6 January 2003

on 6 January 2003 at 08:00

Roadworks odd enough to be art

Plans were announced just before Christmas to erect a giant stainless-steel latticed tunnel on a major trunk route in the East Midlands.

The tunnel – called Sky Vault – was the winning idea in a competition to create a landmark. It can now be revealed that Norfolk almost took the honours.

Close second, I understand, came the ‘roadworks’ sculpture on the Magdalen Street flyover in Norwich, which judges praised as an innovative piece of work designed to withstand years of attack from the elements.

The “inspiring” post-modern barriers were described by one judge as parodying an overgrown country lane, with an added feature: they give the exciting impression that something is about to happen.

The fact that nothing does happen was described by a second judge as brilliantly symbolic, and by a third, dissenting judge as “a blasted nuisance, not in the least original”.

However, the judges’ report praised the “almost surreal” way in which the barriers were placed.

A spokesman said it looked almost deliberate, and this is what swayed the judges.

But the sculpture, though it combined the almost essential qualities of intricacy and incoherence, lost out to the Sky Vault “because you couldn’t see through it”.

Other runners-up – also, strangely, from Norwich – were the Grapes Hill roundabout, with its “ingenious disruption facility and baroque ornamentation”, and the Riverside Retail Park.

Riverside apparently impressed the judges through one highly innovative element: an invisible footbridge. “The judges liked the way attention was distracted from this by placing another almost totally pointless but quite visible footbridge about a couple of hundred yards away,” said the spokesman.

The judges felt Riverside “stunningly creates chaos out of order, like an infectious organism – blocked arteries, a touch of cancer, frequent fever and a general feeling of despair that mirrors post-Christmas sales, Sunday shopping in general and the war against terrorism in particular”.

It also received a special disintegrated transport prize.

Just stop before you get angry

Winterton, on the east coast of Norfolk, is a strange magnet in the depth of winter. Maybe it’s the name, but more likely it’s the lovely dune and valley walks which draw crowds of Boxing Day and New Year’s Day post-revellers.

I managed it on both days this year, strolling down during a gap in the downpours towards Hemsby, where the beauty and relative cleanliness of a small wilderness gradually become more and more polluted by litter and abandoned metal.

The trick is to turn round before you get too angry.

Not that Winterton is perfect: the car park warns that it will lock you in if you are not back by 4pm – which means you more or less have to park untidily on the verge of the narrow road; and of course the toilets are shut. Well, no-one said it would be easy.

Just when Hingham thought it was safe

Complaints have been flooding in following my retirement last week, which the EDP had tried unsuccessfully to keep quiet.

Anger has centred on the shocking news that – despite all hopes to the contrary – this page will continue to be published, at least for a while.

Local expert Professor V A R Scheinlich wrote: “We had hoped that all this nonsense about Hingham would end.

“It is not true about the Scout Hut, and we are trying to hush up the space-time distortions.” Len ‘Kissme’ Hardy said: “Everything he wrote about me was a lie. I am actually an estate agent.”

A consortium of great crested newts has issued a press release denying any attempt to take over the county and demanding that the editor bans any reference to them, or to coypu.

He has agreed to this.

Norfolk legend Henry (Fred) ‘Shrimp’ Houseago, 103, was unavailable for comment.

He said: “It’s a bit of a disappointment.” In their own words

I could hardly venture into a new year without marking it in some way. This year no predictions, except that the fanatical will be regarded as moderate, and the moderate as fanatical. But here are a few quotes to mull over as you inch into the future:

To decide to view yourself as a complete stranger, someone who has just stepped ashore in your life, is a liberating experience. John O’Donohue

The source of fear is in the future, and a person freed of the future has nothing to fear. Milan Kundera

The best lack all conviction, while the worst Are full of passionate intensity. W B Yeats

My priority is to get people out of cars and on to public transport. LibDem leader Charles Kennedy

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. Mark Twain

Driving at high speeds results in better concentration and awareness . . . Many accidents in Britain, unmentioned in the statistics, are from drivers falling asleep, bored at the wheel. John Watson

Speed cameras have their limitations . . . but when these matters can be overcome they will be a sure winner for raising revenue. Metropolitan Police magazine

Measure what is important; don’t make important what you can measure. Robert McNamara

Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity. Martin Luther King

Every cloud has...

Fears of accelerated global soaking were voiced last night by Professor Ian ‘Sam’ Aufmerksam, of the School of Penguins, Chess and Road Surfacing at the University of East Anglia.

“We have done huge amounts of research into this,” he said, “and our climate models tell us that by the year 2100 the entire world will be six feet under water. This is good for us, because it means we can get more grants and employ extra people.”

Prof Aufmerksam is helping police with their inquiries.