7 August 2006
Same old answer, whatever the question
Well, well, well. Most road fatalities in the predominantly rural county of Norfolk occur on rural roads. Whatever next?
The answer, of course, must be to reduce the speed limit. That is always the answer, whatever the question. Never mind that the safe speed for any vehicle in any situation varies from second to second, and a skilful driver will adapt.
The result of reducing the speed limits below a realistic level is always to reduce the level of skill of the driver, because it promotes lack of attention, fatigue and speedometer-watching.
Any experienced driver knows that looking away from the road, even for a moment, is one of the most dangerous things you can do. And yet here we are, encouraging drivers to do so on a regular basis.
The really worrying statistic, contrasting with the many bogus ones last week, is that only 39 per cent of drivers in East Anglia, when asked to choose the single most important safety factor in any journey, put driver ability first.
That would help to explain why so many of them apparently want to lower limits and introduce more speed cameras: it puts the blame on someone else.
Some people are so desperate to blame someone else that they will even suggest that the failure to reduce accident levels in the past speed-obsessed decade is because of the increase in vehicles on the road.
This rather fails to explain why accident levels were plunging in a pleasing way before speed camera proliferation, despite a continuous increase in vehicle numbers.
But never mind; as long as we can continue to believe that speed cameras are wonderful and everyone should go more slowly, we don’t have to worry about our own ineptitude. It’s someone else’s fault.
And so the ideal statistic –100% of drivers wanting to improve their ability – remains as elusive as ever.
Heads may roll over Bronze Age motorway find
Following the discovery of the Bronze Age equivalent of a motorway near Becdes, an inquiry has been launched into the decline of the road network in East Anglia.
“We started with a motorway and ended up with the A146,” said local activist Yvonne Carlton-Colville. “Heads must roll.”
Experts have noted the innovative construction of what has become known as the Beccles marsh highway and are looking into the use of patio decking on the planned but elusive Norwich north distributor road. It is believed that this might reduce costs significantly.
An examination of the ancient Beccles roadway has revealed that it was in use over a very long period and was repaired a number of times. Archaeologists hope to uncover the stockpiles of buried cones that would confirm this. “There must be thousands of them,” said Ms Carlton-Colville deeply.
There is some mystery over the route of the ancient highway, which ran originally from dry land, across a swamp to a spot on the river Waveney.
“We believe it was intended to run from Norwich to Ipswich,” said Ms Carlton- Colville yesterday. “But protests from environmentalists meant it had to be shifted several times. This turned out to be the only acceptable route to ensure mammoths and boa constrictors survived in Suffolk.
“But we never did get a proper road from Norwich to Ipswich.”
The inquiry report is expected some time in 2035, or shortly after.
Polar bear spotted by students on beach
Reports of a polar bear sighting on Winterton beach have been confirmed by the School of Penguins, Chess and Road Surfacing at the University of East Anglia.
Several research students photographed the animal, using grants and digital cameras.
“There’s no doubt about it,” said Professor Ian “Sam” Aufmerksam. “It was big, fairly white, considering the pollution, and seemed to be fishing.
“When interviewed by the students, it complained about global warming and the housing prices in East Anglia, which are apparently much higher than in most parts of the Arctic. It was very much in favour of nuclear wind farms.”
Asked whether he thought the polar bear should be linked with the recent sighting of a penguin at Scratby, Prof Aufmerksam said he felt it quite unlikely. “You don’t see many penguins at Scratby,” he said. “It’s quite a bizarre idea.This sort of thing should be the left to the experts.”
Confusion the key to stamp prices, says businessman
A Norfolk businesman hopes to cash in on the Royal Mail’s exciting new “Pip” scheme, whereby the price of a stamp will vary according to the size of the letter, card or package.
Pricing in Proportion is seen by Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago, chief executive of Houseago Inc of Erpingham, as “a good start, but it doesn’t go far enough. My scheme will address that issue.”
He said market research had proved that people wanted post office queues to be longer, and changing the way mail was paid for would assist this greatly. He pointed out that the average wait in a post office had increased by well over a minute, and the fact that people still flocked to post offices meant this must have been welcomed.
Refusal by shops to sell stamps under the Pips scheme would undoubtedly help, but the recent removal of TV licence sales from post offices was a retrograde step, he added.
“Anything to make things more complicated is obviously the way to go,” said Mr Houseago. “Under my scheme the price of mail will vary according to the colour of the packaging and the quality of the handwriting, as well as the centimetres of Sellotape involved and the time of year.
“In the event of gifts, we may insist on opening the package to check on desirability and environmental friendliness.”
Royal Mail is spending £10 million on an advertising campaign to make its changes easier to understand - a move deplored by Mr Houseago. ”It’s a gross waste of money,” he told our fashion correspondent. “My campaign will cost £20 million - perhaps more, depending on the shape and colour of it - and people will be more confused than ever.”
Mr Houseago is in talks with the Royal Mail, and with doctors at the Norfolk and Norwich University Hospital.