4 September 2006
Landscape problems make road works unbearable
Having just spent a couple of weeks in Scotland, I have discovered what’s wrong with road works in Norfolk. There is insufficient scenery to alleviate the tedium.
Specifically, there are no hills. All right, there is Beeston Bump. And Edgefield. And Gas Hill in Norwich. But there are no hills worth looking at for more than a moment.
I came to this conclusion while queuing lengthily for bridge repairs in Glen Coe, several miles north-west of King’s Lynn. The magnificence of the surroundings drove any frustration from our minds as we surveyed the picturesque pinnacles and ridges looming on each side of us, so untypical of Lynn itself.
The answer clearly is to import a few mountains into Norfolk – a move I have advocated on occasion in my role as president of the West Norfolk Mountain Rescue Team. They could be inserted almost painlessly at points where road works were planned, like Attleborough. You could then hold up as much traffic as you liked. There could be practical problems, I suppose, but if so perhaps pictures of mountains might be used instead.
The presence of so much natural beauty in the Highlands obviously generates a more sensible approach to traffic management. The motorist will quite frequently come across signs like: “Frustration causes accidents. Allow drivers to pass.” And they do.
You do not get this sort of thing in England, where the attitude is that if this tedious dawdle is good enough for me, it is good enough for you, you homicidal lunatic. I put this, too, down to the lack of mountains.
Most road signs in Scotland are worth reading, unlike their English equivalents. I particularly liked “No road markings for miles”, which seemed to work very well. In one respect, though, the two countries are as one: whenever you see a “Flood” sign, you can be sure of one thing: there is no water on the road.
Secret service cars refuse to signal
Those of us inclined to blame drivers for many of the mishaps on our roads would be intrigued to read statistics prepared by an alert EDP reader.
For legal reasons, I cannot give these here, but I can give the nub of their gist: cars themselves are to blame.
Basing her observations on newspaper reports, the reader, who wishes to remain anonymous, noticed that very rarely was the driver at fault in an accident. Instead “the car hit a tree”, “the car crossed the double white lines” or “the car failed to negotiate the bend”.
She writes: “It seems that we now have cars that not only think for themselves but also decide where they should go.”
She wonders if these are the same cars that “trundle along the middle lane of motorways at 50 mph or carry on in the overtaking lane at 65mph without any intention of overtaking anyone.
“Are they the same cars (working for MI5) that never indicate at junctions because their journeys are so secret that no-one should know where they are going?
“Are they the cars with only one speed - 40mph - for all journeys regardless of 30mph limits or wide open roads?”
She concludes with one statistic that I can reveal: 90 per cent of cars shouldn't go out in the rain. Hard to argue with that.
New planet may be home to someone, says UEA expert
Following the reclassification of several celestial bodies, the Erpingham firm of Houseago Inc has announced that it has unearthed a new planet on the outskirts of Norwich.
The discovery, which has been confirmed by the University of East Anglia’s School of Penguins, Chess and Road Surfacing, has been named Hellesdon (HML200699C- Beta).
Early indications are that it has a strong gravity field that tends to force anything within its orbit to move in circles or come to a complete halt, especially on Middleton’s Lane, the romantically named crater just south of the Great Rift.
Reports of life on the surface are believed to be exaggerated, though there are a few believers.
“Most people would regard it as just another piece of rock,” said Prof Ian “Sam” Aufmerksam late last night. “But I prefer to think of it as home to someone.”
Erpingham Inc hopes to claim ownership of the new planet and then sell it on eBay.
Newts accuse 'upstart' celebrities of wasting time
A press release from a consortium of great crested newts based in Tattersett, near Fakenham, attacks “time-wasting minor celebrities” for muscling in on their claim to be the major obstacle to bulldozers in the United Kingdom.
The newts have won large amounts of money for resettlement purposes as a result of construction projects, their victories in East Anglia being rather dwarfed by the £43,000 they won to make way for a new children’s playground in Wales in 2003. But a national newspaper survey places them only fifth in a list headed by a tiny snail that held up the Newbury bypass to the tune of £250,000.
The newts claim that this was “just highway robbery” and the snails, at 3mm long, were “practically invisible and very slow”. Nor do they have much time for the water vole, the dark-bellied brent goose and the badger.
They claimed the bog bush cricket, the “upstart” black redstart, the dunlin, the brown-banded carder bee and the Dartford warbler, also on the list, were “johnny- come-latelies who had no real talent and should be shut up in a house together for sad people to observe”.
Lack of driving saved warming 18C world
Documents recently discovered by this page have revealed an alarming trend in global warming going back to the 18th century.
Scientists in 1733, it seems, might have announced: “The UK has heated by a massive 3.2 degrees over the last four decades, to the present 10.47C. (The 2005 average was 10.45C.)
In 1779 they could have warned: “If the warming trends of the last 40 years continue, the UK could have a Mediterranean climate in the early years of the next millennium. The warming of 0.89C per decade to the present 10.4C is without precedent since records began.“
The documents, more details of which can be found at numberwatch.co.uk under Guest Papers, reveal that the average UK temperature in the year 1800 was 0.65C higher than temperatures at the end of the 17th century.
According to 18th century computer models, it could have got a lot worse, but fortunately people stopped driving cars.