18 October 2004
Leg length crisis could end life as we know it
Scientists have discovered that since 1982 the average length of an 18-year-old female’s legs has increased by almost an inch. The legs of 18-year-old men have grown by just over an inch in the same period.
Alarmed by the implications, which are clearly linked to increased car use, the Government is proposing to pour funds into the School of Penguins, Chess and Road Surfacing at the University of East Anglia, providing it sets up a research unit which will predict disaster within the next century.
Computer models and statistics have already been devised which will reveal that people will be too tall for most buildings by 2050 unless we start using public transport, however erratic, noisy and polluting that may be.
Professor Ian “Sam” Aufmerksam said: “There is a clear consensus in the scientific community that this astonishing leg growth can only have been caused by the use of cars and, possibly, electricity. Nothing like it has ever happened before. We must act immediately. Excuse me, you’re standing on my bike.”
Internationally, the increase in leg length has caused so much concern – especially in the fashion industry – that a summit conference is being held in Japan to impose stringent constraints on the developed, or long-legged, nations which are failing to use leg-warmers in any way.
At home a Government spokesperson said: “We intend to impose huge taxes on people who do not comply with scientific recommendations. We have already redirected cash that was going to be used for aid projects to finance this work and counter lengthening legs – the biggest threat to civilisation as we know it.”
Dissenting scientists claim that longer legs will be of greater benefit to mankind because it will enable them to walk further, but this has been dismissed as a “minority” view and “similar to fundamentalists who believe the earth is flat and kill people”.
Signs of a mutating virus
Alerted by my comments last time about the mysterious 10mph speed limit at roadworks near Brooke, a perceptive friend has spotted a 10mph sign before the level crossing just north of Thetford on the A1075. She observed: “Curiously, there is then nothing to indicate that you can stop driving at 10mph before the 50mph signs begin a few miles later at Wretham. “And it seems you only have to slow down to 10mph if you are going north. Perhaps it's a cunning county council plot to discourage Thetford people from escaping.”
This is certainly a possibility, since statistics show that Thetford people are safest in Thetford. But I wonder if these 10mph signs are what they seem.
I understand that a new form of life has been discovered in Bradford – a kind of giant virus “so bizarre and unlike anything else that perhaps it should be placed in its own category of living things”, according to genetic analysts.
It does not seem beyond the bounds of possibility that these 10mph signs, which seem to sprout of their own accord for no good reason, are a similar new form of life, perhaps feeding on tarmac, roadside plants or deer.
Some analysts, such as Len “Kissme” Hardy of Hindolveston, have suggested that the ever-expanding 20mph signs, already established to plague levels in many habitats, are also like giant viruses, and are now mutating.
More work clearly needs to be done on this before we are overrun in our beds.
Anger at Pondhenge over Whitehall name game
The University of Pondhenge, in North Norfolk, has reacted angrily to Government attempts to compel it to recruit more students whose names begin with the letter X.
Vice-chancellor Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago, 105, said last night: “Apparently we, like Oxford and Cambridge – to whom we are often compared – are alleged to be deliberately aiming our recruiting at people whose names do not begin with X.
“This is ridiculous. I will admit that our current student list is very short of people whose names begin with X, but this is a freak occurrence. We are open to everybody.”
The Government has set up a regulator – the Office for Fairness to Every Name (OFTEN) – to ensure that all universities, especially Pondhenge, recruit more students whose names begin with X. According to statistics, such people have been deterred from applying because of perceived discrimination and the wrong choice of school or parents.
Universities who do not comply will have to pay a large fine to the Government, or supply a goose for the Whitehall Christmas party.
Threat of reprisals over clocks move
Forces loyal to the radical Anglican cleric, the Rev Nick “Nick” Reppscumbastwick, are threatening reprisals in East Norfolk if plans to put the clocks back go ahead.
A statement issued to the minority radio channel, Broadland, which has long been recognised as a mouthpiece for radical Anglicans, said: “It is sacrilege to even consider moving clocks. Clocks must be allowed to stay where they are. If they were moved back, most church towers would fall down. “We have spent all summer pinning down the powers of darkness, and although they are expanding rapidly, we know exactly where they are. If clocks go back, there is no telling where the darkness will be. Even Lowestoft could be at risk.”
The statement continued with veiled threats of congregations rising up and boycotting Sunday shopping, but a police spokesman said he thought this was unlikely to happen, as congregations only rose up when the liturgy required them to.
Nevertheless the chief constable is taking the threat seriously and has deployed several speed cameras to the area. “You can never tell with Anglicans,” he said.
Newts may have mole inside authority
Reader John Pitchers suggests that the Broads Authority’s apparent campaign to convert its area to kilometres independently of the county council or anyone else may have been inspired by the notoriously expansionist great crested newts.
The newts, possibly influenced by their cousins – the Austrian cave salamanders, to whom kilometres are second nature – have long been known for their desire to interfere with normal human life in an attempt to destroy it.
They may have a mole inside the Broads Authority. Mr Pitchers points out the clinching clue that newtons are a metric measure of weight.