18 August 2003

on 18 August 2003 at 08:00

Crop circle shock

Shock pictures have reached this page of a totally new variation on crop circles discovered in South Norfolk.

Experts agree that two features set this particular example apart from the usual run of crop circles. One is that it is not a circle, and the second is that there does not appear to be a crop. In all other respects it is identical.

There is, as always, dispute as to what the figure represents. Prof Ian “Sam” Aufmerksam of the School of Penguins, Chess and Road Surfacing at the University of East Anglia suggests that is clear than an alien intelligence is trying to reach us.

“It is fairly obvious that the letters T and O are represented,” he told our reporter. “This means that the aliens want us to go somewhere. I believe the long straight line means that we have to be prepared to undertake a long journey. As the whole thing is a light colour, this may mean that it involves light speed.”

Prof V A R Scheinlich, whose pioneering work on knot theory revolutionised the theory of everything, was more sceptical. “This could be a natural phenomenon,” he said. “In certain climatic conditions a whirlpool effect can distort soil patterns so that they appear to be a message from aliens, especially in summer. A lot of respectable scientists have been fooled.”

He pointed out that this crop circle had appeared not too far from the Autonomous Republic of Hingham, which was well known for wormholes, time distortion and unusual versions of democracy. I have been sworn to secrecy concerning the exact location of this crop circle, but it is in fact at Tibenham, coincidentally the home of Norfolk Gliding Club. Locals suggest that the circle is in fact in the shape of a glider, and the right wingtip actually touches an access path, indicating that it may be man-made. But this is clearly too bizarre a theory to take seriously.

Motorway maintenance

A regular reader tells me that he was clergy-spotting in the Cathedral Close, Norwich, where many bishops, deans and lesser-beaked canons pause to feed on their summer flight south, when he caught sight of something even more bizarre: a large contractors' lorry bearing the legend Motorway Maintenance. There is clearly no need for Motorway Maintenance lorries to be in Norfolk at all, and some say they should be barred at the border. What was going on?

According to my informant, there is a Roman road in the vicinity of The Close, under or near the cathedral. Could it be that a section of it is being secretly upgraded to six lanes to compensate for the closure of Queen Street to cars? And is there any connection between this and the maze in the Cloisters?

The public should be told.

Wrong kind of tunnels

I was intrigued to read recently that the tunnel just outside Ipswich railway station, not far from Norfolk, will have to be closed so that it can be made bigger – apparently to accommodate taller container trucks.

This may be part of a perfectly reasonable European campaign to make life as difficult as possible for England, like the obligation to strengthen half our road bridges to take their heavier lorries. Well, it beats declaring war on us, I suppose. But if not, we must be insane. Making a tunnel bigger to fit bigger trucks is like increasing the size of a house to accommodate a mammoth sofa.

Surely the sensible course is to construct trucks to fit the tunnels we have? And while we’re at it, why don’t we build buses and lorries to fit our roads?

Half the congestion in Norwich (and most of the pollution) is caused by heavy vehicles blocking two lanes and taking an age to manoeuvre round tight corners. Buses and lorries are totally unsuitable for many of the country roads they travel on. Yet we continue to be mesmerised into building wider and longer vehicles.

Fenced off by sandcastle shortage

The latest frightener dredged up by climate change scientists is likely to have the biggest impact of the lot. According to reports, if climate change is unchecked, we may not be able to build sandcastles in future.

Obviously this is worrying. I don’t know how I will manage, personally. But I am also a little curious. Even if the sea level does rise, there will surely still have to be a coast somewhere. Unless of course the whole island disappears, in which case sandcastle loss may not be our top priority.

In any case, I have the solution. We must simply put fences along the beach, as we do along rivers where people tend to fall in. The fences would not only hold back the rising water levels but prevent reckless holidaymakers from swimming or paddling. There is too much of that going on.

I have a dream: a fence all the way round the British Isles, so that we will all be totally secure. Health and safety, eat your heart out.

Parking saints encourage walkers

A recent survey revealed that more people walk to work in Norwich than in any other big town or city in the region. As a regular city walker, I would like to think this is because of residents’ health-consciousness, but I suspect it is more to do with the lack of parking spaces.

One refreshing thing about parking in Norwich, however, is the permit areas, which are named after saints like Clement, Peter, Julian and Giles – a group which will I suspect be known in future as the patron saints of permit parking.

A surprise omission (unless I have overlooked him) is St Jude, the patron saint of lost causes. Residents attempting to find a slot among the white vans that infest our street would certainly see him as an appropriate replacement for our sadly anonymous and unholy Zone B.

