29 November 2004

on 29 November 2004 at 04:00

Lemming failing to jump is condemned as negative

Let me say something positive about taxi drivers. Many of them are friendly, on time and don’t jump the lights. Some of them are extremely good chess players.

Let me also say something positive about Norwich. It is my favourite city in the entire world.

Being such a positive person, I was surprised to notice that a taxi driver had written to the editor, complaining of my negative outlook as a “doom and gloom merchant”. He also said he had come across many people like me, which seems an extraordinary run of bad luck. He has my sympathy.

All this because I pointed out how difficult it was for someone from Lowestoft to drive to the Theatre Royal in Norwich. The taxi driver said he could find the Theatre Royal with no trouble, which I am relieved to hear. It would be embarrassing if he couldn’t, especially as the city goes out of its way to help taxi drivers by allowing them to drive where mere mortals and doom and gloom merchants cannot go. I personally have no trouble finding the Theatre Royal, but then I was born in Norwich, and I usually walk.

The fact remains that a non-taxi-driving friend from Stafford (yes, I have friends in places other than Lowestoft) visited the city for the second time last week, and out of the blue, with no prompting whatsoever from me, asked: “Isn’t anyone in charge of traffic planning in Norwich?”

And she was not even trying to find the Theatre Royal.

Another gentleman, on reading my article last time, wrote: “Until this morning I couldn't work out why it took Moses 40 years to find the Promised Land. Could it be he had a Norwich traffic planner plotting the course?”

If being against traffic humps and convoluted road systems is negative, I guess I sometimes am. But then, to a lemming, everyone who doesn’t jump off a cliff is negative.

Pondhenge head welcomes disruptive minister

The acting headmaster of Pondhenge Grammar School, Professor V A R Scheinlich, has welcomed the Government’s plan to introduce disruptive pupils into previously well-ordered schools.

He said last night: “The Secretary of State for Education is man of wit and insight. It won’t be long before the schools system is totally revolutionised.

“At Pondhenge we look forward to having our lessons disrupted superbly by this new intake of pupils that Mr Clarke is sending to us. We have had enough of pupils learning things and getting good exam results and generally making a success of their lives. What fun is that?

“My teachers have been saying that they want a new challenge, and I myself have been despairing at the lack of paperwork from Whitehall recently.”

Asked whether he would be able to offer the disruptive pupils a good education, Prof Scheinlich said: “I understand they have already been offered a good education, but have declined the offer. No doubt they will be able to offer us a new educational experience.”

Prof Scheinlich is retiring at Christmas.

Newts aim to make schools as good as social services

A consortium of great crested newts that has been running the social services department for Norfolk County Council has received a reassuring one-star rating from the Government, which a spokesperson described as “not very good really”.

Encouraged by this, the consortium is moving swiftly on to take over the education department, recently bolstered by the exciting collapse of its PFI scheme – described on this page two weeks ago as the most widely predicted disaster in the history of the county.

“Clearly the two departments will fit together perfectly,” said a spokesnewt. “We expect to do just as well in education as we have in social services.”

He denied that there was any connection between his consortium and the newt consortium whose bid to take over the school building programme is being looked on favourably by County Hall. “We have never met each other very much,” he commented.

Customs down on tits, complains bird

The only Norfolk great tit to have travelled to Lithuania complained last night about the difficulties she encountered in getting through Baltic customs.

“I am only a straightforward bird,” she told our reporter. “I have been described as a stick-in-the-mud, which I find frankly offensive. Not many birds can do what I can with a bag of peanuts.

“But the suggestion that I was smuggling is ridiculous. Apparently I was supposed to have a visa, but I don’t believe in credit cards, especially near Christmas. They obviously thought I should have stayed in Norfolk. They said I wasn’t built for migration, which is blatantly sexist.”

The great tit, who asked not to be named but said she was a Eurosceptic, added that many inferior birds were just waved through while she was detained. “There were a couple of northern shovelers that were obviously up to no good, a very common goldeneye, and if I say lesser spotted woodpecker, I think you’ll get my meaning,” she said. “There was even a really dozy Ural owl, which to my mind didn’t know where he was. None of them had any trouble with Customs.”

Back home in Fakenham, the tit, who said she “had just been visiting a mute swan in Klaipeda, or possibly Butinga”, has decided not to travel so far again. “Maybe Hemsby for a bite to eat,” she said. “If I’m feeling peckish.”

Meanwhile she would probably sit around for a while, and ring a few people.

“I was feeling quite pale in Lithuania, and I’m still feeling a bit blue,” she said, “which is confusing.”

Baltic customs officers were unavailable for comment.

Taverham woman defends French

Suggestions that the recent loud bang in the sky over north-east Norfolk was caused by a French aircraft are far-fetched, according to a Taverham woman. Diane Taverham said yesterday that in her experience the French were quiet, artistic and considerate people, but she had heard several similar sounds while on holiday in parts of Italy – despite the absence of Liberal Democrats, who “tend to provoke that kind of thing”.

