Back2sq1: June 2003
You have probably been wondering what connection there is
between great crested newts and the ever-growing threat to the
British way of life. How have coypu infiltrated every level of
government, and what is the real reason that speed cameras are
breeding at such an alarming rate? Is global warming really
caused by breathing? Can the answer to life, the universe and
everything be found in children's stories, and does poetry
have a role to play? Who is Henry (Fred) "Shrimp"
Houseago, and does it matter? The answers to almost all of
these vital questions will occasionally be found here.
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on 23 June 2003 at 08:00
Norfolk is government guinea pig
Secret documents leaked to this page reveal that Norfolk has
been chosen to pioneer a new form of government.
Hints were dropped last week when deputy prime minister John
Prescott announced that there would be no referendum on
elected regional government in East Anglia because “public
interest is so low”.
In fact the papers reveal that Norfolk will shortly be
selected to pioneer the new “direct decision” government
which New Labour hopes will catch on in the country as a
whole. It cuts out the entirely the time-consuming and
embarrassing need for local elections, as well as other
irrelevancies like planning inquiries, public consultation
and various kinds of appeals.
In the first instance this will be achieved by the expansion
of quangos, on which people who already earn lots of money
will be able to earn much more, simply by making occasional
decisions about areas they have no affinity with.
This is described as “obvious modernisation” by the
government, which will introduce targets and invent
statistics.
It is believed that the golden opportunity for Norfolk – in
which everyone can play a vital part without doing anything
at all – stemmed from the ground-breaking form of democracy
achieved in the nearby Autonomous Republic of Hingham.
This demonstrated that public consultation need not affect
anything, and was therefore pointless.
Because Hingham has since won the Le Mans 24-hour race with
its home-grown Bentley cars, this is regarded by New Labour
as vindication for the cutting-edge system of government.
Eventually it is hoped that Norfolk will be governed by one
person selected by Whitehall, and opinions will be
distributed among the population to avoid any necessity for
the development of home-grown ones that might not fit in with
the overall plan.
Asked whether such a system might not be in the spirit of
democracy, a government spokesman said: “There is very little
interest in this, which is the way we feel democracy is
going. It's all so much simpler. This way, we feel sure
that the trains will run on time.”
Humps in flying objects?
A regular reader reports a mysterious encounter with flying
objects at Long Sutton, just outside the Norfolk border.
The peace of the charming market town (he writes) was
shattered by four enormous and ponderous aircraft flying in
stately procession one behind the other. One was clearly an
AWACS radar plane, as the mushroom on top was plainly
visible. All four were flying relatively low, as if they had
recently taken off, and were heading roughly west. All were
under heavy fighter escort.
Who would need such high security on leaving Norfolk? George
Bush was back in Washington (unless he has a double, of
course). So was it Rumsfeld, Powell, Rice?
Perhaps it was Norwich City's manager on a signing
mission. Or more likely a cache of Norfolk speed humps being
moved in secret to the States as suspect weapons of mass
vehicle destruction.
Perhaps it was Charles Clarke's wallet, or the money
missing from the education budget. Or David Beckham, wanting
a close look at the Fens. The nation, I think, should be
told.
Tea ban to save planet
The revolutionary discovery that we are drinking less tea
because of global warming has inspired Norfolk veteran Henry
(Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago, 104, to launch a “no tea” campaign.
He has already ordered a carton of No-T shirts from
entrepreneur Len “Kissme” Hardy of Hindolveston and has
commissioned the School of Chess, Penguins and Road Surfacing
at the UEA to design a logo.
“I am really excited about this,” he told our reporter
yesterday. “If we could get people to stop drinking tea
altogether, we could save the planet. Especially if they put
lids on saucepans as well.
“I have a dream,” he added. “Everybody drinking good old
Norfolk water, and the planet getting colder and colder,
particularly near Brancaster.”
Blown up out of all proportion
Inspired by the news not long ago that a large inflatable
church was available for purchase or rent in areas where the
church was no longer the centre of the community, a reader
has come up with a brilliant idea to solve KLM's
overbooking problems.
She suggests that the airline, beset by complaints and
criticisms from customers, “should issue every potential
passenger with an emergency inflatable seat that could be
erected in the gangways of their planes if necessary”.
Clever. But I do have a slight worry about what might happen
to inflatable seats in a pressurised cabin. And if the
stewards could not reach the passengers with their in-flight
meals… no, on second thoughts, that wouldn't be a
problem.
However, I suspect that a blow-up church in the airport
boarding area might serve a more useful function.
Gnomes bid to cut road deaths
Concern that the widespread introduction of speed cameras has
coincided with an increase in road deaths throughout the
country has led Mrs Hicks, Mayor of Little London, near
Corpusty, to introduce what she calls a control scheme.
She said yesterday: “We are planning to put garden gnomes by
the side of the road – only at accident black spots, of
course. We shall then measure the effect on the number of
accidents over twelve months.
“Our experts expect that it will roughly match the effect of
speed cameras. Personally I believe the gnomes will do much
better and bring road deaths down again.”
