19 January 2004

on 19 January 2004 at 08:00

Mistake to let motorists off too lightly

David Blunkett’s plan to make motorists who exceed the speed limit pay extra to compensate the victims of crime is a stroke of brilliance.

The only reservation I have is that it does not go far enough.

I suggest that such motorists should be made to go to see the victims of all crimes committed in their area and apologise to them in person, then offer to do their shopping for them.

Following this they should go to see Mr Blunkett and, possibly from a kneeling position, beg his forgiveness and offer to wear an electronic tag.

They should then organise a gathering of everyone within a one-mile radius of their home who hasn’t got a car and rend their clothes in front of them. Sackcloth and ashes would be an option.

They should personally build a road hump out of material extracted from their garden and insert it in the street outside their house.

Lastly, they should purchase a speed camera, using money loaned by the government at an exorbitant rate of interest, and place it at a spot where it is likely to raise maximum revenue for Mr Blair, shooting any vandals who may want to interfere.

What do I mean, lastly? Why not authorise super-wardens – those elf-like figures who may or may not be immortal – to knee motorists in the groin and batter them around the head with a parking meter?

And to make life absolutely perfect, who not arrange an honour – say a knighthood – for everyone who writes to a newspaper or e-mails a radio or TV programme to say that everyone should stay below the speed limit and then there wouldn’t be a problem? In fact, why not make it a Nobel Prize? After all, original thinkers should be rewarded.

As for burglars, perhaps they could meet the Queen.

Council does what it likes

Writing a page like this is sometimes a bit like hitting your head against a brick wall – especially where Norwich City Council is concerned.

This is hardly surprising, since the council specialises in not responding to concern from the public. When faced with the appalling mess they had made of the inoffensive North Park Avenue in Norwich – transforming a safe street into a dangerous one, full of blind spots and bottlenecks – a councillor informed a concerned local resident: “We can do what we like.”

So that’s all right, then. No doubt the same applies to the nonsensical no-right-turn introduced at Foundry Bridge, forcing through-traffic into narrow residential streets. Maybe there’s a council policy of making life difficult for residents. It should go down really well at the next election.

One reader points out to me that this latest change is bound to be a success, because no-one will turn right – and that will be the criterion for judging it. I am sure he is correct. But eventually it must dawn on the council – which is not the sharpest tool in the set – that if it can do what it likes, why bother with criteria?

Encroaching countryside threatens village

Most of Eccles-on-Sea, between Happisburgh and Sea Palling, succumbed to the waves of the North Sea some time ago. New research reveals that its namesake – Eccles Road, near Attleborough – is under threat from a quite different source.

Prof V A R Scheinlich, of the Autonomous Republic of Hingham, has produced a document that suggests Eccles Road is in danger of falling into the countryside. “It is not easy to spot,” he told me, “but if you look carefully you can see the gradual encroachment of fields and trees, led by the occasional bramble. With global warming, this will of course accelerate.”

He fears that Eccles Road will eventually be “eaten like a cake”. He pointed to many other towns and villages that have been swallowed up by the countryside in the past and added: “It’s a silent menace. Not many people are aware of it, except me. And Mrs Hicks, of course.”

He is calling for a flint wall to be erected around the village to safeguard it.

Norfolk travel master plan

Following last week’s shock revelation concerning future travel in Norfolk, I am able to reveal the second part of the leaked master plan to reduce congestion in the north of Norwich.

This involves taking Norwich International airport back into public ownership and converting it into a giant car park. A second mega-car park will be built just off the Thickthorn roundabout, and a bus will connect the two 24 hours a day.

Why? People living in places like Sheringham, Cromer and North Walsham will be able to drive to the airport, get in the bus, and at Thickthorn pick up the family’s second car and drive it to Thetford and beyond.

Simple, isn’t it? It’s amazing no-one has thought of it before.

Speed: time for reflection

The award for 2003’s most blatant misuse of a speed camera was going to the Norfolk Speed Camera Promotion Partnership for its Grapes Hill camera in Norwich, which is so obviously ridiculous that it is not even worth discussing.

But this has been pushed into second place by their Dorset colleagues, who fined the deputy mayor of Portland £60 for travelling at 51mph in a 30mph zone, only to discover that he was able to prove from their own pictures that he had been travelling at less than 15mph.

