29 March 2004
Initial problem with ancient wood
The attempt by Norfolk explorer Richard “Volcano” Meek to lead an expedition of intrepid nonagenarians into the unexplored depths of Foxley Wood in search of the original Norfolk man has evoked a response from the almost equally intrepid Norfolk Wildlife Trust, whose headquarters are so remote that I can only just see them from my Norwich bedroom window. PR and communications manager Val Bowers writes: “NWT Foxley Wood, near Dereham, is a remnant of the wildwood that once covered most of Norfolk. This wide swathe of ancient woodland was formed about 8000 years ago when the ice sheet which covered the UK at that time retreated slowly northwards, but now remains only as isolated pockets scattered around the county. “Mr Meek is therefore technically incorrect to call Foxley Norfolk's oldest wood. But at 300 acres, it's certainly the largest. We at NWT regularly lead working parties of willing septuagenarians and octogenarians into the heart of NWT Thursford Wood near Fakenham, which at only 25 acres is a much less daunting prospect than NWT Foxley Wood.
“Foxley's massive size precludes even us, its owner, from beginning to contemplate an exploration of the interior – even if it does indeed harbour surviving members of Homo Norfolkus. So we await with bated breath the outcome of Mr Meek's investigation.”
Not the least intriguing aspect of this whole thing is how Foxley Wood became NWT Foxley Wood. Presumably because we and Mr Meek need reminding who owns it, but I don’t like the trend.
I could end up driving down the HA A11 before cutting across on to the NCC A140, heading up to the NT Felbrigg Park and HI Pondhenge, then paying a later visit to the RSPB Snettisham Reserve, possibly by way of the CC Peddars Way and FC Thetford Forest. And all within what could soon be the EU UK, if we’re not careful.
Cash coup for trounced water dragons
Having been trounced in Norfolk by the stout and rigorous endeavours of county legend Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago, expansionist great crested newts are making a comeback in Wales.
The newts, who through misinformation got themselves placed on the endangered species list, were able – despite Mr Houseago’s overall triumph – to infiltrate certain areas of local government in Norfolk, which have as a result lost all credibility. But in Wales they have managed to spend public money without going to those lengths.
Shortly before a hi-tech business park was built in Denbighshire the newts moved on to the site and achieved a PR coup by getting themselves described in the press as “endearing little blighters” and “miniature water dragons” – a particularly ingenious touch.
They then demanded 12 new ponds and four miles of fencing, plus a relocation fee of £2 million – roughly £6000 per newt. They are being carefully moved in an operation featuring roughly ten times as much care and attention as is spent on moving elderly humans into new care homes when their old ones are closed for no good reason.
While admittedly elderly residents of care homes are not as good as newts at destroying gnats, they are sometimes both endearing and dragon-like, and Mr Houseago has called for an equal amount of money to be spent on them, or at least some. Mr Houseago is 105.
Whales must be on Mars, says UEA man
The sad demise of the latest whale to beach itself off East Anglia is further evidence of life on Mars, according to Professor Ian “Sam” Aufmerksam, of the UEA’s School of Penguins, Chess and Road Surfacing.
Whales are well known for their rejection of logic and all available evidence – rather like Suffolk transport policy makers and certain HGV drivers – which is why they constantly try to swim in water that is too shallow for them. Reports of very small amounts of water on Mars are “more or less proof that there must be whales there too”, said Prof Aufmerksam yesterday.
He was backed up by renaissance man Len “Kissme” Hardy of Hindolveston, who said his ground-breaking theory of the way in which Mars probe Beagle 2 slips between different space-time dimensions could easily be applied to whales.
“It would explain everything,” he added.
Brave new plan to simplify mail delivery
Imminent cutbacks in the much-better-than cars Norfolk bus service have been put down by the owners to “lack of profitability”. Curiously the same reason was given last week for the cancellation of a second postal delivery.
Doesn’t it make you nostalgic for the good old days when you put on a bus service to take people to places, and ran a postal service in order to get letters to people? Nowadays there are no bus companies or mail companies: there are just money companies. The next brave new plan from the Royal Mail is Mail Collect, which is absolutely free: all you have to do is turn up at the sorting office and pick up your mail.
My spies tell me that further breakthroughs are in the pipeline. The “big one” is a plan whereby your friends ring you up and tell you they have a letter for you: you then go round and collect it. The Royal Mail will again be making absolutely no charge.
Biggest week of the year
You may well have missed Science Week this year. If so, it was careless of you, because it was the biggest week of the year – March 12 to 23, which is 12 days, if the leaflet sent to me by a reader is to be believed.
Many people are hoping that this will start a trend, because another five days each week would come in very handy.
But there are sceptics. Have scientists really cracked the time barrier? I am totally convinced. How else would they known what the weather was going to be like in a hundred years’ time? They have obviously been there.
And then there is the City Hall clock, stuck at 11.25 again. It can’t be a coincidence.