Asked whether the gnomes would be carrying fishing rods or
nets, she said she was unavailable for comment. But they
would definitely not be flashing.
on 9 June 2003 at 18:17
Absurdity police would be welcome
Insiders at Norwich City Hall report deep concern there at
news from Latvia that an anti-absurdity bureau has been
formed to deal with its government's excessive
"foolishness" and bizarre behaviour.
Apparently the bureau receives about 10 complaints a day, and
there is a risk that it could catch on in other countries.
This would clearly be worrying for the consortium of great
crested newts and coypu that now form a majority in the
running of the city council in our own fair county, following
a general haemorrhaging of edgy and confused staff.
Conflict is looming at present over the mind-bogglingly
complex Green Travel plan – already mentioned here – which
intends radical change to the arrangements for employees who
need to be mobile to do their jobs.
Their trade union, Unison, has rejected the dogma-haunted
plan, raising the spectre of industrial action and disruption
to Norwich services.
The reaction has been swift and draconian. The director of
organisational development – apparently an actual job – has
offered some "Advice to Employees" which includes
the odd demand that employees notify the "Staff
Christmas Parking Mailbox" if they intend to take
industrial action.
Presumably in the spirit of Christmas, the advice continues
with notification of possible pay deductions, suspensions,
disciplinary action and – even worse – car parking fines.
Employees will clearly be encouraged by this turn of events.
It seems that the worsening atmosphere at City Hall over the
last two or three years, reported by a mole to stem from an
emphasis on cash-saving instead of service delivery, is not
due for improvement any time soon.
I suspect that an anti-absurdity initiative could change all
that.
We uncover people saved by cameras
Following meticulous research conducted by this page, we can
reveal that we are now in possession of a list of the 46
people described by Norfolk speed camera supremo Bryan
Edwards as "still walking around Norfolk, going about
their lives that could have been killed in accidents" in
the absence of cameras.
Naturally we would not want to embarrass these people by
naming them here, but we can reveal that 17 of them,
astonishingly, live in the Autonomous Republic of Hingham,
and the rest of them within 70 miles of it. Some of them are
so grateful to the speed cameras that saved their lives that
they are having private ones erected in their gardens.
We hope this research will reassure those people who feel
that the cameras are used purely to raise money and snare
vandals. At the same time we feel that Mr Edwards'
warning that such vandals "could end up with a life
sentence" is unduly lenient: castration is surely the
more civilised option.
With any luck our findings will also pre-empt recent evidence
from a Government-sponsored study that much cheaper
electronic warning signs are more effective at speed
reduction than cameras. This is clearly irrelevant, since
they do not raise money.
We can also reveal more ground-breaking discoveries
concerning accidents on the Broads. Apparently speed is a
factor in more than 90 per cent of these, and plans are afoot
to erect cameras at black spots. Scientists are also
investigating how to install humps, or "waves"
(Water Arcs Versus Excess Speed), in the major rivers.
Whales: the folk memory
Explorer Richard "Volcano" Meek, whose
revolutionary theories concerning Norfolk's dead whales
were published here first, tells me that he has had some
further ideas about the phenomenon.
He now believes that the whales dropping from the sky in
times past may have caused the pingos that are so prevalent
in the Watton area. There may also be a remote chance that
falling whales wiped out the dinosaurs, thought this will not
be certain until the BBC broadcasts a series on it called
Walking under Whales.
Astutely, Mr Meek points out that our phrase "raining
cats and dogs" is clearly a folk memory of these events.
Unaware of anger?
My comments a month ago on the abandon with which KLM
overbooks seats in its planes brought numerous replies from
people similarly affected – one from as far afield as
Nairobi.
It would be strange if the airline was unaware of the anger
it causes, and of how long that anger lingers in people's
minds. Its attempts to justify the practice are the opposite
of reassuring.
One of its staff told me in Amsterdam: "We can never
guarantee that you'll get a seat." Clearly it's
unreasonable to assume that they could. After all, we've
only paid for it. In full. In advance.
Yes, it is available
Apologies to those one or two people who attempted to
purchase my poetry book, Mist and Fire, from Prospect House
in Norwich. It is not available there, but can be purchased
direct from me.
Write c/o the EDP, and your letter will be passed on – or
simply e-mail me. The price of the book is £4.50, but since
readers of this page are totally trustworthy, I am happy to
supply a copy on approval.
Don’t look now
Thousands of people were shocked beyond measure by news from
the British Medical Association last week that most hospital
accident and emergency departments met a Government target
while they were being monitored, but not before or after.
Astonishingly, special arrangements had been made to meet the
targets during monitoring – including cancelling routine
operations, bringing in temporary staff or enforcing double
shifts for doctors and nurses.
I am sorry to say that I was not at all surprised. It is,
after all, simply an extension of the general principle –
true down to the behaviour of the tiniest particles – that
observing something makes it behave differently.
The Government, sadly, does not know this. We should probably
tell it.