The Dorset partnership said the miscalculation had been caused by a “reflected image”, which was an “extremely rare occurrence”.

Really? I wonder how rare. I also wonder why they don’t check their own pictures before issuing penalty notices. Is it because they assume that no-one will challenge them, and that magistrates are not interested in anyone who does? If so, how widespread is this attitude? Extremely rare, I hope. I wonder if it could happen in Norfolk.

Most revealing statement by speed camera fan: “We can only stay in business if there are enough people speeding to pay for the cost of the whole operation.”

12 January 2004

on 14 January 2004 at 17:23

Boldly going into new space

I wandered almost by chance the other day into Jobcentre Plus, Norwich. I wanted to go into Baltic House in Mountergate, but they closed it down just before I got there, and moved everything – for my convenience, no doubt – over to the other side of the city.

I had heard about jobcentres, of course, but the Plus intrigued me. I suppose it’s meant to convey to the casual punter that there’s more to it than meets the eye.

What does meet the eye isn’t exactly clear-cut. Most of the time it’s Jobcentre Plus, but sometimes it’s jobcentreplus. That would be because it’s a modern service. I know it’s a modern service because it says so in The Phone Book – which used to be called the Telephone Directory when it was less modern and had even Wells-on-Sea numbers in it.

The other reason I know Jobcentre Plus is a modern service is because it has no signs in it, other than the Plus. It’s rather like the Starship Enterprise, in fact, with computer outlets sprouting all over the place and people wandering around looking as if they’re boldly going somewhere no-one has gone before, and can’t quite make it out.

There is a niggling feeling that one might be beamed up or down at any moment.

I checked with one of the crew members – possibly an ensign – and found that I should be standing in what N F Simpson would have described as the nucleus of a queue, which was forming in apparently random fashion next to one of the computer terminals, in the way that a group of crocuses sprouts unexpectedly in January by the back door.

Nothing much happened for a long time – several light years, at a guess. I assumed we must be in a black hole or similar phenomenon. Maybe it was a normal day in space.

Eventually I reached something that I was told was General Inquiries – possibly a pseudonym for Captain Kirkplus. And I am happy to report that my query was expertly dealt with, as you might expect in a starship. I did pose a question or two about the absence of signs and was told it was “the new vision”. The crew seemed somewhat mystified themselves, which I put down to some kind of alien mind-meld. But they were quite cheerful about it.

I did notice a few Klingons wandering around, but of course that kind of thing is routine. Unless they’ve taken over, and not told anyone.

No, right: we're just lucky

It’s comforting to know that Norwich City Council’s daft decision to ban right turns from Thorpe Road into Riverside Road will probably be enforced by those nice, compassionate traffic-warden-like figures who have no interest at all in making money, reaching targets or impressing their employers.

I wonder how much money the council envisages making out of its bizarre decision, which benefits no-one and makes life less pleasant for a lucky selection of residents and road users who don’t really matter at all, because they certainly aren’t going to vote Liberal Democrat.

The lucky residents of the winding and narrow Rosary Road, for instance, who now experience all the joys of the additional through traffic.

The lucky residents of steep and narrow Chalk Hill Road, who also have more vehicles chugging past their houses. (No doubt it is only a question of time before they get humps, which means they will have bangs and extra exhaust emissions too.) And the lucky drivers who reach the Foundry Bridge lights intending to turn right, only to find they have to plough on into the city or turn off in exactly the opposite direction to the one in which they wanted to go.

Something mind-warping seems to have got into the traffic management department. Perhaps we should go in and rescue them.

Enough said

Having drawn your attention to one exciting road sign on the A149, which invites you to slow down just as you enter a faster speed limit, I feel I have to give you another. Just down the road apiece, not far from Smallburgh, is the vital information: “Cats common”. True enough, but surely not worth mentioning on a road where so much else needs to be said.

Eyes front, if you can

Following the screening of Shattered – a pseudo-reality show in which the contestants try to stay awake – Channel 4 is planning a follow-up series in which the viewers try to stay awake instead.

“We feel this is much more of a challenge,” said spokesperson Dorothea Goodchild (no relation).

“It’s the Holy Grail of reality TV, as well as being the fatted calf, the shibboleth and the Promised Land.”

The new show – working title Empty Your Heads – is scheduled to go out.

“If we crack this one, we’ve got it made,” said Ms Goodchild, 17.

