21 October 2002

on 21 October 2002 at 08:00

Teachers on a mission find they're suspended

In a bid to spend some of the huge amount of money that flows into an Education Action Zone, someone hit on the brilliant idea of sending a consignment of Yarmouth head-teachers and teachers to Vancouver for 10 days.

To those unfamiliar with the geography of Canada, this is further away than Kathmandu, Nepal; so it should have been far enough. But the plan failed: they came back.

Sorry – that was totally unfair. The plan was not that they should fall in love with Vancouver (an easy thing to do) and miss the plane back. The plan was to provide plenty of sightseeing as a kind of antidote to working in Yarmouth. I think.

The highlight of this, I understand, was the famous and hairy Capilano suspension bridge, which was intended to reproduce in the teachers the feeling of standing in front of a class of children, but with the added attraction of being able to throw yourself off.

Surprisingly, everyone resisted this temptation.

Happily the teachers were also able to fit in visits to some British Columbian schools, which I believe are far more advanced than ours.

For instance, they do not have Ofsted inspections and are not plagued with the obligation to produce a written policy on everything from literacy to washing up.

There was also the opportunity to observe a revolutionary and highly successful teaching tool that involves developing pupils’ thinking skills.

This has been pioneered in Canada, but is also being used successfully elsewhere.

The group could have gone to Australia, for instance. Perhaps they will.

And there’s another place where it’s already been trialled with outstanding results. Let me see, now.

Where would that be? Oh, yes. It’s Norfolk – just down the road from Yarmouth.

I look forward to seeing the effect of the Canadian experience on Yarmouth schools, but I suspect that a distant look in headteachers’ eyes will be the most easily observable outcome.

So many campaigns . . . so many jobs at stake

Amid all the spin that assails us, we sometimes miss the vested interest that certain groups have in keeping us restricted, frightened and confused.

The Norfolk Casualty Reduction Partnership – fondly known in certain quarters as the Speed Camera Promotion Partnership – likes to remind us that it does not keep the many fines generated from its activities. What it usually forgets to mention is that if it did not convince the Government that speed cameras were necessary, it would simply disappear, along with its rather nice offices in Dencora House, its salaries and its vehicles.

Similarly, the thousands of climatologists funded by governments throughout the world to warn us about global warming would be off looking for new jobs if they were to conclude that the climate is cyclical and mainly influenced by the sun, and that there is practically nothing we can do about it anyway.

The brigades of bureaucrats who infest our government departments and local councils would likewise be dumped if red tape were abolished and paperwork made as simple as it could be.

And the many highly paid PR persons now employed by practically every public utility would be redundant if the people in positions of responsibility would simply answer the phone and tell the truth.

So don’t expect anything to make life easier. No one’s going to make money out of that.

New remembered hills

The hills of Norfolk are clearly striking a chord with readers. One points out that I have neglected to mention Saham Hills, which rise spectacularly north of Watton. These have their own mountain rescue team, advertised on stickers in car windows in the area (or maybe in one car window which moves about a lot).

Another points out that Alburgh, near the Suffolk border, is the highest point in Norfolk, which rather surprised me. No doubt she was referring to Holbrook Hill, the nearby summit, which I intend to climb one day.

Hills expert Richard “Volcano” Meek was unavailable for comment last night.

Sevens 'not natural'

Religious groups have complained about the plan by Len “Kissme” Hardy of Hindolveston to produce a wide range of food and drink packaged in sevens, like seven-slice loaves and seven-bottle cases of wine.

His scheme, based on a nationwide plan to produce eggs in boxes of seven to ensure that people eat one a day, has come under attack from an ecumenical cell led by Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago, 103, a curate and druid, who described it as “unnatural and newt-like”.

He added: “We should be having a day of rest each week. It’s the natural order of things. It’s bad enough shops opening on Sundays, so that you can’t tell one day from another.

“We can do without things coming at us in sevens. If you work in sevens, you never stop. And you’ve only got to look at people to see the effect it’s having on them.”

Mr Houseago has called for a ban on anything produced by Mr Hardy and a return to normal human behaviour.

Disappearing chickens mystery

I was impressed to read that the Ditchingham roundabout chickens (pronounced chicanes) have been wandering in the road just outside Bungay for about half a century. They are therefore probably the first example in the world of successful traffic calming.

It is not surprising that the local council does not like this, since it is well know that councillors prefer things that do not work, so that they can replace them with other things that do not work, like road humps. And it is certainly suspicious, as a correspondent points out, that the chickens are suddenly disappearing after the council’s legal bid to remove them had failed.

Some blame men in vans looking to make a profit on the birds, but I suspect fowl play by the authorities. Others would go further, suggesting that the Black Dog of Bungay, which was removed for refurbishment not long ago, has been set loose among the chickens as a health and safety measure.

Mr G Went, of Bungay, has called for the dog to be returned to its lamp standard without delay.

7 October 2002

on 7 October 2002 at 08:00

Bus sets new record for UEA crawl

Regular readers will know of my keenness to use public transport whenever possible, even if I am not going anywhere.

