1 February 2008
Last chance to party with life as we know it
A farewell party was held last night to mark two things: the withdrawal of financial support for UK ground–based facilities for solar–terrestrial physics – the area of astronomy concerned with our planet's connection to the sun – and the final appearance of this page in the EDP after more than 11 years.
The party was held at the School of Penguins, Chess and Road Surfacing at the University of East Anglia. Professor Ian “Sam” Aufmerksam said it was sad to see the end of something so important and critical to the future of the country, but his research indicated that he could probably get another job somewhere.
Prof Aufmerksam is known for explaining why there is so much slow–moving traffic on the A146, though no–one can remember the reason.
His colleague Professor V A R Scheinlich, usually based in the Autonomous Republic of Hingham, was concerned that his ground–breaking work on wormholes and time–space distortion would be hit, though he was not sure when or where.
He was glad the Hingham tradition of neo–democracy was being continued by Norwich City Council, whose public consultation on varying permit parking charges for cars of different lengths (52 per cent against, 35 per cent in favour) showed that “most people weren’t actually bothered” and the scheme would go ahead. He felt this kind of democracy was set for a long run, and Hingham would always be remembered, possibly in the future.
Guest of honour was Norfolk legend Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago, 108, who has led a lengthy and surprisingly ineffective campaign against the expansion plans of great crested newts, who have successfully infiltrated many government departments, local councils and non–governmental organisations, leading to vast increases in paperwork and dehumanising processes, as well as targets.
He was accompanied surprisingly by his former fiancée Dorothea Goodchild, who had been believed dead for some years. She said she felt “reinvigorated”, although this was denied by wholefood chef and comet–chaser Len “Kissme” Hardy of Hindolveston, who said he had been “barged into” by the Rev Nicholas Reppscumbastwick, a radical cleric and protest organiser.
Mrs Hicks, Erpingham–based mayor of Little London, near Corpusty, said she was delighted to have been invited, though she was not entirely clear what was going on. She suspected that the withdrawal of funding was a device to prevent connections between the sun and the earth’s climate being established, but could see no link with 11 years of “meandering trivialities and bizarre opinions which were of no interest to her electorate”. However, the wine was good.
“Harmless” Nelson, of the Empty Quarter, agreed, but could not remember why he was there, or indeed anywhere.
A representative of La Fédération Poohstix d’Europe said it was the end of an era, and it would be a long time before the Olympic sport of throwing pieces of wood off bridges attracted such publicity again. He was pessimistic about its inclusion in the London Games, though many excellent bridges were in the immediate vicinity. He added that he had seen a coypu in the Lower Common Room, although it might have been an Austrian cave salamander.
After a superb speech by Richard “Volcano” Meek, the well–known local explorer, most people moved on to an after–party event held at Whynge, a new town which emerged a few years ago from the North Sea and is now sometimes on the coast. A few stragglers, including the Wymondham duck, took a wrong turning and ended up at nearby Pondhenge, where they drowned their sorrows.
A newspaper columnist, who said he was hoping to retain his position as president of the West Norfolk Mountain Rescue Team, added that he had enjoyed writing the page and thanked almost everyone who had responded to what he had written over the years. The page had appeared in the first tabloid edition of the EDP and had survived “an unexpectedly long time”.
Masochists would still be able to find it archived on www.back2sq1.co.uk, where future commentary articles might also be posted, if he could be bothered.
Robins see off coaches
My Cardwatch correspondent, who has recently relocated to Sheringham, informs me that he failed to track down a single “coach and horses in snow” on last year’s Christmas cards.
It is sad to record the apparent demise of a species like this. Concerned readers may or may not be relieved to hear that the coach and horses appears to have been replaced by a ubiquitous robin.
I suspect that the lack of coaches may have something to do with carbon footprints, first left by “Good” King Wenceslas in the deep and allegedly even snow of the Little Ice Age.
Pig of a year
Last year was a bad one for teddy bears. To protect pigs from a similar fate, I suggest that any teacher aiming to ply his or her primary trade in Europe should be made aware that in France it is illegal to name a pig Napoleon.