18 October 2004

on 18 October 2004 at 04:00

Leg length crisis could end life as we know it

Scientists have discovered that since 1982 the average length of an 18-year-old female’s legs has increased by almost an inch. The legs of 18-year-old men have grown by just over an inch in the same period.

Alarmed by the implications, which are clearly linked to increased car use, the Government is proposing to pour funds into the School of Penguins, Chess and Road Surfacing at the University of East Anglia, providing it sets up a research unit which will predict disaster within the next century.

Computer models and statistics have already been devised which will reveal that people will be too tall for most buildings by 2050 unless we start using public transport, however erratic, noisy and polluting that may be.

Professor Ian “Sam” Aufmerksam said: “There is a clear consensus in the scientific community that this astonishing leg growth can only have been caused by the use of cars and, possibly, electricity. Nothing like it has ever happened before. We must act immediately. Excuse me, you’re standing on my bike.”

Internationally, the increase in leg length has caused so much concern – especially in the fashion industry – that a summit conference is being held in Japan to impose stringent constraints on the developed, or long-legged, nations which are failing to use leg-warmers in any way.

At home a Government spokesperson said: “We intend to impose huge taxes on people who do not comply with scientific recommendations. We have already redirected cash that was going to be used for aid projects to finance this work and counter lengthening legs – the biggest threat to civilisation as we know it.”

Dissenting scientists claim that longer legs will be of greater benefit to mankind because it will enable them to walk further, but this has been dismissed as a “minority” view and “similar to fundamentalists who believe the earth is flat and kill people”.

Signs of a mutating virus

Alerted by my comments last time about the mysterious 10mph speed limit at roadworks near Brooke, a perceptive friend has spotted a 10mph sign before the level crossing just north of Thetford on the A1075. She observed: “Curiously, there is then nothing to indicate that you can stop driving at 10mph before the 50mph signs begin a few miles later at Wretham. “And it seems you only have to slow down to 10mph if you are going north. Perhaps it's a cunning county council plot to discourage Thetford people from escaping.”

This is certainly a possibility, since statistics show that Thetford people are safest in Thetford. But I wonder if these 10mph signs are what they seem.

I understand that a new form of life has been discovered in Bradford – a kind of giant virus “so bizarre and unlike anything else that perhaps it should be placed in its own category of living things”, according to genetic analysts.

It does not seem beyond the bounds of possibility that these 10mph signs, which seem to sprout of their own accord for no good reason, are a similar new form of life, perhaps feeding on tarmac, roadside plants or deer.

Some analysts, such as Len “Kissme” Hardy of Hindolveston, have suggested that the ever-expanding 20mph signs, already established to plague levels in many habitats, are also like giant viruses, and are now mutating.

More work clearly needs to be done on this before we are overrun in our beds.

Anger at Pondhenge over Whitehall name game

The University of Pondhenge, in North Norfolk, has reacted angrily to Government attempts to compel it to recruit more students whose names begin with the letter X.

Vice-chancellor Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago, 105, said last night: “Apparently we, like Oxford and Cambridge – to whom we are often compared – are alleged to be deliberately aiming our recruiting at people whose names do not begin with X.

“This is ridiculous. I will admit that our current student list is very short of people whose names begin with X, but this is a freak occurrence. We are open to everybody.”

The Government has set up a regulator – the Office for Fairness to Every Name (OFTEN) – to ensure that all universities, especially Pondhenge, recruit more students whose names begin with X. According to statistics, such people have been deterred from applying because of perceived discrimination and the wrong choice of school or parents.

Universities who do not comply will have to pay a large fine to the Government, or supply a goose for the Whitehall Christmas party.

Threat of reprisals over clocks move

Forces loyal to the radical Anglican cleric, the Rev Nick “Nick” Reppscumbastwick, are threatening reprisals in East Norfolk if plans to put the clocks back go ahead.

A statement issued to the minority radio channel, Broadland, which has long been recognised as a mouthpiece for radical Anglicans, said: “It is sacrilege to even consider moving clocks. Clocks must be allowed to stay where they are. If they were moved back, most church towers would fall down. “We have spent all summer pinning down the powers of darkness, and although they are expanding rapidly, we know exactly where they are. If clocks go back, there is no telling where the darkness will be. Even Lowestoft could be at risk.”

The statement continued with veiled threats of congregations rising up and boycotting Sunday shopping, but a police spokesman said he thought this was unlikely to happen, as congregations only rose up when the liturgy required them to.

Nevertheless the chief constable is taking the threat seriously and has deployed several speed cameras to the area. “You can never tell with Anglicans,” he said.

Newts may have mole inside authority

Reader John Pitchers suggests that the Broads Authority’s apparent campaign to convert its area to kilometres independently of the county council or anyone else may have been inspired by the notoriously expansionist great crested newts.

The newts, possibly influenced by their cousins – the Austrian cave salamanders, to whom kilometres are second nature – have long been known for their desire to interfere with normal human life in an attempt to destroy it.

