26 December 2005
Slippery roads and slippery thieves a bad sign
At this time of year many readers will be worried by slippery roads. I know the police place them high on their list of priorities, because when a Norfolk farmer spilled some mud on the road they turned up in force, whereas they showed no interest when he reported that some of his machinery was stolen.
The more cynical readers might suspect that this was because they knew where the farmer was and so could catch him easily. The thieves, on the other hand, could have been anywhere, and probably were. It would have been hard work to track them down. After all, there is so much farm machinery on the road.
One of my correspondents is well aware of this. He has also noticed other vehicles performing similar functions. He writes: “We have long since understood that the numbers of tractors on the roads are a result of the EU subsidies that are dished out to farmers under ‘traffic calming’. Why has this system now been extended to include Tesco lorries? “At the head of most of the traffic queues these days there is a slow-moving Tesco lorry. Why do they have to travel at a speed which is lower than that of the average cyclist?”
Allan Hale of Beachamwell (for it is he) also has views on slippery roads, as it happens. He points out that there was “a veritable rash of signs erected to this effect a few years ago, and the signs still remain”.
He wonders: “Are the roads still slippery, and if not, why are the signs still there? If they are still slippery, how have the authorities managed to keep them that way after resurfacing?”
These seem to me to be excellent questions. I suspect that the highway authorities care very little about signposting. “Flood” signs rarely hold water, and speed limit signs are often wildly inappropriate. Many temporary warning signs remain long after the reason for them has passed. Obviously it’s boring and tedious to remove them – particularly if they have to be put back a couple of days later – but after a certain number of silly signs, motorists have little respect for signs generally. It is hard to blame them.
Mr Hale is particularly concerned about signs that read “Give Way - 142 yards”. He asks: “Why 142 yards, for goodness sake? Does anybody know? Is it related to rods, poles or perches?”
Sadly, I am unable to answer these questions, as I have had too much turkey. Maybe someone else could help.
Red shift horror as newts lead Santa astray
There was anger in parts of Norfolk yesterday when it was revealed that Santa Claus had been deceived by great crested newts as he crossed the Autonomous Republic of Hingham. The area has long been regarded as risky for anyone wearing scarlet, because of a peculiar effect of the time-space distortion encountered there. Called red shift, it can result in confusion and unpredictable changes of role, according to local expert Prof V A R Scheinlich, who studied the phenomenon when he was someone else – possibly radical cleric the Rev Nick Repps-cum-Bastwick. Taking advantage of an incidence of red shift, the ruthless newts persuaded Mr Claus that he was in fact a reindeer and harnessed him to his sleigh. One of them then took his place in the sleigh and pretended to be Santa, distributing fresh fruit to local government officers across the county as bribes.
Thousands of children were distraught when it was discovered that the toys Santa had been carrying – largely X-boxes – had been buried in a black hole near Reepham. This was described as “singular” by PC Amy Thirdelf, a spokesperson. Very little trace of the reindeer can be found, but Norfolk police have asked them to give themselves up.
Bridge too far for collision-happy motorists
Motorists who enjoy driving into things will need to be careful in future that their chosen object of impact is not a railway bridge – because if it is, they will be fined £5000 and docked six points.
Those who are careful enough to drive into other things, like speed cameras, will not face these draconian penalties – although, of course such actions are not to be encouraged. The bridge problem is apparently getting worse. One bridge in Lincolnshire has been hit 151 times, which must mean that Lincolnshire people are very determined, short-sighted or hate trains.
But if we are to penalise people for the effects their actions have, and not for the actions themselves, why don’t we start inflicting heavy fines on all those lorry drivers who keep shedding their loads, catching fire or jack-knifing and blocking major routes just in time for the morning rush-hour?
After all, the expense, inconvenience and human misery caused must be much the same as what happens every time a railway bridge has to be checked. It may be worse.
Diversion gets humans to Cromer 200,000 years early
So humans were in Cromer 200,000 years before we thought they were. Clearly the A140 was better in those days.
But what were they doing there? Very recent research suggests that they were part of a team engaged in diverting the course of the River Glaven so that it would reach the sea. Being a very early river, it had not at that time understood what was required of it.
Diverting rivers became less popular as time went on, and it is only recently that it has been taken up again. Readers concerned at why on earth it could be taking so long to complete work at the Thickthorn roundabout near Norwich may be relieved to hear that they are trying to divert the River Yare. No-one knows where to, but the Wymondham duck is believed to be involved.
A spokesman said it was essential work, and they should be finished in well under 200,000 years.
Mountain rescue team goes back to basics
At the annual meeting of the West Norfolk Mountain Rescue Team – of which I have the honour to be president – it was suggested that one of the major problems facing the team could easily be met.
As a result, each member has been asked to take a bucket on holiday, fill it with earth and deposit it on a site to be found in West Norfolk. It is hoped that – if the idea spreads – West Norfolk will soon have its first mountain. EU cash may be available, as the minority in the area is believed to be ethnic.