21 February 2005
Putting the horse in front of the cart doesn't help
A large number of drivers seem happy to fall in with the dangerous myth that slowing down will keep death off the roads. Dithering along, they habitually carry on eye-contact conversations with their passengers, gesture fondly at the passing countryside, delve around in the glove compartment or try to placate mewling infants at the same time as attempting, in a vague sort of way, to control their vehicles. They are a hazard to themselves and those they spend their lives obstructing. But of course no-one ever tells them. They crawl smugly past speed cameras, scowl at anyone who overtakes them and think they are the safest thing on four wheels.
They would surely be happier with a horse and cart. The same would no doubt be true of the equally deluded local academic who thinks that driving a car is roughly equivalent to invading Iraq. But retreating to horses and carts is far from the safe solution we might nostalgically suppose. Just 130 years ago, the railway came to the village of Worstead, just outside North Walsham. The village Chronicle hoped bullishly it would lead to “less absolute stagnation and lifelessness”. No doubt that explains the current liveliness and enthusiasm in the area.
Other than the new-fangled train, the horse and cart was the normal mode of transport in the mid-1870s, and the same issue of the Chronicle that welcomed the railway reported two serious local road accidents. In one a young girl – Alice Long – died after falling from a donkey cart in a collision with a cart and horses that had emerged from a field. Another girl was seriously injured.
Strange – or maybe not – that emerging carelessly and too slowly on to a faster road is still a major cause of accidents.
The previous week a man had been badly hurt when his cart was in collision with another one “driven at a very rapid rate” at dusk on the way back from Norwich. Horse-and-cart experts at the University of East Anglia will be able to tell us how fast this was likely to be, but no further information is available. Had the driver of the slower cart dozed off? Was either driver changing a cassette? Were their lights on?
The more things change, the more they remain the same.
Weather changes bin happening
Strange phenomena are abroad again. One reader who lives near Wymondham has noticed that the weather seems to be better on those days designated for green wheelie bin collection than on those designated as grey wheelie bin days.
“Grey bin days,” he adds, “are usually wet and, well, grey.” He feels that yellow wheelie bins might bring brighter weather, albeit with a risk of global warming. It seems to me, however, that such a theory would lead to very patchy and localised weather. Here in Thorpe Hamlet, we are stuck with black bags and green boxes, and weather that just can’t make up its mind.
Another correspondent has observed black, rectangular markings on some roads. My immediate assumption was that these were the black lids of the green recycling boxes, carelessly flung down by the collectors, who always seem to be in a hurry, and punched into the asphalt by passing HGVs.
But my correspondent is much more suspicious: he feels they are “obviously a detecting device designed to find out (a) where we're going; (b) where we've been; (c) who or what we are carrying; and (d) whether we are up to date with road fund licences and/or MOT effectiveness”.
He adds: “Call me paranoid if you like.” This seems a good idea. Thank you, Mr Paranoid.
Dark designs on border village?
The citizens of Shelfanger, on the Norfolk-Suffolk border, had better be careful. I was walking near New Buckenham the other day, trying to work out how to ford the moat and storm the castle, when I noticed that the road sign at Dam Brigg – a popular local junction – had been tampered with.
The word “Shelfanger” had been carefully painted over in white. What can this mean? The road in question – not a quiet lane, but a wide and often straight B-road – does indeed go directly to Shelfanger. I checked. From Dam Brigg there is no reasonable alternative way.
So why must this fact be kept from us? Is Shelfanger due for demolition? Is it about to be flooded out of existence? Has it upset the county council? Is it being sent to Coventry? Or is it just part of the normal highways campaign to keep us all driving desperately around, causing as much pollution as possible?
£xciting grant for advertising breakthrough
A £1m lottery grant has been awarded to the UEA’s School of Penguins, Chess and Road Surfacing to carry out research into using the surface of roads, or possibly the City Hall clock tower, as an advertising medium.
“We are really excited about this,” said Prof Ian “Sam” Aufmerksam. “It was a close-run thing between us and some campaign to help carers, whatever that means. Our knowledge of chess and penguins enabled us to explain our proposals in black and white, with a bit of orange for colour.
“We were able to lay down some very sharp guidelines, and we had our criteria in place.”
Prof Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago, from the University of Pondhenge, who acted as consultant for the bid, said he felt roads were ideal for advertising purposes, because “drivers aren’t really doing anything”. Prof Houseago admitted he had shares in a company that makes radar speed guns, but said this was “a side issue”.
Newts back cuckoo campaign
A consortium of great crested newts has launched a campaign to get cuckoos into the red. The newts have had a great deal of success in placing themselves and other creatures, like cyclists, on the endangered species list, which they find brings many benefits – such as special pathways under and along major roads, plus occasional feeding stations, and fines for anyone who disturbs them.
The cuckoo’s increasing rarity is on the brink of putting it on the red list of highest conservation importance, and the newts are right behind it.
“It won’t be long before they have a legal right to use any bird’s nest they like to lay their eggs in,” said a spokesnewt. “And why not?”