15 November 2004

on 15 November 2004 at 04:00

Cultural deprivation result of traffic management

Living in the city of Norwich means that after a while you get used to all the bizarre attempts at traffic management. More were announced last week, and they made as little sense as ever. I was rather less than reassured, for example, by the observation from someone close to the traffic managers on what will happen when the new Chapelfield complex opens: “It’s a total unknown.” Happily I can be more definite: it will be a colossal mess, just like Rose Lane and the Riverside complex.

One of the hidden effects of the road contortions is cultural deprivation: it’s devilishly difficult to get to the Theatre Royal by car, and even harder to park when you get there. A friend who lives in Lowestoft discovered this recently. He could not travel by train because the last train back to Lowestoft left only ten minutes after the performance ended – so much for integrated transport. How to reach the theatre? His first idea (he used to know Norwich when it did make sense) was to turn right into All Saints Green from Queen’s Road, go down Westlegate and straight across. Unfortunately there was an early problem. No right turn into All Saints Green.

His next attempt, logically, was down St Stephen’s and left into Rampant Horse Street. Sadly, no left turn. Advised by a helpful sign, he proceeded along Red Lion Street, up Farmer’s Avenue, along Golden Ball Street and then down Westlegate – reaching the point where he started – and across. That’s four extra streets’ worth of unnecessary pollution, bang in the middle of the city.

It was getting late. He followed another sign to the Malthouse and Assembly Rooms car parks, only to find building work blocking the road. He then tried the Chantry car park. It was full.

One of his passengers then spied the car park under the Forum. Unfortunately the only way of getting to it was to drive way out to the inner link road, go round the Chapelfield roundabout and come back again along Cleveland Street and Bethel Street.

His ordeal was not over: a barrier at the Forum was broken, and there was more, which space does not permit me to relate. He reached the theatre half an hour late. He is a gentleman, not one to start a row or create a fuss. He asks: “Are these simply ordinary everyday occurrences for those who come to the theatre often?”

The answer, sadly, is that people are going to come to the theatre less often. There is only so much drama you can sit through.

Throttling all the love out of life

Helen Keller said: “Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. Security does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than exposure.” Because we do not believe her (after all, she was deaf and blind), we have the health and safety industry, which throttles all the love and enthusiasm out of life on a routine basis.

For several years, friends of mine have been paying weekly visits to elderly people in a Norwich residential home. Obviously they are nice people, or they would not be doing it.

A couple of weeks back, they were told that the home had had an inspection, and as a result they had to stop visiting until they were checked by the police. This would take a few weeks.

Result: the elderly people have been deprived of their visitors for perhaps a couple of months. The friends, being determined, are getting their police checks – others might easily have been put off completely. It means paperwork and proves very little.

The home didn’t want this, nor did the residents, nor did my friends and, I suspect, nor did the police.

But the health and safety people are happy – if that’s not too risky an emotion – because all the boxes will have been ticked, and that’s what health and safety people like. Ticking boxes is death, and nothing is safer than death. Sorry, Helen.

Brave new schools scheme from newts welcomed

Following the collapse of the county schools PFI scheme – perhaps the most widely predicted disaster in the history of Norfolk – a consortium of great crested newts has come up with a project which it promises will “give the county a whole range of cutting-edge school buildings”.

The consortium, which is based in old railway sidings at Melton Constable, pledges to do all the necessary work in about three months or so and to use only the best materials if possible. It says the paperwork will easily be completed by head teachers within three weeks “unless they have to teach, or want to sleep or something”.

The newts say they will be responsible for all the upkeep of the new buildings if they are still in business and have the time to fit it in. They will also devise a curriculum and appoint staff and tell councillors what to do.

A spokesman for the county council said: “This is a fantastic offer. We can’t see anything wrong with it at all.”

Radical advice from Pondhenge for crime victims

The advice by top police officers to run away and hide if you see a burglar has been enthusiastically supported by Pondhenge Police, in North Norfolk.

Retired Acting Chief Superintendent Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago said last night: “We see this as a big step forward in reducing crime. There will be far fewer people in court.”

He wants the Association of Chief Police Officers to go further and issue advice to the public on other crimes.

“If you are being murdered, we suggest you lie back and let it happen,” he said. “It avoids all those irritating additional injuries that come from resisting. We are also urging banks to leave their doors open so that robbers don’t need to damage the paintwork. And to avoid being attacked by drunken yobs, we suggest you buy them a drink.”

He agreed these were radical ideas but felt sure the public would respond.

Gentle dig

Which literary group described the Assembly House in Norwich on its leaflets as having a gentile atmosphere? I couldn’t possibly comment, but if you’re interested in comparisons, try Wensum Lodge, the older part of which is in premises formerly owned by Isaac Jurnet, a wealthy non-gentile. Quite a different atmosphere, I’m sure you’ll agree.

1 November 2004

on 1 November 2004 at 12:34

Secret plans to transform centre of a fine city

Most citizens of Norwich are still almost prostrate from shock at learning that councillors have been considering secret plans to concrete over the historic market.

