15 November 2004
Cultural deprivation result of traffic management
Living in the city of Norwich means that after a while you get used to all the bizarre attempts at traffic management. More were announced last week, and they made as little sense as ever. I was rather less than reassured, for example, by the observation from someone close to the traffic managers on what will happen when the new Chapelfield complex opens: “It’s a total unknown.” Happily I can be more definite: it will be a colossal mess, just like Rose Lane and the Riverside complex.
One of the hidden effects of the road contortions is cultural deprivation: it’s devilishly difficult to get to the Theatre Royal by car, and even harder to park when you get there. A friend who lives in Lowestoft discovered this recently. He could not travel by train because the last train back to Lowestoft left only ten minutes after the performance ended – so much for integrated transport. How to reach the theatre? His first idea (he used to know Norwich when it did make sense) was to turn right into All Saints Green from Queen’s Road, go down Westlegate and straight across. Unfortunately there was an early problem. No right turn into All Saints Green.
His next attempt, logically, was down St Stephen’s and left into Rampant Horse Street. Sadly, no left turn. Advised by a helpful sign, he proceeded along Red Lion Street, up Farmer’s Avenue, along Golden Ball Street and then down Westlegate – reaching the point where he started – and across. That’s four extra streets’ worth of unnecessary pollution, bang in the middle of the city.
It was getting late. He followed another sign to the Malthouse and Assembly Rooms car parks, only to find building work blocking the road. He then tried the Chantry car park. It was full.
One of his passengers then spied the car park under the Forum. Unfortunately the only way of getting to it was to drive way out to the inner link road, go round the Chapelfield roundabout and come back again along Cleveland Street and Bethel Street.
His ordeal was not over: a barrier at the Forum was broken, and there was more, which space does not permit me to relate. He reached the theatre half an hour late. He is a gentleman, not one to start a row or create a fuss. He asks: “Are these simply ordinary everyday occurrences for those who come to the theatre often?”
The answer, sadly, is that people are going to come to the theatre less often. There is only so much drama you can sit through.
Throttling all the love out of life
Helen Keller said: “Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. Security does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than exposure.” Because we do not believe her (after all, she was deaf and blind), we have the health and safety industry, which throttles all the love and enthusiasm out of life on a routine basis.
For several years, friends of mine have been paying weekly visits to elderly people in a Norwich residential home. Obviously they are nice people, or they would not be doing it.
A couple of weeks back, they were told that the home had had an inspection, and as a result they had to stop visiting until they were checked by the police. This would take a few weeks.
Result: the elderly people have been deprived of their visitors for perhaps a couple of months. The friends, being determined, are getting their police checks – others might easily have been put off completely. It means paperwork and proves very little.
The home didn’t want this, nor did the residents, nor did my friends and, I suspect, nor did the police.
But the health and safety people are happy – if that’s not too risky an emotion – because all the boxes will have been ticked, and that’s what health and safety people like. Ticking boxes is death, and nothing is safer than death. Sorry, Helen.
Brave new schools scheme from newts welcomed
Following the collapse of the county schools PFI scheme – perhaps the most widely predicted disaster in the history of Norfolk – a consortium of great crested newts has come up with a project which it promises will “give the county a whole range of cutting-edge school buildings”.
The consortium, which is based in old railway sidings at Melton Constable, pledges to do all the necessary work in about three months or so and to use only the best materials if possible. It says the paperwork will easily be completed by head teachers within three weeks “unless they have to teach, or want to sleep or something”.
The newts say they will be responsible for all the upkeep of the new buildings if they are still in business and have the time to fit it in. They will also devise a curriculum and appoint staff and tell councillors what to do.
A spokesman for the county council said: “This is a fantastic offer. We can’t see anything wrong with it at all.”
Radical advice from Pondhenge for crime victims
The advice by top police officers to run away and hide if you see a burglar has been enthusiastically supported by Pondhenge Police, in North Norfolk.
Retired Acting Chief Superintendent Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago said last night: “We see this as a big step forward in reducing crime. There will be far fewer people in court.”
He wants the Association of Chief Police Officers to go further and issue advice to the public on other crimes.
“If you are being murdered, we suggest you lie back and let it happen,” he said. “It avoids all those irritating additional injuries that come from resisting. We are also urging banks to leave their doors open so that robbers don’t need to damage the paintwork. And to avoid being attacked by drunken yobs, we suggest you buy them a drink.”
He agreed these were radical ideas but felt sure the public would respond.
Gentle dig
Which literary group described the Assembly House in Norwich on its leaflets as having a gentile atmosphere? I couldn’t possibly comment, but if you’re interested in comparisons, try Wensum Lodge, the older part of which is in premises formerly owned by Isaac Jurnet, a wealthy non-gentile. Quite a different atmosphere, I’m sure you’ll agree.