12 February 2007
Highways Agency steals scenery idea
Some time ago, after noticing that roadworks delays could be quite pleasant if they happened in the stunning scenery of Glen Coe, I suggested importing mountains to Norfolk to re-create the experience here.
Now the Highways Agency has stolen my idea. Well, almost. They suggested last week landscaping the approaches to Yarmouth, particularly four key roundabouts ¬ – using not mountains, unfortunately, but sculptural features representing the cultural heritage of the town.
This, in Glen Coe style, would take motorists’ minds off the delays and congestion caused by the poor road conditions in the area.
The study that produced the idea came in at £30,000 – only about £29,800 more than it cost me to do the Scottish research. When you consider the cost of carrying out the work, you can safely add in a few more zeroes. So if the Highways Agency has that kind of money floating about, couldn’t it use it to actually improve the roads?
Ah, no, of course. It’s from a different budget.
So of course we can’t do anything about it. Budgets are much bigger than people, and if we keep on expelling hot air at the current rate, there is little doubt that global budgeting will become so destructive that the world will perish. Already newts are taking over. The only hope is to get out of our budgets and think for ourselves. But that would be too taxing.
Not that I am against beautiful roundabouts. Indeed, I am quite disturbed to read that councils in Norfolk are failing to take action against a huge destroyer of beauty – litter, which is almost as much of a threat to the world as budgets.
Legally, councils can keep the cash raised by fixed penalty notices issued to litterbugs, but despite this incentive, Norfolk accounted for only about 100 of the 33,000 notices issued last year across the country. I suppose they were too busy devising new calming measures to do anything that might improve the quality of life for everyone, now.
Antidote to tourists went badly wrong
News that University of East Anglia scientists had discovered what caused the smell of the seaside was greeted with scorn yesterday by Norfolk legend Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago.
Bacteria plucked from Stiffkey saltmarsh were said by UEA scientists to be the key to the smell, but Mr Houseago, of Erpingham, said that his company, Houseago Inc, had been growing micro-organisms in the Stiffkey area for generations.
“We are developing an antidote to tourists,” he said. “The idea was to create a smell that would be tolerable to local people but would drive tourists away. “Unfortunately it didn’t quite work out. We now think it’s the cause of global warming, though of course no-one will listen to us.”
When it was pointed out to him that many scientists thought climate change was caused by carbon dioxide emissions, Mr Houseago laughed and said he thought his idea was much more likely, but he didn’t have the spin doctors to put it across. He attempted to hold a world summit at Hanworth, but no-one was interested.
Children happy to believe parents destroyed planet
Children have remarkably clear views on some things. On others they are simplistic and self-righteous. Specifically, they tend to think they know better than their parents.
So they are peculiarly susceptible to certain suggestions. They do not own or drive cars, so they are likely to respond favourably to the idea that cars are bad. That’s why it’s so reprehensible for unscrupulous groups to use children to propagate their views on traffic management.
Children also tend to blame their parents for everything, so they respond enthusiastically to the notion that their parents have destroyed the planet.
At the same time they gleefully trust people who propound such views. So if, as the Government wants, they are shown Al Gore’s much less than accurate film about global warming, most of them will swallow it with all the gusto they use to reserve for chicken and chips.
They will love to hear that an increase of 2C will be devastating for life on earth, that practically any unusual weather is proof of global warming and that all debate has been ended – I quote from a typical release by a campaigning group last week.
I would like to think that anyone teaching climate change would do it objectively, just as I would like to think that anyone teaching the origins of life would do it objectively. I am sure many such teachers exist. But I am becoming more and more afraid that what is happening in schools is often perilously close to brainwashing.
Perhaps the curriculum should contain lessons on scepticism. It might also make it more interesting.
Anonymous dozen praise police
The refusal by police to name or issue photographs of 12 people wanted for serious crimes who are on the run in Norfolk was welcomed by 12 people yesterday.
They refused to give their names but said they thought the police decision was “forward-looking and enlightened”. They felt that releasing the information would definitely infringe the human rights of free people, who had earned the right to live in peace and “were being persecuted by certain individuals who would probably be in trouble if we, I mean they, got hold of them”.
A spokesman said he would like the address of anyone who suggested they should be named. Asked if he thought the police lacked common sense, he said: “In many ways they are doing a great job.”
Police last night named a prime minister who was being questioned. Potter in peril from unexpected owl
I can reveal that Harry Potter will die in the final book of the series written by J K Rowling. On page 4695 he is struck in the face unexpectedly by an owl as he makes his way into the lounge at his retirement home. Complications set in, and Hermione’s attempts to cast a healing spell have grave repercussions. The retirement home is closed down by the Ministry of Magic, and Ron Weasley is struck by the Hogwarts Express as his crutches give way. Whoops. I probably shouldn’t have said that.