21 May 2007
Problems with perforations may soon be over
Latest reports indicate that counting votes in the local elections is nearing completion at Whynge, the Norfolk new town that appeared from the sea following a temporary fall in water levels and is now often on the coast.
Whynge has been pioneering cutting edge technology to ensure speed and accuracy and has reacted strongly to suggestions that the parish council count is taking too long.
“We feel sure that everything will be sorted out within three weeks,” said special consultant Len (Kissme) Hardy, of Hindolveston. “We had a few problems with perforations, but obviously that couldn’t have been foreseen. And there were software problems, plus some incompetence.”
Asked if the 300 laptops brought in to facilitate the count were a bit over the top when there were only 200 votes cast, Mr Hardy said that it was better to be safe than sorry, generally speaking. If everyone had gone to the polls, there could have been up to 275 votes cast, which would have been a different kettle of fish. Asked how long that would have taken, Mr Hardy declined to comment in view of the “unknowables” involved.
He agreed that it would have been quicker to count the votes by hand, using primary school pupils, but said speed was not everything. He had high hopes that the technology employed at Whynge would be used in the next General Election. “Gordon Brown is very interested,” he enthused. “And the Scots love it.”
The seven candidates backing a bypass for Whynge have accused the parish council of deliberately delaying the result of the count.
“That’s preposterous,” said Mr Hardy. “A bit of congestion is quite normal. They should get on their bikes.” Amazingly old refrigerator found
An extremely old refrigerator has been unearthed on the outskirts of the Autonomous Republic of Hingham, in a house owned by Professor V A R Scheinlich, a local expert.
“I was digging in the cellar, looking for buried wine,” said Prof Scheinlich, “when I noticed an eerie, white light glowing very faintly.
“I dug deeper and discovered that it was a refrigerator – and it was still working. It contained several yoghurts, some cheese that had seen better days and a rather crispy Sauvignon Blanc.”
Researchers from the UEA’s School of Penguins, Chess and Road Surfacing have dated the fridge to “around 1523”. Professor Ian “Sam” Aufmerksam, who headed the team, said it was fairly unusual to find a 1523 fridge in working order. He would quite happily install it in his own house and continue to use it.
Prof Scheinlich said this would not be possible unless he removed the Sauvignon Blanc first. And he was a bit worried about the fridge’s carbon footprint, which he might find if he dug deeper.
“I would not want the UEA to get involved in stuff like that,” he said. “You don’t know where it might lead.
“Then there’s the whole question of wormholes and time distortion, which is a can of … well … worms. Probably.”
Missing poem does exist
Claims that the winning poem in an international competition does not exist have been refuted by a reporter for this page.
Visitors to the Fish Publishing website (www.fishpublishing.com) alleged that although I had been named as the winner of their 2007 competition, there was no sign of any poem.
However a reporter found a copy at a secret address and was able to confirm that a poem of that name did in fact exist and would probably continue to do so. There was every chance, according to a source, that despite widespread disbelief it would eventually be published in this year’s Fish Anthology.
New Norfolk bat could rescue cricket
Following news that Australian engineers are developing a high-tech cricket bat that will enable its big hitters to strike the ball further, a Norfolk company has retaliated. Houseago Inc, which is based at Erpingham, is developing a bat that will not hit the ball nearly as far.
“Cricket is rubbish nowadays,” said owner Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago, an entrepreneur, left-arm spinner and druid. “You just take a swing, and you only have to touch the ball for it to fly off for a six. If you want that sort of thing, you might as well watch baseball. Or rounders, which is more or less the same.”
Asked whether a team that adopted his bat would be at a disadvantage, Mr Houseago said this might be true at first. “But when people saw they were playing real cricket, where good bowling counted for something and you had to play decent strokes to get runs, the spectators would come flocking back. Everyone will want our bat in the end.”
So far orders for the Norfolk bat are slow, but Mr Houseago said he was confident that good sense would prevail. He was approaching a Mr Boycott for an endorsement.
Smoking ban on drivers thin end of wedge
Plans to make smoking while driving illegal are the thin end of the wedge, according to campaigner and radical cleric the Rev Nick Repps-cum-Bastwick.
“It may seems a good idea,” he warned yesterday. “Hot ash on the thigh does make controlling the car a little more difficult. Or so I’m told.
“But if they can fiddle the statistics convincingly, it won’t be long before any kind of distraction is banned.
“How soon do you think it will be before tapes and CDs are kicked out of cars? Then it will be children – followed by pets and passengers of all kinds. And what about speedometers, fuel gauges and heaters?
“It’s a terrific buzz fiddling around with air conditioning while you’re trying to negotiate a speed hump, eat an apple, make a phone call and keep an eye out for cameras. That’s real skill. They can’t just ban that.”
Mr Repps-cum-Bastwick, a former boy racer, added that he could see the day when it became illegal for a driver to reach for a chocolate bar in the pocket of the opposite door, or retrieve a map from the back seat.
“Before we know where we are, no-one will have anything to do but concentrate on driving. And we all know how boring that is,” he revealed.