5 November 2007
Sleepwalkers in Norwich linked to shopping
Some may have been surprised to read that more people sleepwalk in Travelodges in Norwich than in any other city in the United Kingdom.
Those of us with experience of pedestrian activity in the city will not have been surprised at all, because the city is full of sleepwalkers. Most of them have just come out of shops and ground to a halt in the middle of the pavement.
The only difference between them and the Travelodge sleepwalkers is that the ones on the street are rarely naked and are not attempting to check out. A study undertaken by the UEA’s School of Penguins, Chess and Road Surfacing confirms that many Norwich shoppers are in the grip of Oliver’s Syndrome, named coincidentally after my five-year-old grandson, who walks into any shop and says: ”I want to buy something.”
Prof Ian “Sam” Aufmerksam said yesterday: “This of course reverses the normal procedure, which is to become aware of the need to buy something and then walk into a suitable shop. Our research reveals that Oliver’s Syndrome, a form of sleepwalking, is reaching epidemic proportions, possibly as a result of climate change, or Approaching Festive Season Disorder.”
He added: “None of this is really surprising. What we are really interested in is why all the sleepwalkers in Travelodges appear to be naked. Do they take their clothes off before attempting to check out, or do they sleep naked – an activity hitherto thought to be confined to students?
“We need to look at this much more closely.”
Unexpected truffle windfall for Norfolk town
Unexpected excitement struck the Watton area last week when it was designated a truffle hotspot.
It had long been thought that Norfolk was totally unsuited to growing the delicacy, hence the common dialect phrase “that hent no truffle, bor”.
Now an expert has said that the county is surprisingly ideal for truffles, and the answer lies in the soil – specifically the chalky, well-mixed earth that most readers will have noticed in the fields around Watton.
That area is already famous for its pingos, which have been used since the latest ice age to give a distinctive flavour to locally brewed real ale and whisky. A nearby restaurateur, Len ”Kissme” Hardy, formerly of Hindolveston, is already offering pingo and truffle canapés to discerning pupils of Wayland High School, who are said to prefer them to chips.
Meanwhile entrepreneur and general legend Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago said last night he was “up and running” in the race to supply the huge number of pigs that were expected to be needed to unearth the Watton truffles. His company, Houseago Inc of Erpingham, is in the process of diversification.
The much simpler Highway Code
While checking on the Poetry Vending Machine in Borders bookshop, Norwich, I couldn’t help noticing the chunkiness of the new Highway Code, which is on sale there.
Reprehensibly, I didn’t actually check the numbers, but I’m told the latest edition has reached 133 pages, which is enough to put anyone off driving. Perhaps that’s the idea.
In any case the Safe Speed campaign, which is concerned for road safety generally, says that this “bloat” is causing the essential safety messages to get lost, and so it has produced its own 100-word version of the Code. It goes like this.
“Drive on the left. Make sure you can see and be seen. Keep a constant look out all around. Be aware of signs and regulations and why they are there. Be predictable.
“Recognise and anticipate danger and keep clear space from it. Always ensure that you can stop within the distance that you know is clear. Develop your skills.
“Give courtesy, co-operation and space to others. Don't obstruct them. Never take risks, drive unfit or compete with others. “Safety is paramount and far more important than priority. Take personal responsibility for your safety and the safety of those nearby.
“Enjoy.”
I suspect it’s the last word that most safety experts would have problems with. But if you enjoy driving, you’re more than half way to doing it well. If you don’t, you’re dangerous. Expert anxious about effect of elephants on city streets
News that life-size baby elephants will soon be lurking in the streets of Norwich as part of a public art event has alarmed local scientist Professor V A R Scheinlich, who spends much of his time protecting the citizens of the Autonomous Republic of Hingham from unwanted effects of time and space distortion.
The republic, near Norfolk, is particularly prone to these effects, and Prof Scheinlich has made an in-depth study of them. “One of my achievements is to have eliminated unusual animals from our streets,” he said late last night. “Coypu, for instance.”
His device for protecting Hingham from elephants had worked particularly well, and he was concerned that Norwich was “asking for trouble”. He added: “So far Norwich has been relatively free of time and space distortion, apart from the buses. But this could change everything.”
He urged the council to consult him immediately. His fees were very reasonable, he said.
Crossing patrols not always the victims
I have no time for drivers who intimidate school crossing patrols or shout abuse at them, and I certainly have no problem with the campaign to inform drivers that they are legally obliged to stop for lollipop men and women.
But as always there is another side to it. A close friend who I know to be a good and considerate driver approached one such patrol at a zebra crossing in the city. No-one was waiting to cross, and the lollipop woman was standing with one foot on the crossing but with her back to it and talking to someone on the pavement.
My friend approached extremely carefully and, with no-one apparently interested in crossing, proceeded to drive through – at which the patrol woman turned and yelled abuse at her.
Consideration and respect are not a one-way street. Paying attention is the first rule of the road, and of the crossing.