26 April 2004
No-brain method of slowing traffic
I suppose if you asked a small bucket of cement if it could suggest a method of reducing traffic speed, it would advocate putting bumps in the middle of the road.
But it comes as something of a surprise when people who should have slightly more brains than cement come to the same conclusion.
You might think that they would take other things into account – things that never find their way into the one-dimensional statistics that “prove” speed humps work.
• Things like the deaths caused by the inability of emergency services to respond efficiently: the London Ambulance Service says that in its area this could amount to up to 500 deaths a year, which is surprising even to me. • Things like routine pain caused to elderly and infirm passengers in cars, buses and taxis.
• Things like vehicle suspension damage, which Norfolk police says is a minor problem but which could affect vehicle handling and lead to crashes elsewhere.
• Things like noise pollution to nearby residents. Last autumn a builder was driven to digging up a hump with his JCB because it was depriving him and his wife of sleep. Many without access to JCBs would like to do the same.
• Things like injuries to cyclists and pedestrians: I am currently suffering from sprained ankle ligaments and abrasions caused by a bump in the road created during traffic calming operations in the city. I may sue.
All this – my injuries apart – has made the London Assembly recommend ripping out all the capital’s speed humps. But Norfolk is not following suit because (wait for it) “issues that affect London would not necessarily be comparable to Norfolk”. Well, we all know London folk are a breed apart, but can they be all that different? Trowse residents, about to have the humps inflicted on them, may not be convinced.
Speed bumps may reduce accidents, but so would shutting the road completely, putting sugar in cars’ petrol tanks or employing cyclists to slash everyone’s tyres. None of these would be acceptable to most of us.
Just because something has a desired effect, it doesn’t mean we should ignore all of the undesirable effects.
Traffic can be slowed in several ways, if indeed it needs slowing and the bumps don’t appear as a kind of allergic reaction during a bout of political correctness. Even the dreaded chicane pox is much better, and rumble strips and illuminated warning signs are better still. They have been proved to work too.
But speed bumps have become such a knee-jerk reaction that no-one tries to think of anything better. Even hotels have them flung all over their driveways – which has become so irritating that I am planning to check whether they are installed before booking in. “Speed humps? Sorry, I’ll go elsewhere. Give my regards to the cement.”
Secret clothes peg growing fields revealed
Many readers have asked me where clothes pegs come from. I am happy to say that I solved the problem on a recent country walk in the notoriously under-investigated border area of South Norfolk and North Suffolk, where you can go for miles without seeing any signs of sentient life, or even people.
It was here that we stumbled upon an orchard which was cunningly disguised – using apple trees – to look as if apples were grown there. In fact, through the alertness of one of my companions we discovered a cunningly placed wooden tub full of hundreds of clothes pegs, just coming to maturity. We were able to pluck one or two in an environmentally sound sort of way, and they were extremely tasty.
I wonder if readers have come across similar crops in remote parts of East Anglia.
Shot at stopping whales dropping in
Recent speculation on this page concerning beached whales, time-space distortion and the missing Mars probe Beagle 2 has prompted noted Norfolk explorer Richard “Volcano” Meek to remind me that his own theory concerning the whales is much more likely.
I will leave readers to decide. Are they aliens in disguise, attempting to drop on us gently but aggressively by parachute (and failing), and were they really responsible for wiping out the dinosaurs? Mr Meek demands to be taken seriously and urges the powers-that-be to investigate more fully his plans for a Blakeney Point super-gun.
Insurance companies go up against God
The decision to flatten headstones in church graveyards at St Nicholas Church in Dersingham is the tip of the iceberg, our church correspondent writes.
It happened as a result of a health and safety audit, part of a risk assessment for insurance purposes. Future demands by insurance companies are likely to involve taking down spires and towers and removing any wall more than 50 years old. Some tall and unstable vicars may also be at risk.
“The entire Anglican church could be laid low,” said churchwardens’ spokesman M F Umbrage yesterday. “And I am not alone in suspecting the motives of the insurance companies.
“Clearly if you believe in a loving God you are less likely to pay huge insurance premiums. God is a competitor for these people.”
Mr Umbrage pointed out that that the church would not have got off the ground if insurance companies had existed 2000 years ago. “Pentecost would have been extinguished by sprinklers,” he said. “They will be banning baptisms next.”
Shock as birds take newt advice
Alarm was expressed last night by Norfolk legend Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago at a report that great crested newts had joined forces with certain birds in a campaign to make life more difficult for people.
The newts, who have been successful in gaining huge relocation expenses in return for allowing roads to be built in some areas, are believed to be advising stone curlews and nightjars around Brandon.
As a result, the birds are claiming that a badly needed bypass for Brandon is a “threat” to their habitat in nearby Thetford Forest.
“It’s absurd,” said Mr Houseago. “Birds can fly, can’t they? Some people just can’t get things into perspective.”