22 October 2007
Secret plan to keep holidaymakers at home
During the postal strike a pigeon alighted on my desk. Someone was clearly relying on tried and tested methods. It turned out to be Richard “Volcano” Meek, noted Norfolk explorer and author of the widely acclaimed Walking over Bishy Barnabees, who has recently been, in his own words, seeking a challenge.
His pigeon post revealed that he had recently “explored the upper reaches of the Acle Straight, seeking the legendary city of Yarmuff, fabled to be constructed – like Petra – from solid rock”. I thought it was sand, but there you go.
He writes: “A less observant traveller might well have missed a number of subtle changes taking place on the marshes flanking the A47 causeway.
“I can now reveal that a hitherto top secret project designed to encourage holidaymakers to stay local and reduce their carbon footsteps is being trialled in our region.
“All signs have been removed or obliterated. A white donkey and a herd of black cattle have been drafted in. Herons are being rounded up and dyed pink. Clearly the plan is to convince holidaymakers that they have arrived in the Camargue – or Camarcle, as insiders know it.
“Planes taking off from Norwich International are being equipped for crop spraying, early warning of nuclear attack and deliveries of local post. They will circle several times before landing at a secretly constructed airfield in Halvergate.
“Locals have been undergoing clandestine training as extras in this farce. It appears that disembarking passengers will be met by Len "Francoise" Hardy, Freddie Maisonyva and Dorothea Bon-Enfant before being taken to their gites in nearby Grand Yarbouche.
“Where will it end? Beeston Bump re-profiled to serve as Table Mountain? Gondoliers in Potter Heigham? Fruit bats being liberated in Loddon? Fruit cakes in Fakenham?” Almost unbelievable.
Free car parking the best option
I suggested last time that the simplest way to make car parking consistent throughout South Norfolk was for it to be free.
Council leader John Fuller tells me that this solution was indeed considered, but several problems arose, and they stemmed partly from changes in political domination of the council.
Apparently the maintenance of car parks has fallen behind – and £300,000 is needed to put them right. Meanwhile, machines that should have been collecting fees have been allowed to remain out of action from some months, costing the council about £40,000.
The council also faces a new problem. “On-street parking will no longer be enforced by the police from April, risking gridlock in the market towns next year unless we do something about it,” says Mr Fuller.
Taking over an essential service in mid-stream is undeniably difficult, but I still think car parking is so central to what happens in market towns that it should be financed by everyone, and not just car drivers.
This means temperamental machines would not be necessary, and maintenance would get the priority it deserved.
People are willing to pay for what they see needs to be done. What they are not willing to pay for is machines that don’t work and the consequences of essential repairs not being carried out, followed by a consultation process.
And if car parking were free, the problem with street parking would disappear – or at least be manageable. Or am I just a hopeless optimist?
Nobel judges not swayed by newts
A Norfolk man claimed yesterday that there had been a mix-up, and the Nobel Peace Prize should have been awarded to him instead of obscure American Al Gore.
Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago, who has a long history of exposing the insidious activities of expansionist great crested newts in his home county, said that it was widely expected by people he knew that his fight for peace, literature and physics would catch the eye of the Nobel judges.
He admitted that much of the science on which he had based his anti-newt activities had been contested, but this did not matter as long as people became aware of the newt menace, for which they themselves were to blame. Ponds should have been abolished years ago. Now only heavier taxation, digging up roads and erecting monstrosities around the countryside would avert the danger.
Asked whether his campaign had anything to do with peace, Mr Houseago commented: “Probably not. But that doesn’t seem to matter. Anyway I could do with the money.”
Washed-up dog walkers anger bottle users
A large number of dog walkers washed up on a Norfolk beach has angered users of plastic bottles who frequent the area.
They believe that the dog walkers were thrown into the sea by a local enthusiast in the hope that they would reach Europe and spread the dog-walking gospel there. But the tide turned, and the dog walkers were washed up.
A newspaper columnist, when asked, said he would rather see plastic bottles than dog walkers on a beach, because they were cleaner and quieter, and tended not to write semi-literate abusive letters to him. In fact, messages in bottles tended to be quite uplifting.
When challenged, he admitted that many dog-walkers did not send him abusive messages and were quite friendly, although they tended to jump up too often, run around a lot and lick unnecessarily.
Eyes down for a new hazard
Readers will know how keen I am on low speeds, but it is hard to see how using average speed cameras to police 20mph limits in towns can be beneficial.
Law-abiding drivers will be determined to stay within the limit and therefore pay very close attention to their speedometers. However good they are, this means less attention paid to what is going on around them in what must be high-risk areas.
One road safety expert describes driving within the area covered by average speed cameras as “driving in fog”. While I would not put it quite like that, I do see what he means.
Mysterious marking
Taking an exam in RE nowadays seems a little bit less strict than it might be. The examiner will, I understand, mark super-positively, which is nice, and the exact mark you need to get a C grade, for example, is about as mysterious as the ways that the Almighty works in.
“We often get a call from on high asking us to push it down a bit,” a senior examiner reveals. “And I do mean the Government, not God.”