Apparently some members were hankering after the creation of a magnificent civic space in front of their palace – sorry, I mean City Hall.

Now a local expert, Professor V A R Scheinlich, claims that he has uncovered plans to transform other parts of Norwich. He says the council is looking at ideas to • knock down the Castle and build a gold-encrusted tower that will reach to heaven, based partly on the Tower of Babel and partly on the European Parliament building in Strasbourg; • turn the Cathedral and Close into a giant stadium as part of a bid for the Olympics in 2020; • drain the Wensum to create a huge bus and cycle lane combined with a futuristic sea defence scheme.

Prof Scheinlich says these ideas are intended to “bring Norwich into the 22nd century well before anyone else even gets close”. He denies an allegation by father-of-one the Rev Nick “Nick” Reppscumbastwick, 48, that the relative flatness of Norfolk itself resulted from an ill-conceived medieval scheme to build a land bridge between Northampton and parts of Dieppe.

What you missed while you were looking at the speedometer

In all the excitement about replacing the Norwich Grapes Hill speed camera with something even more technologically scintillating, you may not have noticed the Department for Transport announcing research which revealed that speed was much less of a factor in road accidents than had been previously maintained.

Given that badly advised Ministers have striven to keep this figure as high as possible, its admission that the number of death or serious injury accidents in which excessive speed was involved is a maximum of 18 per cent is highly significant. It could mean the true figure is considerably less.

But don’t hold your breath waiting for scamera partnerships, certain chief constables and many councillors to reduce their own amateur estimates from nearly twice or three times that. And don’t expect wide publicity for the news that pedestrians have been advised not to cross the road near speed cameras, because drivers are likely to be looking at their speedometers and not at road hazards there. A coroner in Manchester said cameras diverted drivers’ attention from pedestrians and other hazards, and this was backed up by the police accident investigator in the case.

It seems undeniable that drivers who are concerned about their precise speed are not going to be concentrating on real dangers, but that will not do for certain speed-obsessed groups. In this particular case, the spokesman for Brake said thoughtfully: “I think it is extremely doubtful that the speed camera was a factor.”

So that’s all right then.

Queues starting for Sunday worship

Sometimes it takes a bus driver to show you the way.

As half-term last week signalled the start of the cold Christmas shopping season, and the queues started forming on Sundays to worship blindly at the Big W, more and more people were getting nostalgic about the Sabbaths of Christmas past, when department stores were refreshingly shut and the streets wonderfully quiet.

Norwich bus drivers have said they don’t want to carry shopaholics around on the day of rest, and for once I will be delighted to follow them – but without much hope.

Closing shops for a day would restore a bit of sanity to our weeks, and probably bring with it a hefty portion of health benefits. But of course the lemming-like shopowners and shareholders won’t let that happen: it might affect their profits, for heaven’s sake. If that’s the right phrase.

Less and less chance of getting through

Exhausted by Energy Efficiency Week, on the road and desperate to contact a friend? Well, unless you have a mobile phone, the prospects are getting dimmer and dimmer. BT seems determined to discard its lovely phone boxes in easy stages because – you’ve guessed it – they’re not making money. This is bad luck for all those people living in dead spots in North Norfolk – not near the cemeteries, but in the many places, like most of Cromer, where there is no mobile phone signal at all. Not BT’s fault, perhaps, but what chance shall we have of warning the rest of Norfolk when the warming sea, full of melted Arctic ice, spills over the Red Lion?

Bit of a remote chance, you may think. Students at UEA have a more immediate problem. They were promised payphones in their new residence at Colman House, but when they poured in to occupy it, payphones were notable by their absence. BT, I am told, is unwilling to fund them. Age of communication? Yeah, right.

Professional view of obstacles in road

As part of the drive to increase pollution, damage to vehicles and discomfort to residents, a plague of road humps continues to be inserted into what used to be a lovely city. You may hate them (or not), but what do professional drivers think?

Peter Hammond, a private hire car driver, writes: “I recently had to replace a steering drag-link on my Vauxhall Omega at a cost of well over £100, because of wear inflicted by over-100mm humps placed just into side roads where the compression load on the steering is exacerbated by the sideways load of the corner.

“With five people plus luggage on board, even the most careful driving doesn’t prevent the increased wear on the drag-links. I find that on most humps, less than 10mph is the normal operating speed for passenger comfort  how I enjoy taking up to 10 minutes longer per journey!

“This is effectively a reduction in pay, as private hire vehicles get a set fare per journey.

“When driving disabled people in wheelchairs in a Transit Minibus I cannot, however hard I try, give them a smooth enough ride over Norwich humps to prevent at best discomfort and at worst some pain. My Omega is a top-of-the-range vehicle with load-levelling suspension and is reckoned by the trade to be the best of its type for the job. If I can’t ride over humps above 10 to 15mph in that, then I am being deliberately impeded in my legal right to free passage on the highway. “It causes damage, pollution and extra costs for any bus, taxi, service vehicle or emergency vehicle. What gives the council the right to do this?” Good question. No doubt there’s a very bad answer.