31 October 2005
Mysterious movements of head teachers
The mysterious movements of head teachers have long been an interest of mine, so I was delighted to receive a message from a teacher in a secondary school who has made a study of the subject.
He prefers to remain anonymous to prevent publishers – or indeed head teachers – from beating a path to his door. But he teaches in one of the more testing parts of Norfolk.
One of his more pithy observations is that in the secondary sector at least, the term “head teacher” is a bit of a misnomer, since they don’t. Maybe the all-purpose “team leader” should be substituted.
But what he is really interested in is the meetings they attend – and what happens as a result of them. He has quantified the outcomes quite carefully, using computer models and statistical analysis, and has come up with a figure as close to zero as makes no difference. To be fair, he is looking at this from the point of view of teachers and children, and not filling in forms, which is the main activity of heads now that the Government has decided to make Ofsted inspectors’ lives easier by unloading tonnes of paper on to schools so that they can inspect themselves. (This is a bit of a secret; so don’t tell anyone.)
But what goes on at these meetings? Is it just a question of learning how to fill in forms? Surprisingly, my research indicates that this is by no means a small factor, but surely there is more to it.
My informant is concerned because his head “has only been in school once this term on a Friday afternoon, and in the whole of last year managed just three Fridays”. Maybe heads should wear tags, or homing devices, as featured in the reality TV programme Spooks.
More research is clearly called for, and one method would be to run a competition. My correspondent suggests asking for the most impressive responses to the following: 1. Which school can boast its head out at a meeting on the most consecutive days? 2. The best excuse for a head being at a meeting. 3. The best name of a group meeting they attend. 4. The most consecutive days a head is in school.
I would give his own answers to all four, but I fear it would give him away. So I will restrict myself to his answer to Question Two, which is, almost inevitably, “A meeting to see if further meetings are necessary”.
For personal reasons I have to restrict this competition to the secondary sector. I have it on the best possible authority that primary heads are beyond reproach, and always there when you need them.
Hyenas to make comeback on Kelling Heath
Revelations that the climate of Norfolk was once much warmer and supported animals such as hippos, hyenas and elephants were welcomed yesterday by newt war veteran Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago, who refused to give his age.
Mr Houseago, whose company Houseago Hicks is based at the home of a Taverham woman, is planning to reintroduce these exciting animals into Norfolk “as soon as it gets hot enough”.
He said: “Global warming means we are nearly there, so I have ordered a job lot of used hyenas, which I hope to release on to Kelling Heath next Thursday. I am already in talks with certain African government representatives about elephants, though no-one seems to have the West Runton brand that I’m looking for. And trying to find any mammoth, let alone a Mundesley one, is a thankless task.
“My top agent, Len 'Kissme' Hardy, has been scouring the world.”
Asked where he would place hippos, he suggested that Pingoland, near Watton, would be ideal. “The waterholes are already there,” he said. “The Broads Authority wanted me to put them in the Broads, but they hadn’t thought it through. It would make tacking very difficult. This is much more sensible.”
Mr Houseago was also keen to reintroduce sharks into rivers like the Yare, Wensum and Tud, although he was not convinced that they had entirely disappeared from Norfolk. “What other explanation is there for speed cameras?” he asked.
Professor Ian “Sam” Aufmerksam, of the UEA’s School of Penguins, Chess and Road Surfacing, is researching the implications with help from Professor V A R Scheinlich of Hingham, who is concentrating on the possibility of space-time distortion.
QMD risk keeps Ministers out of East Anglia
Fears that the Government might invade parts of East Anglia were discounted last night after the leak of an intelligence document suggesting the presence of Questions of Mass Destruction in coastline areas of Norfolk and Suffolk.
Spokesman Eric “Smally” Small said that ministers had no intention of entering parts of the country where they might encounter QMDs, since these were believed to be particularly virulent and could blow a hole in certain policies, with unforeseeable fall-out.
He felt that the best plan was to wait and see if the QMDs, which were thought to be located in areas where the coastline was being eroded, would collapse into the sea or be overtaken by waves of apathy.
“We do not want to go anywhere near them,” said Mr Small. “They are far too dangerous to handle, and we have no answer to them.”
Asked if it might be possible to dismantle and dispose of the QMDs, he said the risks involved to people whose only mistake was to live and work in certain areas – like Central London – were just too great. He urged everyone to stay clear of anything that looked like a cliff.
God in prison shock
Nothing a bishop does surprises me any more, but I must admit to being taken aback by a headline in the Church of England Newspaper the other day.
It read: “Serving six years for armed robbery, God spoke to me in my cell.”
It was not so much that God would commit an armed robbery – though finding a motive must be tricky – but that someone somehow managed to catch and convict Him. Clearly a frame-up, but it makes some of the plots in Waking the Dead seem almost convincing.