27 October 2003

on 27 October 2003 at 08:00

Search for symbol of the east

The challenge to create something “really special” to inspire a sense of pride and unity in the East of England will be exercising some of the world’s most creative minds over the coming months.

They are hoping to come up with something as striking as the Angel of the North or the London Eye, but which will be immediately identified with this part of the country.

I understand that a giant Speed Camera Promotion vehicle has already been ruled out, and a scheme to dig a series of enormous holes filled with water and linked into the river system has been described as vandalism of the environment and so is clearly a non-starter.

A piece of installation art depicting coastline crumbling into the sea is in the running, but the clear favourite is inspired by a discovery made outside the region – at Whitley Bay. This is the remains of a six-foot-long carnivorous amphibian with a wide row of teeth and a walking style “like a giant newt”.

Artist Annette Karenina, of Gorleston, said yesterday: “A sculpture of this massive newt in a prominent position would symbolise East Anglia’s fight against the expansionist ambitions of great crested newts. A good spot for it would be off the A11 at Wymondham – the site originally suggested for the discarded speed camera vehicle.”

Other suggested sites include County Hall or City Hall in Norwich, in both of which the newt culture has made impressive inroads; the promenade at Great Yarmouth, where the giant sculpture would be quickly destroyed in a meaningful event filmed for posterity; and Pondhenge in North Norfolk, where it would dwarf the famous Pondhenge goose. Local residents and bird power activists are already up in arms there about what they call artistic bullying.

A site in the centre of Knapton, where villagers have been complaining about sewage leaking on to the street, has been rejected on the grounds that North Norfolk District Council would simply deny it was there. This could hit tourism.

New theory on South Norfolk villages

While staying with a cousin in Burston, near Diss, Prof V A R Scheinlich has been momentarily distracted from the time distortion anomalies that have made the Autonomous Republic of Hingham famous.

But he has been seduced by another unusual phenomenon – the strange cluster of present participles masquerading as villages in the Burston area.

“I was intrigued by Shimpling, Gissing and Winfarthing,” he said. “They seemed a bit too good to be true.”

Following lengthy investigations, he has established almost beyond doubt that they are not place names at all, but descriptions of local activities. “As those activities were never entirely clear, historians were confused, and the name for the activities became attached to collections of houses,” he said. “Some people think that people built houses in the neighbourhood to try to find out what was going on. Most of them never did so – a common problem in Norfolk. But I believe I have worked this one out.”

The professor, who is also famous for his only slightly successful knot theory – the theory of almost everything – said he was now certain that to shimple meant to behave in a coy way; to giss originally meant to be extremely demanding of passers by; and to winfarthe was to give way to someone whose proper place was before you. This idea has been since taken over by Formula 1, where it is known as “team orders”.

He believed that in view of its history, Gissing would be an ideal place to trial congestion charging, but Norfolk County Council has so far resisted the idea, in a shimpling kind of way. Prof Scheinlich will return to Hingham soon.

Telephone book cash-in plan

Following the incredible success of BT’s new Norfolk phone book distribution plan, where people just outside Norwich are deprived of all the Norwich numbers, another top local company is planning to cash in on the idea.

Houseago Inc of Erpingham will publish a series of carefully targeted local directories. Sales manager Len “Kissme” Hardy said yesterday: “We were really impressed by BT’s idea of non-duplication. I mean it’s so obviously in the customer’s interest that you don’t print a telephone number more than once. People might find it all over the place.

“What we are going to do is issue the people of Trowse with directories to Trowse and parts of Dereham only. If that goes well, we will press on with directories for Spixworth and Fakenham; South Lopham and King’s Lynn; and Hemsby and Thetford.”

Mr Hardy, who comes from Hindolveston but is living in South London for the winter, is optimistic. Market research shows we are on to a winner,” he said. “And if people do complain, we’ll give them another directory free as a goodwill gesture. “Just for this year, though. It’s a long-term money-spinner. Don’t print that. I didn’t say that.”

Mr Hardy is ex-directory.

Happy solution at Whynge

After complaints from house-buyers that they do not want to live in areas infested by road humps and 20mph limits, the recently discovered Norfolk village of Whynge has come up with a solution.

Whynge emerged from the sea during a temporary drop in sea levels and is now often on the coast. Parish council spokesman A D “Happy” Manhire said the village was intending to demolish all road humps and remove speed limits, since they were clearly anti-social.

He added: “We are now twinned with Barnet in North London, which is getting rid of all of its humps in order to save lives. Research carried out by the UEA’s School of Penguins, Chess and Road Surfacing has also found that speed limits are fixed by people with no expertise whatsoever.

“We want people to be relaxed and happy. Please come and live here.”

He admitted there was a slight risk of the village disappearing into the sea again, but said he planned to install cameras to prevent it.

