22 December 2003

on 22 December 2003 at 08:00

Opportunity for irony goes begging

The backlash to the Government’s recent revelation that it had pushed too hard on speed cameras was really quite funny.

In fact I can think of only one thing that would have been funnier: a police car colliding harmlessly with a speed camera behind Brake chief executive Mary Williams as she pontificated on breakfast television and attacked organisations that promote road safety. Unfortunately, a perfect opportunity for irony was missed.

Of course Brake itself is funny, in a peculiar sort of way: any so-called safety organisation that names itself after the most risky manoeuvre a driver performs has got to have a sense of humour.

But road accidents are far from funny; so why was Ms Williams attacking road safety organisations? Well, she calls them fringe groups, presumably because they take the Anatole France line on road safety. (M France pointed out astutely that if fifty million said a foolish thing, it was still a foolish thing.)

Ms Williams, like so many others, prefers to trot out statistics that have been proved quite wrong but remain popular with people who don’t have the imagination to tackle road safety properly.

The different road safety organisations are beginning to look a bit like religions, which is bad news, because religions – although normally well motivated – tend not to get together.

At the moment what I would call the suicide bomb approach is in the ascendancy. These are people who misdiagnose the cause of the problem, take a perverse view of the outcome and delight in punishing innocent people.

They advocate looking at the speedometer instead of watching out for hazards; they like to distract drivers; and they believe that it is a good idea to place obstacles in the road.

They also delight in placing corrupt beliefs in the minds of their victims: for instance, the notion that if you dawdle, you are safe; and the idea that it doesn’t matter if you hit people as long as you do it really slowly; and the doctrine that if you travel at 20mph long enough, you will be surrounded by beautiful and compliant road safety equipment for eternity.

Meanwhile any attempt to find the real cause of accidents is sabotaged by a form of holy writ: the police have been told specifically to put down speed as a cause whenever remotely possible. I personally find this shocking, but apparently it is routine. So it is in the end no more surprising that road deaths should continue to rise than it is that they should fall in the areas around speed cameras. Speed cameras tend to be placed where accidents have happened. Since accidents are random events, they are not likely to happen in the same place all the time: a high will be followed by a low.

The true picture is the nationwide one, and it is getting worse since the introduction of speed cameras – and the promotion of the speed scapegoat as our national animal of choice.

Shocking lapse by Pondhenge

Following the disturbing news that the University of East Anglia has fallen short of its target number of students from working class backgrounds comes an even more shocking revelation from North Norfolk.

The New University of Pondhenge (formerly the rather more euphonious Pondhenge Polytechnic) announced last night that it has totally failed to attract as undergraduates any students whose parents are bus drivers.

Professor Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago said yesterday: “It is true. I can hardly express how ashamed we are of this abject failure. How we can survive as a university without the input of bus-driving families is impossible to contemplate.

“It is absolutely vital for the future of Norfolk and this country as a whole that children of bus drivers get into university, and Pondhenge in particular.

“If we cannot do better than this, we shall of course close down.”

A Government spokesman said funding and public transport generally would be withdrawn from Pondhenge if targets were not met. This would mean the end of the ground-breaking MA in creative goose-handling, which is unique in the United Kingdom. Prof Houseago is 104.

Fears that traffic may use new road

Widespread panic that the proposed new distributor road north of Norwich might attract traffic is concerning county planners.

“We never thought of that,” said chief deputy assistant acting road designer Len “Kissme” Hardy, who lives in Hindolveston. “We had been assuming that the road would remain empty, which would of course be ideal.”

Alerted by this road-traffic convergence horror, the county council is looking at some of its other policies, and is now worried that new housing planned for the county may be occupied by people. “It’s a terrifying thought,” said Mr Hardy, “though of course not in my area.”

There are further fears that improved waste collection could lead to people putting out rubbish; sea defences might hold back the sea in some places; and opening shops may lead to people buying things. A think-tank has been created to spot other frightening and unexpected scenarios.

Sandringham landslide worry

My position as president of the West Norfolk Mountain Rescue Team could prove unexpectedly arduous.

A correspondent with inside knowledge warns me to expect “a positive landslide of mountains trying to infiltrate Sandringham on the basis that one of them might receive the Royal Warrant”.

I had of course anticipated having to deal only with mountains wanting to be rescued because they had strayed into West Norfolk by mistake – something that happens quite rarely. The prospect of mountains entering the area deliberately is frightening. I can only warn them of the dangers they might be facing; the agony that would undoubtedly be suffered by their families, especially small hills, if something went wrong; and the huge burden they would be placing on the National Health Service in the event of an accident.

Meanwhile I am on the alert, relatively speaking.

8 December 2003

on 8 December 2003 at 08:00

Speed cameras not widely approved

It was ironic that the first person charged with trying to destroy a speed camera in this country was locked up on the same day that the Government acknowledged that it had gone too far in promoting the so-called road safety device.

