20 May 2002

on 20 May 2002 at 08:00

New threat to scientific orthodoxy

Right, settle down. Today’s lesson is taken from the Kyoto Protocol, Unrevised Standard Version, verses 1997 to 1999: “Thou shalt not question any statement made by your governments, or by scientists funded by them.

“Thou shalt not presume to doubt the motives of those who carve the party line in tablets of stone. Thou wouldst do better not to think at all. “These are the words, and the words are in the beginning, and the middle and the end.

“Thou shalt not anger those who know much better than thou, nor question any statistic published by them. Thou shalt bow down to computer models, however vague, and cast out data that do not fit. Thou shalt allow only the holy words to be printed, or thou shalt be taken to the Press Complaints Commission, trodden underfoot and mocked and despised. Amen.”

That is the word of the Odd. Let’s now move on to sing joyfully Hymn 2000: Transports of Delight. Please stand at the bus stop and turn down the heating.

“Praise to the diesel buses who fume along our way; we’ll always stand and praise them, come what may. E’en though we die of freezing, or cancer from their smoke, we’ll back them to the hilt because a car is just a joke.

“We’ll cast aside car drivers and hurl them in the mire; we’ll cover them with calming humps and push the tarmac higher. Pedestrian and cyclist are better than the rest; discussion is forbidden, for we know best.”

Please sit down, or kneel if you prefer.

Dearly beloved, we are faced with yet another challenge to orthodoxy. All around us, people are thinking for themselves and challenging scientific belief.

Some have even gone so far as to claim that there may be a God, or even worse, that evolution cannot be proved. This must not be allowed, any more than we can allow suggestions that speed is any way not fatal. Speed cameras and other sacred objects must be honoured and protected at all costs. I need hardly say that it is quite permissible to use any tactics to protect them and to bring down fire and brimstone on the motorist’s head.

Brethren, I am sad to say that some even doubt the second warming. We know that warming will come again, globally, and that it is the motorist’s fault. We will excommunicate all who stand by their cars, or who fail to condemn the use of fossil fuels. Their love of idling is appalling. They will not be allowed to enter the holy place.

And now, as friends of this earth, let us offer each other a sign of greenish peace. But first a brief prayer. Hands together, eyes tight shut.

Society on the verge of disintegration

Amid all the angst last week about a mother being jailed for failing to ensure that her children attended a school, a couple of connections seemed to go unmade.

The most obvious one was contained in these two reported statements: teachers were banned from smacking children in the 1980s; and classroom discipline has collapsed over the last 20 years.

Now muddle-headed groups like the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children – and many others – want to stop parents smacking. Presumably the aim this time is a total breakdown of society as we know it.

And just to save some of you the trouble of writing, no – I am not in favour of beating, caning, whipping, stabbing, garrotting, actual bodily harm or tactical nuclear devices in the home. Apologies if you can’t tell the difference.

Fears as peace-keepers leave

Alarming reports from North Norfolk indicate that the United Nations has withdrawn its peace-keeping force from North Walsham. The clearly marked UN vehicle standing at the south entrance to the town – so long a symbol of an uneasy truce – has been removed, and commentators are concerned that fighting may soon break out again.

Local militia groups bent on autonomy have been quiet recently, but rumours suggest that there could soon be an influx of angry young men from surrounding villages such as Meeting Hill, Swafield, Westwick and Spa Common.

Little London militants have been contacting other Little Londons across the county, and the mayor of one of them, Mrs Hicks, has been seen yet again fomenting discontent in North Walsham, well known as a trouble spot in the inhospitable terrain that contains so many hiding places, like Bacton.

Len “Kissme” Hardy, an expert on wilderness areas, comets and some pies, has told reporters that the UN must return immediately if disaster is to be averted.

“This is a fragile peace at best,” he said. “Don’t blame me if things go pear-shaped.”

Quantum leap in mystery of intermittent cat

An explanation for the mysterious appearances of a big cat in remote spots throughout Norfolk has been offered by a Hingham expert.

Professor V A R Scheinlich said that he had examined various theories, including the possibility of temporal displacement, but had been driven to the conclusion that the cat concerned was in fact Schrödinger’s cat.

The most recent sighting of the cat was at Mileham in the mysterious central Norfolk triangle formed by Dereham, Swaffham and Fakenham, where many travellers have simply vanished. But Prof Scheinlich, who is renowned for his diagnosis of the Hingham wormhole effect, feels this is a red herring.

He says it is almost certain that the famous quantum mechanical cat created by physicist Erwin Schrödinger in the 1920s has escaped from its box and is out of control, flitting in and out of existence without warning.

“This is not like that incident in Cheshire, where a cat disappeared and left a smile behind,” he said. “This is the real thing. Or the unreal thing, depending on which way you look at it.”

He warned people not to approach the cat, which could easily collapse, jump or move into a parallel universe, which would not be helpful.

Asked whether the cat was alive or dead, he replied: “Yes, probably.”

6 May 2002

on 6 May 2002 at 08:00

Big game is interrupted by tragedy

Here we are at a delightful spot just off the A140 to watch another exciting game of Road Crash Poker. The two teams are at the table and – hang on a minute, I think that’s another accident outside: car 0, heavy goods vehicle 3. A nasty home loss, there.