Restricted area

A secret document has been sent to me that could affect the whole face of Norfolk as we know it. Its implications are so enormous that I can only release a small part of it in order to avoid panicking the entire population.

Its intentions are to solve the traffic problem at a stroke, but it involves giving dictator-like powers to an individual who is as yet unnamed.

Under the new plans only the residents of Norfolk will be allowed to have and use cars within the county, and then only under strict regulation.

Two large transport interchanges will be built – one on the A11 and the other on the A47 – where goods will be unloaded from articulated vehicles into small, pallet-sized containers which will be towed behind bicycles. A range of bicycles will be made available to individuals and families who arrive by car.

There is more that I cannot uncover yet. Astoundingly, there are no plans to put the scheme out to public consultation.

5 January 2004

on 9 January 2004 at 08:00

Gnome report suppressed

A shocking report compiled at the request of Professor Ian “Sam” Aufmerksam, of the University of East Anglia, was not revealed on Boxing Day.

The report, which showed definitively that 120 per cent of the population were in favour of reducing road accidents by the careful placement of garden gnomes, and that casualties in gnome-introduction areas had been totally eliminated, was put together by Prof Gnide Quiddity, who is a close colleague of Prof Aufmerksam’s in the world-famous School of Penguins, Chess and Road Surfacing.

It also showed, for the first time, that vehicles standing still were involved in about 50 per cent of speed-related collisions.

The report, as well as being secret and confidential, was completely independent. It was produced because of the almost total absence of discussion about speed from the pages of the EDP or any other media in the known universe.

Prof Aufmerksam said yesterday: “This was a totally ground-breaking report which we had compiled carefully together – sorry, I mean Prof Quiddity had compiled totally independently and with absolutely no agenda of his own.

“We had intended to leak it to the press on Boxing Day when no-one was around to check it or see through it – sorry again, I mean because there would be so little news around that it would be bound to make the front page.

“No, I see I’ve got that wrong too. It was so that it would make a huge impact on people’s breakfast tables, and they could take it on board when their intellects were at their most razor-sharp.

“Unfortunately we were outsmarted. The Chief Constable of Norfolk released a report that was even more bizarre and incredible, and of course he has more influence than us, as well as a large building at Wymondham. So it was all over.”

The School of Penguins, Chess and Road Surfacing is now researching the effect of garden gnomes on senior policemen. Prof Quiddity has lost his parking space.

Objects in terror campaign

Inanimate objects in the Cromer area launched a campaign of terror against residents in the run-up to Christmas.

Although not widely reported, this affected a large number of people. Our North Norfolk correspondent, Cole Turkey, reports.

“Good morning, everybody. Yes, wherever I turn in Cromer I hear tales of central heating pumps deliberately breaking down, just as festivities are getting under way. No organisation has as yet claimed responsibility, but the Campaign for Annoying Residents (CAR) is suspected. Here is a local woman, who prefers to remain anonymous.”

Local woman: “I had to ask the heating engineer round for about five visits prior to Christmas. He became such a regular visitor that he felt it necessary to point out that he didn't like sprouts, and not to bother getting any cranberry sauce.”

Cole Turkey: “Another anonymous woman has had problems with her plumbing. This is what she has to say."

Another anonymous woman: “I've found that plumbing in Cromer gets blocked, leaks spring where they haven't sprung before, and plastic sinks start to refuse to hold water even with the plug in, because the little bits round the holes in the trap have a life of five years, which always comes to an end on December19.

“This leaves me barely enough time to drive around in the fog to visit five outlets in order to get the required bit (consisting mainly of the vital holes), plus about ten other attachments that aren't really required but nevertheless must be purchased with the holes.”

Cole Turkey: “Well, there you have it. We must all be vigilant in the coming difficult times. And now back to the studio. Hello? Is anyone there?”

Quick thinking

I had compiled a list of awards for the most bizarre speed-related statements, placements, claims, statistics and pictures of 2003, but I am omitting these out of respect for those of a sensitive disposition.

However, I cannot deprive readers of one strange sign, spotted by a correspondent on the A149 as it leaves cuddly Repps with Bastwick and makes its way towards a more craftsmanlike Potter Heigham.

The sign is simply “Slow Down” – but it is placed precisely where the 40mph limit ends and the 50mph one begins. It also contains an extra word. “Think”. I suspect someone didn’t.