31 December 2001

on 31 December 2001 at 08:00

Questions that have no answer

As a change from my usual festive quiz, I have put together a special New Year series of questions that have no answers at all. This is because, sadly, I have not been able to discover the answers, and if readers can help me, I would be grateful.

The basic question is why? The last question, in the spirit of the New Year, is more of a suggestion.

1)Why are so few people employed picking up litter? It is a fairly easy job, satisfying and one which I am sure taxpayers would put higher on their list of priorities than, say, parking attendants.

2)Why is one of the two main doors at Norwich rail station always broken? One side was shut for months; suddenly it was open, and the other one was inaccessible. Is it the wrong kind of hinge, or leaves in the lock?

3)Why do supermarkets place screw-topped light bulbs next to bayonet-topped ones, when nobody that I know uses screw-topped ones, and thousands of people buy the wrong ones by mistake because they didn’t know there was any other sort?

4)Why does my computer tell me that it is “writing unsaved data to disk” when I attempt to switch it off? If I wanted to write data to disk, I would have saved it. Is this something to do with the Data Protection Act?

5)Why does an organisation set up to promote the widespread use of speed cameras call itself the Norfolk Casualty Reduction Partnership? Why not the Speed Camera Promotion Partnership, or is that a little bit too honest?

6)Why does it take so long to complete road works? Does it have something to do with cone storage?

7)Why bother with window envelopes? By the time you have positioned the address so that it shows through the window, you will have creased the letter out of recognition and put it in the wrong way round twice.

8)Why are some town or village road signs absolutely huge, and some small and discreet? Does it reflect the ego of the parish council?

9)Why can’t anyone – the Strategic Rail Authority, for instance – accept that not changing something is often the best idea?

10)Why don’t pedestrians use cycle paths? After all, cyclists ride on the pavement, and cycle paths are almost always empty.

Time-wasting of fairly early man

I am not sure exactly how staggered I was to be told that people may have arrived in Norfolk up to 200,000 years earlier than was believed.

Clearly, it would have been earlier if there had been a decent bus service, but I was probably more staggered to be informed that early man, astonishingly, experienced warm summers and cold winters.

Artefacts unearthed on the coast reveal that the most popular job at the time was warning of global warming or, alternatively, an Ice Age, and there were periodic pleas for people to stop using flint axes in order to preserve the environment. This theory is backed up by the extraordinary number of flint axes found periodically, and by the remains of computer models in operation at the time.

Obviously, if early humans arrived in Britain 700,000 years ago instead of 500,000, as was formerly believed by some people, it raises profound questions, such as why there was such a delay in setting up a usable transport infrastructure and a second footbridge over the Wensum, not to mention dualling of the Acle Straight.

Early man was unavailable for comment late last night.

Car-free day every week not such a bad idea

Sometimes, when I walk through Norwich city centre, I think how nice it would be if we could abolish motor vehicles. Then I recover, and after a while I feel better.

A question, however, lingers on. If we are so keen on making the motorist extinct, why don't we have a day a week when the city centre is kept clear of cars? A day when we can wander where we will and enjoy the unpolluted atmosphere of our fine and ancient city.

Nice idea? Well, let’s do it. We could call it Sunday.

Funnily enough, Sunday used to be fairly car-free in the city until we switched from worshipping God to worshipping shopping instead. Now we go hurtling around seven days a week in the hope that somehow, somewhere, we will stumble on satisfaction.

Off and on, we might realise that a day of rest is actually quite a good idea, but no sooner do we suspect this than the politicians and the businessmen persuade us that we have to go on buying.

So we are lured into this race to nowhere – nowhere in this case being a 24-hour-a-day, seven-day-a-week city. If we wonder what it will look like we have only to glance at Prince of Wales Road, described recently as a powder keg and the most dangerous street in the county. It may not yet be seven-day, but it is close to 24 hours a day at the weekends – and as close to soulless as makes no difference.

A day off from all this is not something to be discarded lightly.

Relief as 'lost' buses turn up somewhere

Last time I was astonished that a reported one in 10 buses in Norfolk failed to reach its destination, and wondered what happened to them. Happily, things are not as bad as I feared. In fact what should have been reported is that the destination board on one in 10 buses shows the wrong destination – which may not be totally reassuring, but at least they’re somewhere, despite what many passengers say.

Pondhenge Pantomime

Problems arose at the Pondhenge Pantomime when Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago, who was passing, said he had discovered a frog that could turn into a prince at will, and they could have it for a firkin of ale.

Len “Kissme” Hardy, who was playing the fairy in the unexplained absence of Dorothea Goodchild - and who is renowned for believing almost anything - put on his wellingtons to extract the frog from a Pondhenge tributary, which was flooded because of global warming the previous Thursday.

However, after depositing the frog on stage, he forgot to take his boots off, and a last-minute attempt to iron his fairy dress also proved counter-productive when he was hauled on stage for the rehearsal.

He was being lowered on to the stage, in full view of the local primary school, when he realised he had a wand in one hand and an iron in the other. Someone yelled “Behind you!”, and the primary school shouted back “Oh yes he does”, because that was what they had learned. At which point Len began to have doubts about the whole thing...

