23 July 2003

on 23 July 2003 at 08:00

Appalling catalogue of broken loves

Norfolk County Council is planning emergency measures to combat the dangerous proliferation of speed dating in this hitherto quiet and sedate part of the country.

Members and officers are convinced that speed dating, which originated in >America, is the cause of at least a third and probably half of a long list of broken hearts in Norfolk, which are on the increase and costing the National Health Service millions.

Bypasses are not available because of financial difficulties, according to the regional planning team.

Studies by the Dating Research Laboratory have shown that while inattention, carelessness and stupidity are to blame for most accidents of this nature, speed dating is a big factor, especially if you assume that nearly all dating is speed dating. The pressure group Delight 2003 is also urging the Government to clamp down and introduce draconian measures to stop what it calls “this horrific catalogue of wasted loves”.

Speed dating in its pure form involves groups of females armed with “date cards” sitting round a table. The men then prowl around the perimeter of the table, also armed with date cards. Individuals tick against the name of any person they would like to get to know better, and at the end of the evening, which is very short due to the level of embarrassment involved, persons are fixed up with one another.

“This is clearly appallingly dangerous,” said council spokesman G C Newt. “We intend to introduce two main measures. First, we will install speed cameras in the halls where this practice takes place and where statistics show there have been a number of broken hearts.

“These cameras will be painted bright black so that they are easily visible.

“We also plan to put in speed humps, to slow down the progress made by young men round the table.

“This will enable them to get a good look at the young women and avoid making a costly mistake by jamming on the brakes too soon. And vice, of course, versa.”

Mr Newt said there were also plans to protect the young women by introducing parking fines for young men who were shopping in too restricted an area. He added that the use of mobile phones would be strictly forbidden.

Asked whether those determined to speed date would simply move into smaller and more congested halls, which might be even more dangerous, Mr Newt said he thought the council would quickly adapt. It was determined to make money out of the situation. Distinguishing between documents

More clues have emerged to the exact nature of the job done by the director of organisational development at Norwich City Council. Apparently one of the things she has to do is work out which documents have to be typed properly.

This has of course necessitated a certain amount of reorganisation, developmentwise, and all the good display screen operators have been rounded up and named.

We will not name them here, because they are innocent, but we know who they are.

You might think that all documents emanating from the council should be typed properly, but this is not so.

If you want to produce a document that is fewer than 10 pages long and includes no complex graphics, you must do it yourself, even if your keyboard skills hover around the absolute minimum.

Unless, of course, accuracy is important, and in my experience this is rarely the case.

Oh, and unless the image of the council could be affected. I don't think we need worry about that.

I don't know about you, but if I worked in City Hall (as I once did, surprisingly), I would be trying hard to produce documents that were at least 10 pages long, with graphics, where accuracy was vital and the image of the council was affected.

It's known as hedging your bets. And it could explain a great deal about council documents.

Ground-breaking vegetables

A Norfolk man is pioneering a totally new kind of genetically modified crop that he claims will pose no threat to human, animal or plant life – but “could make things difficult for politicians”.

Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago, 104, has planted three fields of his ground-breaking protest peas near Erpingham. He said last night: “These are much better than those garden peas that just roll around in a seasick sort of way.

“These have got a bit of oomph. They have something to say.”

Asked what it was they had to say, he replied: “They are in the Norfolk mould. They do different. They are against all kinds of things.”

He added: “I call them Tolstoy. They are warring peas.”

Mr Houseago added that he was negotiating with a wind farm to grow his peas on a commercial basis.

“Wind farms are the coming thing,” he pointed out. “They have already been linked with baked beans, but I plan to get in quickly. I have the stomach for it.”

Look – no hands

A friend of this page who is involved in traffic surveys in Norwich city centre reports a fascinating and frightening fact: women using mobiles while “in control” of a car were observed to outnumber males almost four to one.

Most of these females are, judging by appearance, under 30. I suppose I would have been more surprised if I had not seen just such an individual the other day merrily passing a traffic light on Riverside while doing her safety belt up with one hand and holding a mobile phone to her ear with the other. Don't ask me what she was doing with her knees.

7 July 2003

on 1 July 2003 at 08:00

Behind the times on speed humps

One does not, perhaps, expect Mundesley to be in the forefront of traffic management.

But it is particularly unfortunate that, at a time when one London borough is getting rid of all 1000 of its speed humps because they are ineffectual, damage vehicles and cause pain and deaths through their effect on emergency vehicles, Mundesley is about to instal them.

