5 January 2004
Gnome report suppressed
A shocking report compiled at the request of Professor Ian “Sam” Aufmerksam, of the University of East Anglia, was not revealed on Boxing Day.
The report, which showed definitively that 120 per cent of the population were in favour of reducing road accidents by the careful placement of garden gnomes, and that casualties in gnome-introduction areas had been totally eliminated, was put together by Prof Gnide Quiddity, who is a close colleague of Prof Aufmerksam’s in the world-famous School of Penguins, Chess and Road Surfacing.
It also showed, for the first time, that vehicles standing still were involved in about 50 per cent of speed-related collisions.
The report, as well as being secret and confidential, was completely independent. It was produced because of the almost total absence of discussion about speed from the pages of the EDP or any other media in the known universe.
Prof Aufmerksam said yesterday: “This was a totally ground-breaking report which we had compiled carefully together – sorry, I mean Prof Quiddity had compiled totally independently and with absolutely no agenda of his own.
“We had intended to leak it to the press on Boxing Day when no-one was around to check it or see through it – sorry again, I mean because there would be so little news around that it would be bound to make the front page.
“No, I see I’ve got that wrong too. It was so that it would make a huge impact on people’s breakfast tables, and they could take it on board when their intellects were at their most razor-sharp.
“Unfortunately we were outsmarted. The Chief Constable of Norfolk released a report that was even more bizarre and incredible, and of course he has more influence than us, as well as a large building at Wymondham. So it was all over.”
The School of Penguins, Chess and Road Surfacing is now researching the effect of garden gnomes on senior policemen. Prof Quiddity has lost his parking space.
Objects in terror campaign
Inanimate objects in the Cromer area launched a campaign of terror against residents in the run-up to Christmas.
Although not widely reported, this affected a large number of people. Our North Norfolk correspondent, Cole Turkey, reports.
“Good morning, everybody. Yes, wherever I turn in Cromer I hear tales of central heating pumps deliberately breaking down, just as festivities are getting under way. No organisation has as yet claimed responsibility, but the Campaign for Annoying Residents (CAR) is suspected. Here is a local woman, who prefers to remain anonymous.”
Local woman: “I had to ask the heating engineer round for about five visits prior to Christmas. He became such a regular visitor that he felt it necessary to point out that he didn't like sprouts, and not to bother getting any cranberry sauce.”
Cole Turkey: “Another anonymous woman has had problems with her plumbing. This is what she has to say."
Another anonymous woman: “I've found that plumbing in Cromer gets blocked, leaks spring where they haven't sprung before, and plastic sinks start to refuse to hold water even with the plug in, because the little bits round the holes in the trap have a life of five years, which always comes to an end on December19.
“This leaves me barely enough time to drive around in the fog to visit five outlets in order to get the required bit (consisting mainly of the vital holes), plus about ten other attachments that aren't really required but nevertheless must be purchased with the holes.”
Cole Turkey: “Well, there you have it. We must all be vigilant in the coming difficult times. And now back to the studio. Hello? Is anyone there?”
Quick thinking
I had compiled a list of awards for the most bizarre speed-related statements, placements, claims, statistics and pictures of 2003, but I am omitting these out of respect for those of a sensitive disposition.
However, I cannot deprive readers of one strange sign, spotted by a correspondent on the A149 as it leaves cuddly Repps with Bastwick and makes its way towards a more craftsmanlike Potter Heigham.
The sign is simply “Slow Down” – but it is placed precisely where the 40mph limit ends and the 50mph one begins. It also contains an extra word. “Think”. I suspect someone didn’t.