17 December 2001

on 17 December 2001 at 08:00

Are conductors the way back for buses?

Let’s leave aside for a moment the unlikely council assertion that 57 buses an hour go on or near the Riverside complex in Norwich. Readers of a mathematical bent may wish to stand in a strategic spot and check it for themselves, once they have defined “near”.

The more important question is: what can we do about buses generally, given the amazing statistic that one in 10 of them in this neck of the woods fails to reach its correct destination?

Beside this, the fact that one in five is late pales into insignificance.

Where do all these buses end up? Surely they can’t all break down and strand their passengers by the side of the road? Do they all go through Hingham? Is there a bus graveyard in the heart of Norfolk?

Huge numbers of passengers write to this paper complaining about buses turning up late, not turning up at all, breaking down or vanishing into the mist. Despite heroic efforts from many drivers (though not all), our bus service is little short of pathetic, for all sorts of pathetic reasons.

So why don’t we follow Ken Livingstone’s example?

Ken, you may remember, is Mayor of London, just outside Norfolk. There are lots of buses in London, and there is a certain amount of congestion too, I believe. Ken’s strategy in the face of this “envisages a significant increase in the number of central London buses with conductors by the end of 2004”.

Conductors? How would they help?

The most obvious gain is speed. When a driver takes the fare, buses can remain at a stop for two to three minutes, compared with a few seconds if there is a conductor. In a situation where stationary buses in St Stephen’s – and elsewhere – can cause blockage of the through lane and almost permanent congestion, this must be worth thinking about. Ken lists the advantages: * Faster journey times; * Easier fare-paying for passengers; * Improved safety; * Information available when you need it.

All this might go a little way towards tempting back lost or disoriented bus passengers. As usual, it is a return to something unwisely discarded in the past, like trams and branch lines. So it would almost certainly work.

Phone breakthrough

This year’s most innovative Christmas present is the immobile phone – a new kind of phone that can not only be carried around with you but has an exciting new feature: you don’t have to be moving to use it.

The problem with previous mobile phones is that it has proved impossible for users to stand still. As soon as they are connected, they are forced to walk up and down, often pretending to do something else very important at the same time.

Occasionally they will feel compelled to jump into a car and drive round while the call lasts.

This obviously causes problems, not so much for the phone user as for anyone who happens to get in the way.

The pressure group Confront (Come Off Network, Fathead, Ready or Not), set up to deal with the problem, recommends standing in front of the mobile phone user, unless the phone user happens to be driving, when it is inadvisable.

The immobile phone will change all this, enabling the user to stand still and talk, thus causing minimum inconvenience. Unfortunately supplies are low, and thieves are targeting them.

A spokesman at a local stockist said: “We have absolutely none left. They’ve walked.”

Fear of bears in Costessey

Dramatic changes in our surroundings are predicted for the middle of the century if certain climate changes take place. According to computer models set up by the UEA’s School of Penguins, Chess and Road Surfacing, the climate of the United Kingdom could cool by as much as 2C in the next 50 years.

If that happens, polar bears and penguins will be familiar sites in the remoter parts of Norfolk, like Costessey, and killer whales will take over sections of the Wensum. “We are expecting thousands of deaths from frostbite if the temperature falls by as little as 1C,” said report compiler Professor Ian “Sam” Aufmerksam.

Asked if this forecast was a little on the pessimistic side, Prof Aufmerksam said: “Computer models can be tricky. Climate is a chaotic system and is really quite unpredictable. However, we are totally confident and have issued a warning to freezer manufacturers.

“In any case if we are totally wrong, in 50 years’ time no one will remember. It’s a great line of work to be in.”

Pupils are quite right about apostrophes

Not long ago the EDP printed a letter from pupils at Thorpe House School in Norwich, standing up for the correct use of the apostrophe. They were brave – some would say foolhardy – enough to add three examples of correct usage.

Needless to say this provoked letters to the editor suggesting they were in error, and that Mrs Burns’ computer should in fact be Mrs Burns’s computer.

I am proud to stand foursquare with the pupils here. Mrs Burns’ computer is quite correct, as is Jesus’ disciple and Mr Jones’ bayonet. I would in fact like to use Mr Jones’ bayonet on certain people, but being Jesus’ disciple, I can’t.

Furriners must larn Norfolk, say Houseago

A radical plan to bar anyone from Norfolk who does not adopt its language and customs has been adopted by New Layby, the county’s government-in-waiting.

“We are being overrun by furriners,” said New Layby spokesperson and druid Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago, a long-time campaigner for Norfolk values.

“If yew want to come to Norfolk fer the best part of some time, do yew hev to learn the language,” he said.

“If yew can’t tell a dwile from a bishy-barney-bee, or if yew pingle on the strand, we will simply fye yew out.

“Cor, blarst me!” he argued.

“Them furriners’re all on the huh. They just talk squit.”

He added that it was in everyone’s interests that we all spoke the same language, because it promoted understanding and was a good defence against incursions by great crested newts and other amphibians.

