy weather of getting in and out of the car park off Elm Hill were typical of the rather inept driving that seems to have become the norm in recent years.

But the passing aircraft that interrupted one discourse was unexpected, as was the motor mower in The Close that shattered the cathedral calm. Strangely that was not the only interruption in what might have been thought as a haven of silence: as the actor spoke some lines from Julian of Norwich, she was interrupted by a trumpeter from an open window playing the theme to The Pink Panther – not the happiest of juxtapositions.

In Castle Meadow we had the threatening approach of a motorised street cleaner (happily diverted at the last minute), and somewhere along the way we had the usual emergency sirens and then a barking dog. What are the chances of that happening?

And then of course there were the people who thought they had every right to make as much noise as possible while passing by on the other side – notably Adam’s mother, who felt the need to call repeatedly for her errant offspring in a voice which would have made me think twice before getting back into the Garden of Eden.

Happily, the noisiest item in Norwich – the police helicopter – did not put in an appearance. I suppose we should be grateful for small mercies.

Parrot of mass destruction

It is hard to say which of two alarming news stories in the EDP recently is the more worrying. The first revealed that Japweed – not hi-tech smoking material, but an invasive seaweed – is colonising the East Anglian coastline, with damaging consequences for the ecosystem. The second is that an African parrot was seen driving a car down the A47 towards Yarmouth.

Now I suppose I should be concerned at four-metre-long weed that can overpower kelp, but I have never felt that overpowering kelp was very difficult. It usually just lies there.

So I have to go for the parrot. This is despite the fact that compared with most drivers on the A47, the parrot probably comes near the top of the scale in terms of intelligence, though not in terms of reaching the pedals.

There is a slight suspicion that this particular parrot, spotted perched on the steering wheel, was not actually driving the vehicle, but as the police wisely pointed out, it could have been distracting.

Given that most Norfolk drivers find an empty car distracting and a passenger almost impossible to cope with while attempting to drive safely at the same time, the parrot must be a weapon of mass destruction.

I suggest that some of the speed cameras which have at last been given the push should be relocated in order to pin down the bird. If not, I suggest we invade Africa.

Move to lure tourists into the Empty Quarter

Richard “Volcano” Meek, the world-famous local explorer, has been researching the tourism hot spot of North Norfolk, and is deeply concerned at the lack of balance there.

He says: “I notice that the western half is being sold as the Saltmarsh Coast. This disturbs me, as I feel that saturation point has been reached and more should be done to encourage people to visit the Empty Quarter from Cromer round to Caister.”

This is a radical suggestion, since there is very little in the Empty Quarter but sand and desolation, and many travellers have become disorientated there. But Mr Meek feels we have no alternative.

“Clearly the west cannot take much more,” he says. “Witness my own planning application for a mobile home park and the associated development of Whelk World on Stiffkey marshes. I intend to set up a Tourist Misinformation Office in Fakenham to redirect trippers towards the currently under-visited areas.”

One of his groundbreaking ideas for achieving this is to make certain name changes. “I feel that potential visitors idly perusing the map would be less likely to head for Browncrusty (formerly Brancaster) or Wells-Nowhere-near-The-Sea, whereas Scratocobana or Bactokiki or even Happyboro would prove so much more alluring,” he believes.

“This is clearly not a new idea, as someone has obviously tried before with California and Ostend. I would like to finish the job.”

Suffolk call centres rejected

Houseago Inc, the North Norfolk conglomerate headed by anti-newt activist Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago, 105, has decided against using offshore call centres.

Recent research has revealed a strong tendency for customers of banks and insurance companies to switch from companies using foreign call centres, and Houseago Inc says it understands the problem.

“We were planning to set up a call centre in north Suffolk, near Halesworth,” said spokesman Len “Kissme” Hardy, “because it would be much cheaper, and Suffolk people happily put up with worse working conditions and an inferior football team.

“But our customers have told us that they would not be able to understand what Suffolk people were saying. So we will continue to answer any queries and take orders from our well-established base at Pondhenge.

“We have a very good offer on garden gnomes this week.”

Hot air fails to impress

With the advent last week of summer weather, some of you may have had difficulty breathing and put it down to high pollen counts or global warming.

Sadly, the problem is more radical, but I have not seen it widely advertised. In fact, the only notice warning the public appeared to be at a garage in Ipswich Road, Norwich. It read: “Sorry air not working.”

Sorry air indeed. It should get its act together.

10 May 2004

on 12 May 2004 at 11:38

PM chief suspect as president disappears

When the president of the National Association of Head Teachers disappeared mysteriously from the platform in the middle of the Cardiff conference last week, it did not take a Ruth Rendell or a P D James to work out who done it.

