24 January 2005
Indomitable Sheila fingers owls in post poser
A good friend of this site, Richard “Volcano” Meek, has asked me to throw a light on a peculiar discovery in the Fakenham area, sometimes called the black hole of Norfolk.
He writes: “As an intrepid explorer of the Norfolk Interior, I have naturally built up a network of native scouts who keep me well informed. One such is the indomitable Sheila, a Fakenham frontier saloon keeper. This former coypu trapper and bounty hunter is best known for bringing in Dancing Goat, Crazy Horse's more talented brother. “Sheila informs me that the post box outside the nearby mission building now bears the legend ‘Collection at 5.30pm: additional collections will be made as required’.”
Sheila and Richard both wonder how the Post Office can possibly tell when an additional collection is required. He suspects that very small people are located within the box and remain in constant touch with Postal HQ by short-wave radio. She feels this is implausible and suggests it is all done with owls, or possibly newts.
I find it hard to choose between two such obviously attractive options. If I was going to be boring, I might hazard a guess that “as required” is just one of those phrases, like “essential roadworks” and “closed for safety reasons”, that attempt to persuade us that something is happening for a good reason when is it is purely random and without any regard for convenience, health or coherent planning.
OK - that’s enough boredom.
Keeping an eye on road safety
On a couple of occasions I have pondered the mystical meaning behind the road signs that read “Cats’ eyes removed”. But is there a practical explanation?
Reader Peter Hammond, who as a professional driver is particularly concerned for genuine road safety, has noted that the cats’ eyes that have been removed tend not to come back – and that safety is being jeopardised as a result.
Since a mixture of misplaced dogma, general ineptitude and superficial thinking has resulted in our road system being pathetically inadequate for the 21st century, it is vital that everything possible needs to be done to make what we have as safe as possible.
Mr Hammond writes: “We need urgently to replace the scuffed, broken or non-existent cats’ eyes, repaint the erased, abraded and obliterated white lines and begin a programme to paint kerbside lines on all our roads. I also suggest that we fix an orange reflective band on the central reservation crash barrier so that drivers can gain an extra visual guide to which way the road bends.
“All this is non-polluting and aimed purely at making our roads safer.”
But of course it doesn’t make you drive more slowly or punish the driver in any way. So is it a non-starter? Worse, is the removal of cats’ eyes a deliberate attempt to make driving more difficult and thus force us to slow down?
Crazy, perhaps. But frighteningly possible..
Broadcasters hit pronunciation problems
It may not be practical or even desirable to recruit only local people to exciting high-profile positions like broadcasting on Radio Norfolk or BBC East, but you could hope that the chosen ones might get some sort of crash course on Norfolk geography before telling us about what is happening on those of our local roads that are not yet closed to traffic.
A couple of times recently I’ve switched to Radio Norfolk to find a bizarre road warning – first for some place called Wy-mond-ham and then, a couple of days later, for Newton Floatman – which is presumably on the Broads somewhere.
Stunned, I tried Look East early one morning, to be told that the proposed Norwich northern distributor road was designed to ease congestion on the A47. And the M25, no doubt. Someone should really get out of the office more, or talk to someone born in Norfolk.
Pub reveals location of secret garden
Some time back I suggested that a road sign “Concealed farm entrance” ruined any chance the farm had of remaining concealed. While displaced in Suffolk over the festive period I came across another gaff-blowing exercise outside a pub: “Secret garden through door at back of bar”. What next? “Narnia through wardrobe”? Wonderland down rabbit hole”? Newts in pond? Must be something to do with this new Freedom of Information Act. Bit disappointing, really.
Back on solid Irmingland
Reader Karen Tooley has written to reassure me about Irmingland, which I revealed is worringly located by a local guidebook five miles north-west of Hunstanton. Since she lives at Irmingland she is quite convinced that it is in fact, as I first suspected, well inland near Corpusty. More precisely, it is “on the borders of Corpusty, Saxthorpe and Itteringham, and is in the parish of Oulton”.
Karen, who has lived in Irmingland with her family for the past 27 years, adds that the hamlet “is little known, as there are only six families living here, with one of those living in Irmingland Hall, which dates back to the time of Oliver Cromwell. His daughter once resided there.”
Nice to be back on solid ground. This information has all been confirmed by Mrs Hicks, mayor of nearby Little London, north of Cromer.
Nothing funny in prison yard
I was going to point out that the dangers to pedestrians posed by the council’s brave new dislocation of Norwich city centre (or the prison yard, as I prefer to call it), with privileged vehicles coming at you from unexpected directions. But I was pre-empted by the collision last week of a police car and a bus at the heart of the new “system”, which would have been funny if it were not so serious. It’s only a question of time before a taxi collides with a cyclist. No, I know that’s not funny either. None of it is at all funny.