New Layby leader Len “Kissme” Hardy, of Hindolveston, was unavailable for comment. “He’s out troshin at Swaffham – all fer nothin,” said Mr Houseago.

New Layby, who attracted a record number of votes in the recent Tuttington and Brampton by-elections, will be insisting that everyone entering Norfolk reads and memorises a copy of The Merry Mawkin, newsletter of the Friends of Norfolk Dialect (Fond).

Asked if this might not cause hold-ups on the A11, Mr Houseago said: “Yes, it might not. But that would be a darn sight wuss if we raised the old drawbridge.”

New Layby is also campaigning for more places to park safely.

3 December 2001

on 3 December 2001 at 08:00

UN bid to sort out hotspot in town

Several people have pointed out that the United Nations has a presence in North Walsham.

A UN vehicle, which is presumably engaged in peace-keeping activities, is parked in a garage on the Norwich road.

While not widely known as a hotbed of unrest, North Walsham is, I am told, seething under the surface.

This may mean that Seething is correspondingly north walsham deep down, but this is a moot point. However, rumours of feuds between local warlords such as the Houseagos and the Hicks are accelerating. Veteran campaigner Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago agreed yesterday that there “had been incidents”, but his aunt, Mrs Hicks of nearby Erpingham, refused to comment.

Mrs Hicks spends much of her time in Little London, near Corpusty, where she is said to be mayor, but witnesses have placed her at North Walsham on several occasions.

Another Little London is situated on the Bacton side of North Walsham, and it is feared that Mrs Hicks may be launching a takeover bid. A spokesman said that all Little Londoners should be united, and everyone else thrown out. Mr Houseago, who is well used to repulsing expansionist plans – mainly from great crested newts – said he would stand firm.

Meanwhile great crested newts, backed up by Austrian cave salamanders, are believed to be lying low in a protected enclave adjacent to the A11, where dualling work is under way. Fencing has been erected for their own safety, but also to protect nearby residents from possible expansion. No one from the United Nations was available for comment.

Mysterious movements on Riverside

I hope readers were able to catch city councillor Eamonn Burgess’ fairly helpful letter to the EDP last week, in which he explains the new Riverside complex and the Novi Sad Friendship Bridge.

However, he may not have quite got to grips with the nature of the problem I outlined last time.

Clearly I know that Riverside contains something other than huge retail warehouses, and that these smaller places are accessible fairly easily on foot. This, I am happy to agree, is a Good Thing.

I am also aware that another bridge will be built much closer to the city centre. This too is a Good Thing and makes sense.

What is less clear is why it remains unbuilt, when it would link a part of the site that is already fully functioning with a spot quite close to the city centre. The current delightfully proportioned bridge links a muddy and unkempt part of Riverside (at present) to the end of Rouen Road. Mr Burgess, interestingly, regards that as the city centre.

To say Riverside is on the ring road is a trifle misleading. A small part of it stands adjacent to the ring road but is not accessible from it by car. The rest of it is accessible by vehicle at one point only on the inner link road.

The result is obvious: even more congestion, together with pollution. Lovely.

As to the 50 buses he sees going on or near the site every hour, he will have to forgive a hollow laugh. Only one bus route goes on to the complex as far as I know, and his definition of “near” must be as bizarre as his definition of “city centre” or “hour”.

But since buses would bring even more pollution and congestion, this is probably just as well. On a point of detail, I did not, as Mr Burgess states, “wonder why the council doesn’t put a bus station on site”.

What I do wonder is why a bus station was not an integral part of the site from the outset. Blaming the Tories because they are now back in control of the county council is not so much thin as transparent. Since Jasper – sorry, Eamonn – is such a busy man I completely understand his getting my first name totally wrong throughout his letter (it was kindly corrected by the sub-editor).

Quite unimportant in itself, but it is a little disturbing that someone so used to dealing with planning matters should be so imprecise about something in large print immediately in front of him.

Bid to track down missing Church land

News that the Church of England has in the course of the last 100 years mislaid about 1.5 million acres of its land, worth up to £10 billion, has shocked some people.

Whole food chef Len “Kissme” Hardy, of Hindolveston, has already put together a working party to look for it and was last seen heading south towards the mysterious area known as The Saints, where he feels almost certain that some of the land may have ended up.

I’m not worried. A vicar I know describes the Church of England affectionately as a joke, and it is a good joke indeed if it has been surreptitiously preaching the Gospel all along, and not guarding its worldly wealth at all.

Slow mud hazard resurfaces

I am sorry to have to report the return of an old hazard to life on the roads of Norfolk and Suffolk. Slow mud has been sighted near the border, and reader Paul Garton of Wingfield is understandably concerned, especially as the sighting – usefully signposted – was only 20 miles south-east of the Autonomous Republic of Hingham.

Prof V A R Scheinlich, a Hingham-based expert in all supernormal activity, says there may be some connection with the “enormous” traffic reported in Norwich during the run-up to Christmas.

He feels that larger than normal traffic may be evolving naturally in order to deal with the mud menace more easily. Of course, being enormous, it could hit things coming the other way. In that case the fittest traffic would no doubt survive