There is, of course, the usual consultation going on, but because the humps come as part of a bigger package containing one or two sensible suggestions to improve safety, no-one will be surprised if they get the nod.

And this will be rather sad because, although it is Norfolk County Council's fault, it is Mundesley that will be seen as out-of-touch and unimaginative. And it is Mundesley people who will suffer.

I am quite fond of Mundesley: it is where my baby grandson caught his first glimpse of the sea, among other things. I go there quite often, but this will not continue if the council instals speed humps and a 20mph limit – the other reactionary suggestion. I hope local traders are aware that many others will feel the same.

I wonder if the people at County Hall who seem so keen on 20mph limits are aware how slow 20mph is. There are undoubtedly parts of Mundesley where 20mph, or even less, would be a sensible speed, mainly because it is well nigh impossible to go faster at those points without hitting a wall. But this most certainly does not include the vast majority of the town, which the council wants to include.

Most Norfolk drivers do not need encouraging to go slowly. They already do, partly because they feel the main function of a car is to allow you to conduct conversations with your passenger, complete with hand gestures and eye-to-eye contact. They also do not seem to want to go anywhere very much. It is as if someone has placed them in the driver's seat and they have not yet discovered what is going on.

Other suggestions for Mundesley include improving the footway – much more of this would be a better plan – and narrowing the road so that it is easier to cross. Next step is presumably to get rid of the road so that you don't have to cross it at all.

The council calls its new version of humps “less noisy”, which is hardly reassuring. All the problems found in the borough of Barnet still apply. Only one question remains. Who is making money out of installing these monstrosities?

Weaving a tangled safety web

It is time the health-and-safety people, so active for so long in areas where they serve no useful purpose, looked into greenhouses.

A correspondent informs me that she carelessly entered her greenhouse without filling in the correct forms last week. As a result she walked into a cobweb and got bitten on the scalp by a small, angry-looking spider.

I thought at first that this might have been a health-and-safety official working under cover. But there is a good chance that it was in fact a genuine spider, especially as my correspondent's husband then performed a similar foolhardy greenhouse-entry mission and got bitten on the arm, “which swelled up like a balloon for several days”.

Not to be put off, she herself re-entered the greenhouse, walked into a cobweb again and was bitten on the eyelid by a spider. Was it the same spider? Pictures are circulating, I believe. Sadly the eyelid swelled up “like a red golf ball, very itchy and unpleasant-looking”.

I am not sure which is worse – a red golf ball or a balloon – but clearly these spiders have to be stopped.

I had been planning to campaign against health-and-safety mania, since I felt it posed a health-and-safety threat in the form of people dying of boredom when the phrase was mentioned. But now I see there is a valid role for these officious officials. I urge them to tackle the nearest greenhouse immediately.

Sense at last on speed limits

I am delighted to see that at least one political party sees sense on speed limits. The Tories have promised to increase the limit on motorways to 80mph when elected – a sensible and long overdue move, as any motorway driver will know.

They have also said they will get rid of the many misnamed “safety” cameras, retaining only those at obvious black spots. One hopes that, unlike certain speed camera promoters, they will not be afraid to say what the criteria for such black spots are. One hopes also that when elected – and realistic policies towards drivers will not do them any harm – the Tories will tackle extremely silly limits on other roads, like the 50mph recently installed on the Norwich-Wroxham road. I suspect that this was done purely to stop people using it as an alternative to the Norwich-North Walsham road, where the limits are almost legendary in their stupidity.

Such unrealistic limits simply convince poor drivers that they are good and turn good drivers into poor ones. If road safety were really the priority that highways authorities claim, they might spend some money teaching people how to use junctions instead.

Lost in space: where's the point?

Possibly as a result of my piece protesting about intrusive apostrophes in road signs on the Riverside development in Norwich, someone has taken the trouble to remove them. The apostrophes, not the signs.

This is gratifying, I suppose, but it would have been nice if they could have afforded new signs, since the adjusted versions contain an odd-looking space in the middle of a word as a result. Clearly this is felt to be good enough for the locals, who presumably don't have punctuation as a top priority. Perhaps they can't see the point.

Feud for thought

Norfolk explorer Richard “Volcano” Meek, who has been dormant recently, has been pondering the implications of a possible price-cutting war between Kentucky Fried Chicken, Macdonalds, Little Chef and Burger King. Would this, he wonders, be a fast feud?