16 October 2006
Ten years and still going strong
Celebration this month of the tenth anniversary of the tabloid Eastern Daily Press reminds me that the Tim Lenton commentary page had the honour of appearing in the very first of the new-look papers.
Nothing really changes, does it? On the first page I wrote about confusion on the roads, and while I have received many messages of support – some from quite eminent people - nothing much has changed except the precise shape of the confusion.
I also wrote about blots on the landscape such as phone masts, and while the emphasis has switched to wind farms, the blots don’t go away.
So why bother? Well, most obviously, someone had to expose what was going on in the Autonomous Republic of Hingham, where time and space are distorted, wormholes are common, democracy is under threat and only Professor V A R Scheinlich sees things as they really are.
Of course, democracy is under threat everywhere: we are asked to accept so many dubious things as self-evident, when a little thought shows that the picture is much more complex.
If what we’re asked to accept is going to have a real impact on our lives, the threat is all the more potent. And when there is an attempt to drown out dissenting voices, we are on hazardous ground indeed.
Expansionist great crested newts have become for me – and a few discerning readers – a symbol of dehumanising bureaucracy and unthinking consensus, and they were there as just a bizarre germ of an idea on the first of these absurd pages.
The newts are still with us, in so many different forms. They have to be challenged, or the glory of human life will be ploughed under.
Mystery of the missing bridge
Readers intrigued by Peter Sargent’s typically eloquent journey around the city’s Wensum bridges in the EDP recently may have found themselves wondering why there is one bridge too few.
No, I don’t mean the famous invisible pedestrian bridge ¬– scheduled for years to be built between the rail station and the Novi Sad Friendship Bridge but never actually materialising.
I mean the one that is never talked about but which clearly should be materialising – at Thorpe St Andrew, enabling pedestrians to walk from Thorpe over to the spanking new edge-of-the-city leisure park at Whitlingham.
This would mean that many people from both Thorpe and the city would be able to reach Whitlingham without taking their cars, which should surely attract funding.
And as if in mute testament to the desirability of such an undertaking, the short piece of road opposite Thunder Lane is actually called Whitlingham Lane, although it is prevented from reaching Whitlingham by both rail and river.
I’m sure there is some really good reason why such a bridge has not been built, just as there must be a reason why a riverside path cannot be created out of the city and past Carrow Road stadium, on one bank or the other.
If we really want to encourage walking, these are two obvious steps in the right direction. Why is our green-fingered council not insisting on them?
Right kind of crime will lure police out of hiding
The suggestion by a police authority member that we might exaggerate reports of crime in order to persuade the police to put in a swift appearance was to my mind unnecessarily crude.
Certainly it is hard to find a policeman when you need one, but there is no need to exaggerate to bring them out of hiding. You just have to report the right kind of crime.
If you want them to attend a burglary, all you need say is that the burglar made a homophobic remark or a racial insult while smashing you in the face with a bottle. On second thoughts, to avoid confusion, leave out the bit about the bottle. And your face.
They would also be sure to turn out for a road accident if there was the slightest chance of closing the road for 24 hours. And if a teacher steals your purse, don’t mention money: just get a child to make a complaint against them.
If you want something done about an anti-social neighbour, don’t bother to complain about noise, violence and threats. Just say they’ve got your ball.
Simple when you know how.
Bid for freedom
As they tried to leave the city, they could see a road block in the distance. With scarcely a moment’s thought, he swung the wheel and took a side road to the left. A bit more fuel, but it would get him there more quickly.
He turned, and saw a white van do a U-turn to avoid being stopped. He listened for the wail of sirens, but nothing happened, and he was soon out of the danger area.
Yes, it’s a bid for freedom, but not the kind of wartime dash you might have expected. It’s an attempt to avoid being delayed by last week’s road censuses. Some people simply go round them, some give wrong information for their own purposes, others are forced to fit in with what’s on the form, and almost no-one has any idea of which postcode they’re going to.
The result: lots of unnecessary delays and a wodge of very approximate, distorted information for someone to feed into a hungry computer. It may explain the bizarre highways policy and high number of road closures we have to endure in Norwich, but does it really get us anywhere?