Back to the poker. This could be a very close match, because both teams have a similar amount of ammunition, and it’s all live.

They’ve started! The Dogmatists have been dealt some very powerful cards. They have several newspaper headlines, all with the word speed in them, and an impressive selection of statistics, one or two of them genuine.

The team captain has opened the betting with a couple of statements from the Transport Research Laboratory. Out of context, but that doesn’t matter: no one has seen the originals, and it’s looking very good – hang on again, another crash three miles up the road involving a bus, a tractor and a small owl.

No news yet of that score; extra time in progress. Now the Challengers have seen those statements from the Transport Research Laboratory and have raised a different one. Well, we’ve seen that one before, but somehow it always comes as a surprise. Courageous betting there. This could go either way.

Aha! The Dogmatists have gone for a big raise: backing from three environmental groups, 743 parish councillors, 98 cyclists, 29 tame journalists and a dog. That could clinch it. Wait! Yes, that’s another fatality, two cars colliding at a junction. That’s 2-2, and it’s gone to penalties.

The Challengers have thrown in support from the Association of British Drivers, and a whole barrel full of common sense, which should be worth something. They’ve called. Apparently someone is holding a dead man’s hand. Well, that means a showdown. All cards on the table. And we’ll see the result after this news of another disaster: a shunt involving seven vehicles and a sheep. No score yet.

Yes, the Dogmatists have won easily. It is indeed a full car – I mean house: aces and eights.

They win the mammoth prize of 17 speed cameras, as many road humps as they can carry and all the money that would otherwise have been spent on road improvements: that’s about £15.

If you survive, join us again for another thrilling game of Road Crash Poker. Goodnight. We have you on film.

Mass trespass by ducks

Worrying times in South Norfolk, where a mass trespass by ducks has been taking place, presumably to commemorate the mass trespass by ramblers on Kinder Scout almost exactly 70 years ago.

The ducks, claiming a right to roam, invaded a first school near Harleston, defying attempts by teachers to protect the children and workmen who are on site constructing a new classroom – or nest, as the ducks prefer to call it.

The head teacher at Alburgh, who prefers to remain anonymous, said the ducks were on neither the National Curriculum nor the menu and therefore had no place in a school. As a temporary measure, they were allowing the birds to take part in lessons but a watch had been placed outside in case Ofsted inspectors got wind of it.

Teachers were expecting the ducks to do well in upcoming SATs tests, although some wondered if they might quack.

Fears were expressed last night by Norfolk legend Henry (Fred) ‘Shrimp’ Houseago, 103, that this was “just the tip of the iceberg”. Following the ducks’ breakthrough, he fully expected great crested newts to follow, possibly disguised as Norfolk Property Services.

Slack lines no problem for cut-off communities

One day, not long ago, a man in darkest Mid-Norfolk looked out of his window and saw an engineer looking at the telephone lines near his house. When asked, the engineer said he was “making sure the lines aren’t slack”.

Later that day, the man’s phone went dead, and he found the telephone line lying across the corner of a field. It was not slack. It was broken. He reported the fault, and two days later someone wrapped the broken line round a pole, which was obviously reassuring.

Five days after that, he rang the complaints department of the company, who said the pole would have to be replaced, and traffic lights were necessary to do it. They did not say why, but they did say that for traffic lights they would need planning permission.

Next day the man was told the fault would be rectified that afternoon.

Three uneventful days later the complaints department, when consulted, said that an engineer would visit the site to see what had to be done.

When I last heard, the man had been without a phone for 11 days, losing a great deal of trade, many private calls and his grip on reality. At one point during the 11 days, his calls were transferred to his mobile phone.

This lasted for a day until callers got a message saying the number was “not registered for this service”. The man says this message was delivered in a “snooty” voice, and I have no reason to disbelieve him.

For myself, I am quite happy for any phone lines near me to remain slack. Thank you for asking.

Cheaper Fakenham move

Following the hugely successful closure of the ancient court at Fakenham to save money and inconvenience as many people as possible, it has been decided to make further economy measures.

Norwich Diocese has decided to close all churches in mid-Norfolk and require churchgoers to attend a cathedral in Norwich, Ely or Peterborough. All village halls will also be shut down, with meetings, dances and bingo being transferred to buildings in Norwich or Lynn. Shops, described as an antiquated system, will also be closed, with potential shoppers transferred to strategically placed supermarkets.

“It really is terribly irritating, having people in the Fakenham area,” said a spokesman. “We’re doing our best to sort it out.”

The bus will continue to run.

Potholes: the answer

Widespread concern was expressed last week about the huge number of potholes in our roads, with a backlog that it will cost billions of pounds to tackle. Such potholes are, of course, extremely dangerous. Happily, I think I can offer a solution.

Many of our roads are covered with humps, which highway authorities have somehow found the time and money to install despite being unable to keep up with road repairs.

Such humps are also extremely dangerous, particularly to motor cyclists and cyclists, but also to car drivers and pedestrians. The answer is obvious: dismantle the humps and fill in the potholes with them.

Two dangers eliminated at a stroke. I am sure the resulting reduction in casualty rates – and personal injury claims – would be very satisfying for councillors, and indeed for all of us.