17 October 2005
Worshipping the shopping and soccer way
My suggestion that the spire-and-gravestones Chapelfield mall in Norwich provided fresh evidence that shopping was the new religion provoked an indignant response from a Thetford reader. He claimed that the national religion was in fact football, with “Jesus lagging far behind, even at Christmas”.
There has it is true been some confusion between football and Christianity: many will recall the old slogan “Jesus saves, but Dalglish nets the rebound”. But is soccer really a religion? And if so, is it more of a religion than shopping?
Maybe you could see shopping as the Church of England, with a set way of processing down the aisles, assistants (priests) to act as intermediaries between you and the creators and a choice of liturgy published as catalogues. It is obviously necessary to know the correct responses, which is why men find it harder to deal with than women. Significantly, the proportion of women to men in shopping malls and churches is roughly the same.
Smart clothing is important, together with incense. And then there’s the music: all the old favourites, played on what might very well be an organ if you could hear it clearly enough, and sung by someone else – a kind of choir.
Football, on the other hand, is unashamedly non-conformist. Like all non-conformists, its devotees do the same thing every week and prefer brash choruses that they can sing along to. True, they use traditional chants – but in a new and charismatic sort of way.
They are unafraid to move their arms in worship and always enjoy the sermon – or match report, as it is sometimes called. Praying is often extrovert and passionate, sometimes desperate. Stewards (sidesmen) have a key role in keeping order.
Meanwhile Christianity has become confused, with some Anglicans behaving like nonconformists, or shoppers at a sale, when anything could happen.
Since this is more like the original Church, you could call it Back to Basics. One city church calls it Developing Consciousness: not a bad idea, and no chance at all of confusing that with shopping and football.
Christmas without any problems
Apologies for mentioning the C-word so early in the year, but I have been receiving shopping brochures with it on for some weeks now.
This always upsets me, but one in particular gave me pause for thought. It was titled boldly “Christmas Made Easy”. I didn’t read any further, but I suspect it goes something like this.
Mary and Jesus are relieved to find that the census has been cancelled and they can stay in familiar surroundings while Mary has her baby. She decides on a home birth, and a midwife and doctor are in attendance in case of complications. There aren’t any.
Some jolly shepherds who knock at the door are turned away for health and safety reasons, and reported music and singing in the nearby hills are attributed by the local council to boisterous but well-meaning teenagers. The family wins expensive gifts in the Jerusalem lottery, some asylum seekers are turned away at the border, and later King Herod decides not to kill any children at all. Mary, Joseph and the baby Jesus decide to take advantage of a special offer short break in Egypt for a few years.
“Easter Made Easy” is even better.
Martians take climate change seriously
Environmentally minded Martians are concerned about climate change, following the discovery that for three summers in a row deposits of frozen carbon dioxide near the planet’s south pole have shrunk from the previous year's size.
Fears that this could lead to canals overflowing, new impact craters, strong winds and a reddish hue to the sky have prompted Martians to make dramatic reductions in the number of cars being driven, planes being flown, power stations being brought on line, binge drinking and passive smoking.
So much so, in fact, that the Mars Global Surveyor, now in its ninth year orbiting the planet, has shown that almost none of this is now happening at all.
Up and down driving could improve concentration
Anyone with any experience of driving in Norfolk might think that the last thing you would want to tell most local drivers is to slow down – unless of course you wanted them to stop altogether.
Last week I followed a queue of cars from Saxlingham Nethergate to Stoke Holy Cross headed by someone doing between 20 and 30mph on a road where 50mph is quite reasonable – and below the legal limit. I would call this selfish, inconsiderate and dangerous driving, but perhaps the offender had simply been viewing the speed camera partnerships’ recent “See More – Slow Down” advertisements.
The idea that if you slow down you will react more quickly to danger is a bizarre one. I prefer the much less weird idea of vibrating the bottoms, hands and feet of motorists.
This could help cut what is by far the most common type of accident – caused by lack of concentration, not speed – by up to 15 per cent, according to a study by Dr Charles Spence of Oxford University.
Studies on vibrating drivers are also being done by the Transport Research Laboratory. I can’t wait for the advertisements.
Shock twist in murder mystery
Previews of television programmes are not often innovative or even surprising, but I was taken aback by the lack of ambition displayed by whoever wrote the summary in a national newspaper for the second episode (of two) last week of Waking the Dead – a programme that features murder investigations by the police. “The identity of the killer is uncovered,” it read. What will they think of next?
Joker or Master Card
I rarely comment on people’s names, in case I’m leant on. But the Company of Makers of Playing Cards have left me little option, for their Master at present is none other than Mr J Card. The only question remaining is whether he pays by Mastercard or plays his joker.