12 February 2008
Laga law comments welcomed in North Norfolk
The Archbishop of Canterbury, the Prime Minister, the Queen, the Chief Rabbi, the Pope and some druids have suggested that laga law will soon have to be accepted in this country.
Their comments have been welcomed by the Rev Nick Reppscumbastwick, a radical North Norfolk cleric to whom as many as a couple of dozen activists are sometimes loyal.
He said: "We are not in the business of throwing up barriers. In fact laga law, which is followed religiously by many of our young people, specifically states that barriers must be torn down - and thrown into either hedgerows, shop windows or the nearest river.
"Some of us may be disturbed by the frequent and very loud calls to prayer involved in laga law, particularly after the nightclubs close, but I think this should remind of us of our need to call out to God."
He added that although some people found the mutilations prescribed for certain offences a little radical - such as glassing someone who looked at a woman in the wrong way - they were easy to understand, and the lesson was quickly assimilated if the victim survived.
He personally found the sport-centred ceremonies extremely moving in an almost spiritual way, and thought the Church of England could learn from them. "If only Anglicans could attract crowds like that," he said.
He expected laga law to be assimilated into English common law very soon. "It will hardly affect our way of life at all," he promised.
Lies, damn lies, tits and statistics
The annual survey to discover how many birds visit our gardens may not be all that accurate, in view of the spotting ability of those who fill them in.
My five-year-old grandson's version is likely to be more accurate than most, because he was closely supervised. On the other hand, do I really know the difference between a hedge sparrow, a dunnock and a female chaffinch - and if so, why?
A few days after we had dutifully filled in the form, our garden was invaded by half a dozen long-tailed tits, which had not dropped by at all during the form-filling, perhaps because they knew it was happening. So much for statistics.
Speaking of tits - sorry, I mean statistics - one reader of the Eastern Daily Press is on constant standby with an armful of them to attack anyone who suggests that road humps may not be a good thing, or that speeding is not the cause of every evil on earth.
But even if you accept that government statistics are accurate and in no way reflect the Government's prejudices and policies, he has tripped himself up. Replying to Malcolm Heymer's observation that "in the sorts of roads that humps are installed accidents are rare", he trots out statistics on the number of accidents in built-up areas.
Of course "the sorts of roads that humps are installed in" is in no way synonymous with "built-up areas". Is he bluffing, or does he really not know this? And does the EDP not know this?
It's all right, they're only motorists
We are all too familiar with council chiefs apologising for snarling up traffic. The most graphic example occurred when the Elveden traffic lights were installed on the A11 and someone set them to give priority to the minor road crossing it.
This caused such a huge snarl-up that you would expect someone to lose his job over it, but so little are the needs of motorists regarded that I suspect it was seen as a bit of a joke.
This week some work had to be done on the traffic lights at the junction of the Trowse bypass and the ring road in Norwich - one of the busiest entry points to the city.
I say "had to be done", but according to the EDP, it was to reset the lights to give pedestrians more time to cross. I use this road regularly, and I have never seen a pedestrian attempting to cross there. But of course it could happen, so let's hold everyone up in case it does.
Anyway, the first step was to cone off a lane unnecessarily. I suspect this happens because the councils in Norfolk have overstocked with cones and have to get them out now and again. Have you noticed how quickly lanes are closed on dual carriageways? If we can fix things that go wrong on a single carriageway without closing it, why do we automatically start closing lanes on a dual carriageway?
The other amusing thing about this incident (if you weren't caught up in the mess) was that council chiefs seem to think that there is less traffic in school holidays. There may be less in the rush hour, when council chiefs are on the road, but there is much more during the day, as carloads of families pile into the city in a vain attempt to find something to do to fill the time.
But of course the key to it all is that councils don't care about drivers. All their strategies and plans start by making life easier for pedestrians, cyclists and public transport. Cars are just in the way and can be inconvenienced in whatever way they like. One day someone will spot that most voters are motorists and devise a policy that includes them. As a pedestrian, cyclist and bus and train user, I'd vote for whoever that was. Wouldn't you?