In this case it was not the butler, but the Prime Minister, the Rt Hon Tony Blair, MP. He was an obvious suspect, because although he was not scheduled in the conference papers to speak – the Government was to be represented by a decoy minister, David Miliband – word had got around early in the proceedings that he would be lurking in the wings. His weapon? A speech. His alibi? None.

The evidence was indisputable. Popular NAHT president Dr Rona Tutt had indeed vanished from the platform to greet the guest speaker, and the conference was left in supposed ignorance – which is difficult when you have a room full of detectives.

Of course they knew. Head teachers know everything. And if they didn’t, there was the very subtle hint of a hefty dollop of policing outside, together with barriers, obviously unobtrusive men in suits and the kind of walk-through machine that always goes off when I approach it in airports. Happily on this occasion it missed all my hidden metal.

Inside the conference hall, things were tense, because the president had come back, but there was no sign of her guest. So they did what head teachers do best: they got everyone to stand up, then sit down again. The second time they got up there was an announcement: “Ladies and Gentleman, the Rt Hon Tony Blair.” Which was a bit of a giveaway, because he still loitered in an offside position, out of sight but not out of mind.

They sat down again. I have to say this was done really well, as if they had done it before somewhere. And then at last, the real thing – or was it? Mr Blair was announced again, and from the shadows to the podium stepped … veteran general secretary David Hart, with a brief but witty introduction.

The tension was getting to some people, but they were mainly journalists. The heads endured more stress in an average day at school, and the Blair speech quickly dissipated any that remained. After dignified applause, the PM departed as swiftly as he came. But what about questions? Well, happily we had the lumbered but youthfully optimistic Mr Miliband, who quickly won delegates over by admitting that he had not long ago been described as a “Year 8 in a suit”. Not entirely appropriate, I thought. You don’t get many Year 8s with a sense of humour who can not only answer questions but also do what they’re told.

Parents with flimsy grasp on reality

Charles Clarke may want to see closer co-operation between parents and teachers, but this will require considerably more movement from many parents than from the teachers.

His boss, Mr Blair, was right to say last week that when he and I were at school if you got in trouble with the teacher you would get in trouble with your parents too: now things are very different, as can be seen from the rash of ridiculous court cases brought against teachers, instigated by parents with only the flimsiest grasp on reality.

I once expressed astonishment at the behaviour of a child in a city school that I was visiting, only to be told: “If you knew her mother, you’d understand.” This was not an isolated case.

Only a few days ago I was speaking to a man who has spent a large part of his life voluntarily coaching East Anglian boys aged eight to 14 in soccer skills, and running teams to develop their ability. He has now stopped doing so because over the years the atmosphere changed completely: in the end he received constant abuse from the boys, many of whom were totally lacking in discipline – and appeals to their parents to back him up fell on stony ground.

Of course there are good mothers and fathers, and I know many of them. So it is sad that children who have all the basic equipment to be delightful human beings can get lumbered with parents who are so dense that they think angst-ridden soaps and bolshy downmarket tabloids reflect the way life should be lived.

Coming clean over apple laundry

I may have been misled about the precise nature of the clothes peg crop that I came across in the Norfolk-Suffolk wilderness recently.

I naturally assumed that it was part of a clandestine operation – disguised as an apple orchard – to grow vast quantities of pegs in a free-range situation. But a regular reader has put me right.

“What you actually stumbled on was an apple laundry,” she writes. “This is a new idea from America, where ‘air-dried sheets’ are a popular boast of hotels.

“Everybody knows you should wash fruit before consuming it. Naturally, when washing large numbers of apples, one needs to hang them out to dry afterwards – using clothes pegs. “Potato laundries may follow, although they will obviously be harder to hang on washing lines, as they have no stalk to peg them on by.” I am happy to set the record straight.

Companies have no street cred

More pedestrianisation in the centre of Norwich may or may not be a good thing. Walking in traffic-free streets is pleasurable enough, but buses and bikes tend to creep up on you unawares, which is probably more dangerous than constant traffic. Then there is the question of where cars and lorries go if you close streets to them. Events in the winter have demonstrated that when you remove alternative routes, you get gridlock, and there is much to be done before the inner link road works smoothly, even without traffic overflows from elsewhere.

But while it is unfortunate that transport policies are decided by political parties with axes to grind, it is even more unfortunate that they should be heavily influenced by companies that are clearly self-interested.

We read that Lend Lease, the company behind the massive Chapelfield development, wants more roads in the centre of the city to be pedestrianised. I do not wonder why this should be, but I do wonder why we should take any notice.

It is probably even more obviously absurd than hocking the future of our schools and hospitals to private companies.