24 May 2004
Lady Julian meets the Pink Panther
I have never thought of Norwich as a noisy city, but the Literary Walk arranged as part of the Norwich Festival changed my mind.
It was not the excellent actors, popping up during the procession to illustrate various events in a vigorous fashion, who left my ears ringing. Nor the different narrators who imparted their vital information stoutly in the face of adverse circumstances. It was those adverse circumstances themselves that got under my skin.
Some of the proliferating noises that interrupted the proceedings were so unexpected that it seemed someone had set out deliberately to produce as many unwanted decibels as possible.
The unpleasant grinding of diesel-spewing lorries and buses could have been anticipated, I suppose, and the cars making heavy weather of getting in and out of the car park off Elm Hill were typical of the rather inept driving that seems to have become the norm in recent years.
But the passing aircraft that interrupted one discourse was unexpected, as was the motor mower in The Close that shattered the cathedral calm. Strangely that was not the only interruption in what might have been thought as a haven of silence: as the actor spoke some lines from Julian of Norwich, she was interrupted by a trumpeter from an open window playing the theme to The Pink Panther – not the happiest of juxtapositions.
In Castle Meadow we had the threatening approach of a motorised street cleaner (happily diverted at the last minute), and somewhere along the way we had the usual emergency sirens and then a barking dog. What are the chances of that happening?
And then of course there were the people who thought they had every right to make as much noise as possible while passing by on the other side – notably Adam’s mother, who felt the need to call repeatedly for her errant offspring in a voice which would have made me think twice before getting back into the Garden of Eden.
Happily, the noisiest item in Norwich – the police helicopter – did not put in an appearance. I suppose we should be grateful for small mercies.
Parrot of mass destruction
It is hard to say which of two alarming news stories in the EDP recently is the more worrying. The first revealed that Japweed – not hi-tech smoking material, but an invasive seaweed – is colonising the East Anglian coastline, with damaging consequences for the ecosystem. The second is that an African parrot was seen driving a car down the A47 towards Yarmouth.
Now I suppose I should be concerned at four-metre-long weed that can overpower kelp, but I have never felt that overpowering kelp was very difficult. It usually just lies there.
So I have to go for the parrot. This is despite the fact that compared with most drivers on the A47, the parrot probably comes near the top of the scale in terms of intelligence, though not in terms of reaching the pedals.
There is a slight suspicion that this particular parrot, spotted perched on the steering wheel, was not actually driving the vehicle, but as the police wisely pointed out, it could have been distracting.
Given that most Norfolk drivers find an empty car distracting and a passenger almost impossible to cope with while attempting to drive safely at the same time, the parrot must be a weapon of mass destruction.
I suggest that some of the speed cameras which have at last been given the push should be relocated in order to pin down the bird. If not, I suggest we invade Africa.
Move to lure tourists into the Empty Quarter
Richard “Volcano” Meek, the world-famous local explorer, has been researching the tourism hot spot of North Norfolk, and is deeply concerned at the lack of balance there.
He says: “I notice that the western half is being sold as the Saltmarsh Coast. This disturbs me, as I feel that saturation point has been reached and more should be done to encourage people to visit the Empty Quarter from Cromer round to Caister.”
This is a radical suggestion, since there is very little in the Empty Quarter but sand and desolation, and many travellers have become disorientated there. But Mr Meek feels we have no alternative.
“Clearly the west cannot take much more,” he says. “Witness my own planning application for a mobile home park and the associated development of Whelk World on Stiffkey marshes. I intend to set up a Tourist Misinformation Office in Fakenham to redirect trippers towards the currently under-visited areas.”
One of his groundbreaking ideas for achieving this is to make certain name changes. “I feel that potential visitors idly perusing the map would be less likely to head for Browncrusty (formerly Brancaster) or Wells-Nowhere-near-The-Sea, whereas Scratocobana or Bactokiki or even Happyboro would prove so much more alluring,” he believes.
“This is clearly not a new idea, as someone has obviously tried before with California and Ostend. I would like to finish the job.”
Suffolk call centres rejected
Houseago Inc, the North Norfolk conglomerate headed by anti-newt activist Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago, 105, has decided against using offshore call centres.
Recent research has revealed a strong tendency for customers of banks and insurance companies to switch from companies using foreign call centres, and Houseago Inc says it understands the problem.
“We were planning to set up a call centre in north Suffolk, near Halesworth,” said spokesman Len “Kissme” Hardy, “because it would be much cheaper, and Suffolk people happily put up with worse working conditions and an inferior football team.
“But our customers have told us that they would not be able to understand what Suffolk people were saying. So we will continue to answer any queries and take orders from our well-established base at Pondhenge.
“We have a very good offer on garden gnomes this week.”
Hot air fails to impress
With the advent last week of summer weather, some of you may have had difficulty breathing and put it down to high pollen counts or global warming.
Sadly, the problem is more radical, but I have not seen it widely advertised. In fact, the only notice warning the public appeared to be at a garage in Ipswich Road, Norwich. It read: “Sorry air not working.”
Sorry air indeed. It should get its act together.