30 May 2005
Warning: school may suddenly re-open
Anyone concerned at how Norfolk County Council spends its money will have been bemused by the recent repainting of yellow warning signs outside a school at Rackheath, near Norwich, that was closed almost two years ago.
Admittedly the council does not seem to care much whether schools are open or not – which is why speed cameras and 20mph limits operate outside schools 24 hours a day – but this seems particularly wasteful. Adrian Loades, chairman of Rackheath Parish Council, observed that if any of the May Gurney workers had walked down the short drive outside the school they might have noticed that it was not only shut but boarded up.
In fact, they did not even have to put themselves to that trouble, because as they were at work a former pupil at the school stopped and told them that it was shut and had been replaced by another school elsewhere in the village. He reports that they did not appear worried by this: muttering something about the school being re-opened, they worked merrily on, at a cost of hundreds of pointless pounds to the taxpayer. The former pupil concerned was retired garage proprietor and motor cycle expert Philip Basey, whose time at the former school in the 1920s and 30s coincided with the time my mother was teaching there and who is writing his autobiography. He told me of a fellow pupil called “Jump” Jim Crow, who was a bit more perceptive than your average workman.
Jim was a bit of an aeronautical expert, and when an R101 flew over the village in 1930 he told his impressed audience of fellow boys and girls that it was in fact a Zeppelin disguised as an R101, and it was taking pictures of Norwich industrial areas in case of war. Such a perceptive lad would have had no trouble spotting that the school was closed down – or would he have diagnosed that it is in fact a secret coypu farm? That would explain the warning. Only the county council really knows.
Dead seagulls may not be nailed to perch
Intense research is taking place into Norfolk seagulls following a shock revelation by a noted naturalist last week.
Criticising a scheme by the Port Authority at Yarmouth to shoot gulls that were causing a nuisance in Southtown Road, he said: “Killing the gulls will only make them go away for a little while. They will soon come back.”
Reincarnation among seagulls is not a widely understood phenomenon, but scientists hope that closer investigation may be helpful in a rare bid to understand the origins of life. Professor Ian “Sam” Aufmerksam, of the School of Penguins, Chess and Road Surfacing at the University of East Anglia, said yesterday that the first step was to log the gulls in and out.
“I’m not sure whether we’re dealing with reincarnation or resurrection,” he said. “That’s the first thing to settle. Do dead gulls fly on the third day, or are they simply recycled, as it were? And if so, do they remember past lives?
“Of course, seagulls’ lives are pretty much the same anyway. They may not be able to tell.”
Initial problems centred on the difficulty of distinguishing one bird from another, though this was easier after they had been shot, he said. “They also tend to move about less.”
So far no single gull has been identified as reincarnated or even resurrected, but Prof Aufmerksam is hopeful. However, a large number of lifeless birds stored in the Lower Common Room have so far shown no sign of activity, despite loud music being played.
Newts and dolphin see off dual waterway
Plans by the Broads Authority to construct a dual carriageway down the River Yare to make boating safer have been thwarted by a consortium of great crested newts. The expansionist amphibians, who have achieved huge successes in preventing road safety measures in Norfolk by the expedient of taking up residence in key spots and seducing gullible environmentalists, decided to act when it seemed that lives might be saved and passage made easier on the river.
“That was the last thing we wanted,” said a spokesnewt. “So we sought legal advice from Fish & Co, and obtained an excellent lawyer in the shape of a dolphin who was, of course, more intelligent than anyone else involved.
“He had a bagful of tricks.”
Last night newts and dolphin were celebrating.
Scientists melt in face of global funding
There was wild rejoicing the other day when Oxford University's climate change research centre was allocated more than £3.5 million in government funding over the next five years.
This does not mean that the scientists involved will be instinctively disposed to find that climate change will have a big impact on this country. I’m sure they would get just as much money if they found the impact would be minimal or uncertain. Well, fairly sure.
That is quite unlike the American Association of Petroleum Geologists, an international organisation of more than 30,000 scientists which has rejected the view that human-influenced factors are the main drivers of global warming. They of course are in the pay of the oil industry. And we all know the oil industry is quite happy if we fry tomorrow, as long as they make profits today. After all, they don’t have grandchildren.
Of course the AAPG does have a strict Code of Ethics which stresses “honesty, integrity, loyalty, fairness and impartiality” and states that “members shall not make false, misleading, or unwarranted statements, representations or claims in regard to professional matters”. But hey, they’re Americans and probably right-wing liars.
So whose opinions do you value: a consortium of politicians, amateur environmentalists and pop stars who haven’t researched the subject, or a professional, scientific body with a strict code of ethics?
Of course. Silly question.
Runway scheme in the wind for Hingham
A disturbing dispatch from the Autonomous Republic of Hingham suggests that the new runway for Stansted airport is to be built within the Fairland village greens area, not far from the site of the notorious scout hut. A correspondent tells me that tarmac the width of a three-lane motorway is to be laid there as part of an “enhancement” scheme. What else could it be for? Time-space distortion within the republic is well documented.