31 December 2007
'Harmless' Nelson, the great campaigner
One of Norfolk’s most distinguished explorers, Richard “Volcano” Meek, has asked me to settle an argument between him and a good friend, who disagree over the significance and dedication of the Nelson statue in Great Yarmouth.
He tells me: “She thinks it’s that sailor in Trafalgar Square who did something very brave and clever like saving us from the Armada, whereas I tend to think it’s dedicated to that even bigger star, Willie Nelson, whose CDs are so readily available along Regent Road and whom so many of Yarmouth's citizens feel moved to emulate in attire.”
I am afraid they are both wide of the mark. I feel fairly sure the dedication in question is to Willie (Horatio) “Harmless” Nelson, the well known wherryman and bittern-hunter. He still lives, as far as anyone knows, in a cottage or sub-station in the Empty Quarter, south-east of Halvergate.
He is a determined campaigner against all kinds of wind farms, which he calls "shamefully subsidised concrete, and a betrayal of humanity”. He is also against the European Union, especially France and Spain.
Mirror, mirror
One of the big success stories of 2007 was the achievement of perpetual motion by a Norwich chess player. He managed it not through moving his king backwards and forwards but by the use of a mirror – well, several mirrors, as it turned out.
Keen to purchase a glass that would fit perfectly into a certain spot in his home, he visited a well-known home improvement emporium, where he saw just what he wanted. Unfortunately he couldn’t take it away: he had to order it. It would come from Taiwan.
And eventually it did. It was packed carefully in cardboard, and as you might expect, when it arrived it was broken.
The chess player contacted the call centre, which was up north, and not in India. They were very helpful and ordered him a replacement mirror. It came from Taiwan, wrapped in cardboard, and when it arrived it was broken.
He got back to the call centre, who were sympathetic and ordered him another one. In due course it arrived, wrapped in cardboard. It was broken.
The chess player pointed out to the call centre that this was happening – not surprisingly, since cardboard is poor protection for a long, thin mirror. They grappled with the problem - and ordered another one. This time he had to go up to the shop to collect it. I don’t know why, but he asked for it to be unwrapped before he took it away. It was broken.
This sort of thing is known to chess players as a series of blunders, but there is no sign of it ending. Why should it? The call centre don’t sell mirrors, so they’re not bothered. Taiwan presumably keep getting paid for new mirrors, so they’re not bothered. The parcel depot does what parcel depots do.
Time for a little reflection, I think. Or a new year resolution.
Deadly phrase, and there's a reason for it
My exhausting survey of most annoying phrases of the year has come up with a deadly top three:
1. There’s a reason for it 2. We’re making real progress 3. The status quo is not an option.
Why are these phrases so annoying? In the second and third cases because they’re hardly ever true. “Real progress” may be defined as “nothing visible to the naked eye” and the status quo is always an option, because it’s worked up to now, often quite well, and as Daniel Webster said: “A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many bad measures.”
“There’s a reason for it” however wins the Worst Phrase of 2007 Award because it’s a little more subtle: yes, there is always a reason for it. But that doesn’t mean it’s a good reason, and where the phrase is used by a politician, you can be fairly sure the reason is not what they’d like you to think it is.
Arts organisation fails to win marathon
I must declare an interest. The best theatrical experience I’ve had this year was Under Milk Wood, put on by the Oxfordshire Touring Company at Bergh Apton Village Hall under the sponsorship of Creative Arts East. It was stunning, and packed out.
Nearly five years ago I became involved in a poetry and visual arts touring exhibition, also put on by Creative Arts East. This very successful enterprise (there were other similar ones) eventually led the poets and artists involved to form InPrint, a collaborative group that is still going strong.
So I am hardly objective when I say that axing Creative Arts East’s funding is a short-sighted move that is bound to hurt the Norfolk villages where it has opened so many high-quality artistic doors.
How is this linked to the London Olympics? Maybe not at all, but when money is taken away from successful groups, you can’t help wondering where it’s going. And if there’s something massive on the horizon that eats money…
Unconditional giving: there's a season for it
At the end of the gift-giving season comes the thank-you season.
One woman wrote to a national paper saying that if she was thanked by e-mail, the offending e-mailer would get no more presents from her. She wanted proper letters.
Shame on her. The right attitude to gift-giving is to expect nothing in return. Giving is only giving if it is free of any strings - and that includes checking to see if your tastefully chosen ornament has pride of place on its recipient’s mantelpiece, or that your grand-daughter is wearing the delightful but old-fashioned dress you chose for her.
Thank-yous don’t work if they are demanded on pain of punishment or deprivation. They should be as freely offered as the gifts themselves. One of the problems with this post-Christian society is that we’re always trying to balance the books. We won’t give unless we receive. Fortunately, God is not like that. Heaven help us if he was.
Road safety expert will be sadly missed
Most missed in 2008: road safety expert and campaigner Paul Smith, who did so much to challenge received wisdom and those with axes to grind, and who died this month at the tragically early age of 52.
Final comment: "British road safety was the best in the world. Now it is institutionally incompetent at the highest level."