4 August 2003

on 4 August 2003 at 08:00

It is understandable that Norfolk people should find driving on dual carriageways difficult, since we have so few of them.

But this does not apply to the rest of the country. So why is dual carriageway driving generally so bad? As a public service I have put together a supplement to the Highway Code that should help to make dual carriageways both safe and uncongested. Some of these points are merely clarifications of current safe driving practice; others are helpful suggestions.

* On dual carriageways HGVs should be confined to the inside lane. * When overtaking on a dual carriageway it is not sufficient simply to switch on your indicator and pull out. * You should never pull out in front of another vehicle if by doing so you cause it to brake. * Slow-moving vehicles should not pull into the outside lane of a dual carriageway automatically whenever they approach an entry slip road. Vehicles joining the faster road should normally filter into the nearside lane between vehicles. * No vehicle should overtake on a dual carriageway unless it can complete the passing manoeuvre in 20 seconds or less. * When passing slow-moving vehicles in heavy traffic, do not pull out in front of faster vehicles, thus forming a long, slow-moving stream in the outside lane. Wait until the faster vehicles go through. * It is permissible to change lanes more than once on dual carriageways. Do not feel that because you are in the outside lane you have to stay there until you overtake the lorry half a mile ahead. * When pulling on to a dual carriageway road from a junction, match the speed of the traffic as soon as possible. It is permissible to press the accelerator. * When turning off the dual carriageway, do not slow more than is necessary before doing so. Slow driving on fast roads is dangerous. * Do not assume that anyone driving faster than you is a mad fool. He/she may be a better driver than you. He/she may not, but you can’t tell that from the fact that you have been overtaken. * Do not assume that anyone who overtakes you is in a desperate hurry. He/she may simply prefer not to sit behind a lorry/van/caravan or any other vehicle that blocks the view of the road ahead. Or you may be driving too slowly for the conditions. * Do not hit the brake whenever you see a speed camera, especially when you are already travelling well under the speed limit. * Pay attention. * Have consideration for other road users. * If you think that everyone exceeding a speed limit is a criminal, stop driving immediately. You do not have the minimum brain power necessary to drive well. * If you do not enjoy driving, stop driving immediately. If you don’t enjoy it, you will almost certainly be doing it badly. (Obviously this does not apply in temporary situations like traffic jams or other highway-authority-induced congestion.) * If you are pulling a caravan, take it to the nearest scrapyard.

Council advice

Councils have a hard time, don’t they? They try to do the right thing, but it keeps going wrong.

Norfolk County Council workers, for instance, suddenly got all concerned about unauthorised signs giving directions to Gunthorpe grand fete; so of course they took them down.

“We’re not spoilsports,” they said. Which doesn’t really explain all those signs that remain beside the road long after the event has passed. I have never yet seen a Flood sign where there was still water on the road, and the sign warning of road closures in the city for the Lord Mayor’s Procession was there for weeks afterwards.

Norwich City Council got all excited about environmental issues. So it issued free compost bins and caused a massive traffic jam on one of the city’s most sensitive routes. It had already delivered recycling boxes to our street (and many others), which is fine – except that the gentlemen who empty them fling them down all over the pavement, upside down and with the lids off. Not exactly wheelchair-friendly.

Then North Norfolk District Council thought it would be a good thing to install security doors on a number of blocks of flats in North Walsham to prevent vandalism and robbery. It worked, too. Unfortunately it also meant that several elderly residents couldn’t get out because they were too frail to open the doors. Let’s hope there’s not a fire.

Getting the hump

I would not want to criticise the BBC, which is in enough trouble as it is, but I was rather disturbed by its web page on speed humps, to which I was directed by a concerned citizen following my piece on introducing humps at Mundesley, through which it is already impossible to drive quickly.

The page, http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/3084331.stm, includes a vote on whether or not you want to sweep away speed humps, as they have done in the enlightened London Borough of Barnet. Naturally I attempted to vote in favour, but my vote was not accepted. I received a message saying “Page not found”– on several occasions.

I hope this is not an attempt to distort the vote, or to pretend that no-one is interested. Perhaps by the time you read this, normal service will have been resumed.

Newt expansion

A reader tells me that the expansionist plans of great crested newts, long discounted by experts such as Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago, 104, may not have been entirely abandoned. One of their pet projects – the genetic modification of cats – appears to have been revived, if we are to believe a notice in a Norwich newsagent’s.

"Free to good home,” it reads. “Two newted male cats. One grey, the other black. Must be kept together.”