So it is a disappointment when it falls short – not just by the merest margin, but by a gulf stretching into oblivion.

A couple of Mondays ago I arrived in good weather at what is now known as Norwich rail station, just before 8.30am, to catch the Number 25 bus to the university. This service runs every 10 minutes.

Twenty minutes later a bus rolled nonchalantly up, and eventually it left with me in it. The traffic was light, and even though the bus dithered on Castle Meadow, it arrived in St Stephen’s just before 9am, at which point the driver turned off the engine and walked away.

We sat for 15 minutes (remember, this is a 10-minute service) before another driver put in an appearance. It took him a further five minutes to load the large queue that had accumulated, and we pulled out of St Stephen’s just after 9.20.

It had taken me 50 minutes to travel about a mile from my house to Chapelfield Road. In a car, in the same conditions, it would have taken about three minutes.

The rest of the journey was uneventful, if that is what you call cramming the bus to the rafters with students and leaving an unhappy residue at the side of the road. We got to the university shortly before 9.40.

This may have been an unusual day, but not if the unconcerned demeanour of the drivers was anything to go by.

In any case, that is not the point. To be a viable alternative to the car, public transport has to be both convenient and reliable. It is no good doing a journey in 20 minutes one day if it is going to take well over an hour the next.

It is very easy to blame congestion, but on this occasion there was none.

Only a couple of days later I was stuck on a chilly platform at Ipswich Station waiting for a train that was three-quarters of an hour late. Most of my train journeys have been unmarred by delays, but just one experience like this is enough to create second thoughts.

Meanwhile the ritual abuse and pointless obstruction of motorists continues. Putting a bit of effort into making public transport a viable alternative might be a more effective method. Unfortunately too many people see being unpleasant to motorists as an end in itself.

Missing hill mystery blamed on East Anglian drift

Another mystery is being examined by noted explorer Richard “Volcano” Meek, who is building up something of a reputation as an expert on Norfolk hills.

His latest investigations surround Morton on the Hill, a spot on the Norwich-Fakenham road that is notable for being particularly flat.

Mr Meek suspects that this “hill” may have been another victim of the last eruption of Mount Beeston, which he has demonstrated convincingly to be a dormant volcano linked to the death of the Runton elephant.

However, an old map that he has uncovered does throw some doubt on this theory.

Dated 1574, it describes Morton as Su Permont – a clear indication that it was in fairly recent times a hill of significant proportions.

This seems to put paid to two other theories – that the hill was demolished by the same meteorite that put paid to the dinosaurs, the remains of which can be found parking very close by; or that the village was originally on the Rill, namely the River Wensum.

Not entirely happy with any of this, Mr Meek is currently examining the suggestion that East Anglian drift (something like continental drift, only slower) is to blame, and the hill will eventually be found lurking somewhere nearby, like Attlebridge.

Rumours of Hardy affair

Inspired by a nationwide marketing scheme to produce seven-holed egg boxes – so that consumers can eat an egg every day of the week – a wholefood chef from Hindolveston is planning to produce a range of easy-to-use food.

Len "Kissme" Hardy has set up a company to take advantage of new research showing that people are incapable of buying more than one box of eggs a week and can’t count anyway.

“We shall be creating loaves with seven slices, bunches of grapes containing seven grapes, cases of wine holding seven bottles and cheese sliced into seven bite-size chunks,” he said. “And that’s just a start. There is obviously a huge gap in the market.

“People want to live their lives in easy stages, and the week is the obvious choice.”

He denied a rumour that soon-to-be-published diaries written by Dorothea Goodchild, 104, would name him as her secret lover. Ms Goodchild vanished two years ago.

Shape-changing hope

Strange behaviour in the Rackheath area, where a correspondent tells me the B1140 has been changing shape.

Apparently workmen (or possibly workpersons) spent several weeks building a mini-roundabout and altering the road to stop vehicles driving in a straight line – a practice known to be dangerous.

Then, out of the blue, the roundabout disappeared overnight, and the road straightened itself.

My correspondent blames unnatural forces, or perhaps a perfectly natural wormhole spilling over from the Autonomous Republic of Hingham and distorting space and time.

Either way, this is a phenomenon that could prove useful. Perhaps it could be adapted to dispose of speed humps – or, as another innovator has suggested, inserting a lot more speed humps until roads become totally flat again, but slightly higher.

This would obviously be good for road safety, because you could see further. New technique will protect householders

Following renewed fears of flooding in Norfolk, contractors Houseago & Hicks of Erpingham, who specialise in building new homes on flood plains, have come up with a revolutionary plan to protect householders.

Spokesman Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago, 103, said last night: “We are intending to use sandbags to build our houses in future.

“I’m amazed no one has thought of it before. Everyone uses sandbags to keep out water. Why not get the sandbags in place from the outset?”

Asked whether there would be any further use for bricks, Mr Houseago said these could be stockpiled for use in severe flooding. “People could build walls round their houses for added protection,” he said.