They may have a mole inside the Broads Authority. Mr Pitchers points out the clinching clue that newtons are a metric measure of weight.

4 October 2004

on 4 October 2004 at 04:00

Sad end to woman's battle against bureaucracy

A prominent Norwich businessman who has also been a councillor in another place told me a few weeks ago that councils could get away with almost anything – because people were intimidated by them.

They had two main methods of dealing with criticism: one was to ignore it, and the other was to attempt to confuse the critic through red tape and dense procedures.

Neither of these worked with Betty Distill, a 75-year-old former probation office administrator, who died suddenly when she fell downstairs two weeks ago and was cremated on Friday.

She had been fighting a long and vigorous battle with Norwich City Council over their unnecessary and mishandled changes to part of North Park Avenue. Widening the road in a hamfisted way had removed the off-road parking and created danger where none existed before. During a fruitless correspondence with the chief executive, she had at one point been sent a leaflet in Bengali. No doubt the council thought this quite funny – or perhaps it was a mistake.

We kept in touch, and days before she died she rang me, distraught that the council had now installed Permit Parking directly outside her home, which meant that the local authority was going to benefit financially from its incompetence. Mrs Distill was an impressive woman: intelligent, determined and, to start with, amused at the antics the council adopted to avoid responsibility. She came from a background of office management – she had also worked at Boulton & Paul – and was appalled at the way the clear levels of responsibility that once existed had faded away in councils and businesses generally. This was not the first time she had come up against a brick wall when trying to probe impenetrable local government mismanagement.

The city council can hardly be blamed for Mrs Distill’s death. But this is the second case I have come across – the other was outside the city – where a pensioner’s last months and years, which should be a time for relaxation and peace, were spent in a frustrating battle against faceless bureaucracy.

It would be a fitting tribute to Mrs Distill – and if you want to hear other tributes, ask her neighbours and prominent city figures like Rory Quinn and David Bradford – if the city council reformed its procedures so that legitimate queries from the public were dealt with fairly, quickly and responsibly, and the first question on receiving a complaint from a member of the public was not “How can we protect ourselves?”

Violent language against minority views

When the science and the statistics are unclear on contentious issues, we have to resort to other methods to establish the truth.

One is common sense, but a useful test is to look at the attitude of those espousing the different ideas. Regular readers will know that I believe the almost exclusive concentration on speed as a cause of road accidents is both misleading and dangerous. I have explained why on many – perhaps too many – occasions.

They will also know that I have doubts about the widely circulated “establishment” theories about human-induced global warming, as do many scientists, most of whom rarely get quoted in the media.

What has struck me is the linguistic violence directed at those who express such “minority” views. These can be found on various websites, but in the past fortnight I have received e-mails expressing themselves in similarly violent terms.

One, from a scientist and prominent media activist in the global warming doom-monger mould, revealed that he did not know the meaning of words like endorse, propaganda and sceptic, and had a poor memory. He concluded that I was either “similar to terrorists with fundamentalist views” or a “blithering idiot”. Readers may concur, but to resort to such methods must reveal a considerable lack of available logical argument, as well as some desperation.

The other, on the subject of road accidents, expressed disappointment that the EDP allowed space for minority views. Banning minority views has been tried, I believe. There is a word for it.

He went on to produce a mountain of violent and offensive language, including the following – sod you, dishonest bluster, dangerous crank views, ignorant, offensive, blustering bigot, racist, bare-faced lie, dangerous nonsense, death threats, reckless garbage, utter rubbish, barking mad, disgrace and downright dishonesty.

We don’t have to ask if this sort of thing is desirable: it clearly isn’t. What we might ask is what sort of person resorts to it.

All the best people are sliding off barometers

A regular correspondent was intrigued by the comments of a senior policeperson following a court’s mystifying failure to jail a habitual thief.

Chief Inspector Sarah Francis said: "I can't predict the future, but he's someone who we wouldn't be expecting to slide off our barometers."

The clear implication is that law-abiding citizens do slide off police barometers. But where does this happen? And how? We should be told.

Richard “Volcano” Meek (for it was he) responded bravely: “I would like to be among the first to demonstrate my upstanding nature...although doing it standing up doesn't sound wise to me.”

If I were Richard, I would be careful. He could end up behind millibars – or even isobars, which as well as being colder, can be quite close together, if it’s windy.

Red flag on the horizon as downward trend continues

Travelling home the other Sunday in the Brooke area of South Norfolk, I came across roadworks. This is not unusual, of course: they are all essential, as I’m sure you’ve noticed.

These particular ones featured lights governing a short single-carriageway stretch of the B1332. Needless to say, no-one was actually doing any work, or even in the vicinity, but the speed limit was set at a staggering and totally pointless 10mph.

Clearly there is a downward trend. First to the very rarely needed 20mph (originally seen as ridiculous and abandoned in the 1920s), now to an even more bizarre 10mph. What next? The passenger must get out and carry a flag? Or cars must remain stationary until the roadworks are complete?