8 August 2005
Asking those questions that just needn't be asked
Even outside the letters pages of the Eastern Daily Press, there is a “great debate” about English going on. You may have been lucky enough to miss it.
It was launched by the Qualifications and Curriculum Authority, a quango with an annual budget of £100 million, which, together with time itself, clearly weighs heavily upon it.
What is this great debate all about? Some big questions are being asked. For example: • Will reading and writing still be basic skills in 2015? • Will the printed book disappear? • If most screen reading is in short chunks, how important is stamina in reading?
You may think these questions are easily answered in three words: yes, no and very. You may even ask why a debate of this kind is even necessary, bearing in mind that in the 1980s, it was quite widely believed that newspapers would be history by 2000, and computers would lead to a paperless office.
We are not very good at making predictions. Things we forecast confidently do not happen, and we fail to foresee the things that do.
Still, we love predictions, which is why we love research, even when it is into the blindingly obvious, and the result is what the Americans call a no-brainer.
Results like this, for instance: • university students drink more alcohol than they think they do; • employees work less well when cold; and • it is easier to recognise someone close to you than someone 450 feet away.
I can reveal that in their spare time researchers who uncover gems like this work on TV quiz game shows.
One of them must have been responsible for the viewers’ question I chanced on the other day, which consisted of constructing the word “sunblock” from four groups of double-letters (possibly nb, ck, lo, su).
There were several – yes, several – clues, of which the most difficult was “You use this on your skin to stop the sun burning you”.
A breakaway group led by Len “Kissme” Hardy of Hindolveston, concerned that all this is far too obscure, is busy creating a new TV game called Insult to the Intelligence. It will supply the questions and the answers to the contestants, who simply have to say “yes”.
That’s a word signifying agreement, which is made up of the letters y,s,e – but not necessarily in that order.
Underground project unaffected by consultation
Following a report that a project to transform Yarmouth’s Golden Mile had been thwarted by “exhaustive and costly public consultation” – described by the borough council’s Labour leader as a public relations disaster – Mrs Hicks, mayor of a hamlet near Corpusty, has announced that similar problems will leave a scheme to build an underground rail system to all corners of Little London almost unaffected.
“We were able to obtain millions of pounds from European sources,” she said, “and after employing three firms of consultants and sending out an 18-page questionnaire to everyone in Norfolk and parts of Holland we still have a four-figure sum in reserve.
“I have no doubt that we shall be able to build at least one station, though it may be above ground.
“Meanwhile we are applying to Europe for more money. There seems to be plenty of it around.”
Mrs Hicks said she was particularly grateful to a Taverham woman for her suggestions.
Sapping the vitality from a community
Sad news from Wymondham, home of the famous duck. The town has been hit by the Great British Red Tape Plague.
Contractors who have put up Christmas lights over the past years – at cost – have declined to do so this year, because of all the paperwork and health and safety regulations involved. And voluntary groups cannot step in because they are disempowered by lack of insurance cover.
British people are traditionally more than happy to contribute their time and energy for the good of the community, but more and more often, bureaucracy and greed sap the vitality from them, leaving them not so much in the dark as in a thick grey fog.
Anyone care to vote for freedom? Or is it too late?
Why winning at cricket would have been a mistake
Shortly after Australia were triumphant in the First Ashes Test, I happened on these words from the Worstead Parish Chronicle of 1875:
“On this day our cricket club played its first match with its neighbour at Happisburgh. Of course we were unsuccessful, for, had the club won, what would have been left to achieve in after struggles? The completest victories are always born of defeat.”
Suddenly the English strategy becomes clear.
Are 750 litter bins enough, or should we empty them?
There are about 750 litter bins in Norwich. Is this enough?
Well, it’s promising, but I was disappointed to hear from friends visiting the city centre one Sunday recently that they were unable to find one that was not overflowing. This did not seem to quite tie in with the council’s high profile anti-litter policies, or with its website statement that “litter bins are emptied before they overflow”.
Clearly there will be occasions when the odd bin will reach its limit, but this seemed a general problem and one that, unusually, could not be blamed on motorists. I understand that tests involving litter humps, litter lights and one-way litter have been disappointing