Little otter

I am told that the wild otter recently referred to here has given birth to a little otter. This is believed by many to be an irrefutable indication that global warming is getting a grip.

13 October 2003

on 13 October 2003 at 08:00

East-west physics challenge to new road

Travelling from east to west, as we all know, is not natural. The laws of physics prevent us building a decent road or railway track across the country.

Anyway, I assume that is the reason. It may have something to do with ley lines, wormholes or magnetism. Or perhaps the Government simply “does not do” lateral thinking: the evidence is there in the illogical refusal to dual the A47, which is about as east-west as you can get.

It is therefore amazing that the county council is even considering a northern distributor road for Norwich which, despite its name, would run east-west.

The successful southern bypass has elements of east-west about it, but it really goes south and then north, which is why it got built so quickly. The northern routes on offer are much more obviously east-west – or, in certain lights, west-east, which is not much better.

The suggestion that any road at all should be built is quite unexpected from the county council, which plonks cars firmly at the bottom of its list of transport priorities. No doubt if we had gangs of terrorists, poisonous snakes and grizzly bears roaming Costessey, they would get priority over evil things like automobiles. Never mind that for many elderly and ill people, cars are the only possible method of transport.

And it still gets blamed by the usual suspects for favouring cars, despite all the evidence to the contrary. For instance, it has already been accused of ignoring or playing down ecological and environmental costs of a northern road, although its list of the seven possible routes (or part-routes) includes 25 possible effects,18 of which are environmentally negative.

And it is still dithering about whether any such road should be dual carriageway, when it is blindingly obvious that it should, for a hundred different reasons. Anyone considering building a single-carriageway major road anywhere should be taken out and shot. Slowly.

The environmental benefits of a road taking traffic out of residential areas to the north of the city are huge. The odd beetle may get affected by a compulsory purchase order, but for human beings it will be a massive relief.

Of course, there is little relief from the deviousness of statistic-compilers. Number two on the council’s list of questions asks: Do you support education, encouragement and enforcement measures? Only one answer is possible; so if you are all in favour of education and encouragement, you have to vote for “greater enforcement of speeding laws” as well. I always wondered where they found all those motorists who were supposed to be in favour of speed cameras. Suddenly the whole cunning plot becomes transparent.

Fisher girl clue to land shifts

Concern rages almost unabated about the possible transfer of land out of Norfolk, following my rather radical suggestion that some of it had been used to form the Scottish Highlands.

A new back-up theory centres on the Scottish fisher girls who used to come down to Yarmouth to smoke herring, which in those days was a Class A drug. It has since been decriminalised, and the practice faded out, but not before the girls – possibly suffering from hallucinations, and desperate to escape – smuggled home large quantities of Norfolk earth in their pockets.

This subtle theft baffled Norfolk police, who did not get much further than suspecting that the thieves had gone to ground. An appeal for them to give themselves up was unsuccessful.

Despite the obvious attraction of this theory, which has already received funding from the Government, there are other ideas. Reader Howard Jones, for example, believes that it is the Dutch who are sneaking bits of our fair county away. Their motive? They need to raise their land mass by a good few metres to avert the possibility of flooding through rising sea levels.

He writes: “The recent grounding by the Trinity House ship Patricia is proof enough. The crew of this trusty vessel, while surveying our coast to ensure that all was in its rightful place, were put in perilous danger because the sandbank they were looking for had shifted further than they expected – or perhaps had been moved.”

This is clearly worrying, and may be a sign that various other countries have identified Norfolk as an easy touch for land-grabbing. I would urge readers to be alert to any dents or holes, however slight, opening up in their vicinity.

I would further urge the European Union to set up an Equal Land Commission to ensure that no unfair expansion of territory is going on under cover of darkness.

Wild otters don't like pepper

It would be easy to take too lightly the wild otter at Earsham referred to on this page recently. A friend tells me that otters can be quite savage. On a recent excursion into the wilds of Canada to see grizzly bears in their native habitat, she asked the guide if it had ever been necessary to pepper-spray a grizzly in self-defence. She was told: “Never, but it was once necessary to subdue an otter in that way.”

Walkers in the border area near Bungay will not sleep easy in their tents.

Newt on heels of librarian

As I have always had a soft spot for libraries, I am delighted to hear that the latest action hero figure to be released in America is a librarian. She is modelled on an actual Seattle librarian, is made of hard plastic and moves her finger to her lips in what is described as a “shushing” action, which should see off most evil villains without any trouble.

Norfolk’s answer to this is to be revealed later this month by Houseago Inc, of Erpingham: it is a great crested newt made of extremely fragile plastic and easily destroyed.

“We feel it should appeal to most children,” said managing director Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago, 104. “And of course it will boost our campaign to exterminate newts, who are gradually taking over government in this country.”