As a result the more intelligent police forces have announced that they will be cutting back on cameras, and placing them at black spots only. At the same time a poll was published which showed that 84 per cent of motorists thought they were treated unfairly by the Government: hefty majorities felt that speed cameras did not reduce the number of accidents, that there were too many cameras and (a whopping 71 per cent) that they were there primarily to raise revenue. This did not deter a spokesman from Norfolk’s speed camera promotion partnership, commenting on the trial, from saying he was convinced that a majority of the public were in favour of cameras. He may not have known about the poll, but he certainly knew that 12 out of the 18 permanent roadside cameras in Norfolk had been attacked in the last two years, because he said so. This is hardly evidence of overwhelming approval from the public, given that only a minute percentage of disapproving drivers would go as far as to break the law in that way. More than 700 cameras have been destroyed nationwide.

In fact the emphasis on speed as a big factor in accidents is both mistaken and lazy, as has been shown on this page before – which may be why speed limits are so popular in Suffolk. Excess speed happens, and is dangerous, but the really huge factor behind most accidents, as we all know deep down, is inattention. And that’s why curbing the use of mobile phones by drivers is a great idea. But why stop there? The insides of most cars are full of distraction opportunities. Leaving passengers aside, there are cassette and CD players, radios, air-conditioning controls, cigar-lighters and other assorted peripheral switches.

I am not suggesting that we make them all illegal – except for the passengers, obviously – but drivers need to be aware of the risk they take every time they look away from the road. By lulling them into a false sense of security through suggesting that they can do almost anything as long as they are driving within the speed limit, we are inviting more accidents. And the figures show that’s exactly what has happened.

A reader tells me of a recent incident in which a top-of-the-range BMW filtered into his lane from a slip road “at all of 40mph” – at least 20mph below the prevailing speed of the traffic. He continued: “I had to pull out sharply and overtake – and guess what the driver was doing?”

Not speeding, certainly.

Summit of my career

I was overwhelmed – and, of course, rather humbled – last week to have a signal honour bestowed upon me.

I am now president of the West Norfolk Mountain Rescue Team.

Chairman Mr D Everett, of Snettisham, informed me of the decision shortly after the position was declined by Professor V A R Scheinlich of Hingham. I did not feel in the least slighted to be second choice to such a distinguished citizen, especially as the job included a free team shirt, which I shall of course wear at every opportunity.

According to Mr Everett, Prof Scheinlich declined the offer of the presidency because he was working on a book on the motorways of Norfolk. Other positions within the WNMRT remain vacant: secretary, treasurer and events organiser, for instance. I am particularly glad to take up this post because – contrary to popular opinion – I do feel that there is a big risk to any mountain that strays into West Norfolk. It might simply sink into the Fens, or lose heart in Brancaster. There is no telling what might happen to it in the Sandringham area.

Our organisation will be vigilant in watching for all such events and will not hesitate to do our utmost to rescue any mountain at risk in the wilds of West Norfolk.

Stagecoach scandal

Following concern expressed on this page about the absence of stagecoaches from Christmas cards this year, I received a letter from a concerned South Norfolk man, who described it as “a scandal, and the result of the Government attempting to move our transport system into a century not yet ready to receive it”.

David Williams of Winfarthing (for it was he) wrote: “With Anglia Railways operating an increasingly restricted service, the revival of the stagecoach service between Norwich and London should be looked at seriously.

“As far as I know, the wrong sort of snow can usually be negotiated by a coach and four, making the whole idea seem an attractive proposition. Leaves on the road are no great problem either.”

He adds: “Fortunately the leading community magazine in South Norfolk, nay the whole of Norfolk, has been persuaded to open its ancient archives to a curious public and reveal that all is not lost and the Christmas coach and four can in fact ride again.”

Mr Williams, who is editor of Cock Crow, was kind enough to send stunning pictures of stagecoaches to us. Unfortunately we have been unable to publish them for technical reasons (wrong kind of ink). Curious readers should contact him.

Helpful measures

Metric tonnes are a bit hard for most of us to envisage; so Norfolk County Council has given us a helpful guide in its helpful magazine for all residents. Instead of 13,000 tonnes of salt being stockpiled for use on the county’s roads this winter, we are invited to see this as 1625 killer whales. In similar vein, each gritter will be sent out carrying 12 polar bears – or to be more precise, their weight in salt (not gold).

These violent metaphors may be designed to keep us alert, but we need to be careful where we are going. A helpful reader suggests that we could end up with our whole weights and measures system being rewritten – a bag of sugar could be a large cat, and a sack of coal could be a coypu. I quite like the idea.

Spanking school

Having been a little concerned for the future of some Norfolk schools, which seem to be running the risk of being derailed through PFI, I was overjoyed to read that a school at which my mother taught back in the 1930s has had its Victorian buildings replaced. Rackheath Primary, near Norwich, is now, in the words of the head teacher reported in the village news organ, “a brand new spanking school”.

I understand that the head back in the 30s was not backward in the use of the cane, but no doubt spanking is more in the spirit of the 21st century. I am sure it will go from success to success.