19 January 2004
Mistake to let motorists off too lightly
David Blunkett’s plan to make motorists who exceed the speed limit pay extra to compensate the victims of crime is a stroke of brilliance.
The only reservation I have is that it does not go far enough.
I suggest that such motorists should be made to go to see the victims of all crimes committed in their area and apologise to them in person, then offer to do their shopping for them.
Following this they should go to see Mr Blunkett and, possibly from a kneeling position, beg his forgiveness and offer to wear an electronic tag.
They should then organise a gathering of everyone within a one-mile radius of their home who hasn’t got a car and rend their clothes in front of them. Sackcloth and ashes would be an option.
They should personally build a road hump out of material extracted from their garden and insert it in the street outside their house.
Lastly, they should purchase a speed camera, using money loaned by the government at an exorbitant rate of interest, and place it at a spot where it is likely to raise maximum revenue for Mr Blair, shooting any vandals who may want to interfere.
What do I mean, lastly? Why not authorise super-wardens – those elf-like figures who may or may not be immortal – to knee motorists in the groin and batter them around the head with a parking meter?
And to make life absolutely perfect, who not arrange an honour – say a knighthood – for everyone who writes to a newspaper or e-mails a radio or TV programme to say that everyone should stay below the speed limit and then there wouldn’t be a problem? In fact, why not make it a Nobel Prize? After all, original thinkers should be rewarded.
As for burglars, perhaps they could meet the Queen.
Council does what it likes
Writing a page like this is sometimes a bit like hitting your head against a brick wall – especially where Norwich City Council is concerned.
This is hardly surprising, since the council specialises in not responding to concern from the public. When faced with the appalling mess they had made of the inoffensive North Park Avenue in Norwich – transforming a safe street into a dangerous one, full of blind spots and bottlenecks – a councillor informed a concerned local resident: “We can do what we like.”
So that’s all right, then. No doubt the same applies to the nonsensical no-right-turn introduced at Foundry Bridge, forcing through-traffic into narrow residential streets. Maybe there’s a council policy of making life difficult for residents. It should go down really well at the next election.
One reader points out to me that this latest change is bound to be a success, because no-one will turn right – and that will be the criterion for judging it. I am sure he is correct. But eventually it must dawn on the council – which is not the sharpest tool in the set – that if it can do what it likes, why bother with criteria?
Encroaching countryside threatens village
Most of Eccles-on-Sea, between Happisburgh and Sea Palling, succumbed to the waves of the North Sea some time ago. New research reveals that its namesake – Eccles Road, near Attleborough – is under threat from a quite different source.
Prof V A R Scheinlich, of the Autonomous Republic of Hingham, has produced a document that suggests Eccles Road is in danger of falling into the countryside. “It is not easy to spot,” he told me, “but if you look carefully you can see the gradual encroachment of fields and trees, led by the occasional bramble. With global warming, this will of course accelerate.”
He fears that Eccles Road will eventually be “eaten like a cake”. He pointed to many other towns and villages that have been swallowed up by the countryside in the past and added: “It’s a silent menace. Not many people are aware of it, except me. And Mrs Hicks, of course.”
He is calling for a flint wall to be erected around the village to safeguard it.
Norfolk travel master plan
Following last week’s shock revelation concerning future travel in Norfolk, I am able to reveal the second part of the leaked master plan to reduce congestion in the north of Norwich.
This involves taking Norwich International airport back into public ownership and converting it into a giant car park. A second mega-car park will be built just off the Thickthorn roundabout, and a bus will connect the two 24 hours a day.
Why? People living in places like Sheringham, Cromer and North Walsham will be able to drive to the airport, get in the bus, and at Thickthorn pick up the family’s second car and drive it to Thetford and beyond.
Simple, isn’t it? It’s amazing no-one has thought of it before.
Speed: time for reflection
The award for 2003’s most blatant misuse of a speed camera was going to the Norfolk Speed Camera Promotion Partnership for its Grapes Hill camera in Norwich, which is so obviously ridiculous that it is not even worth discussing.
But this has been pushed into second place by their Dorset colleagues, who fined the deputy mayor of Portland £60 for travelling at 51mph in a 30mph zone, only to discover that he was able to prove from their own pictures that he had been travelling at less than 15mph.
The Dorset partnership said the miscalculation had been caused by a “reflected image”, which was an “extremely rare occurrence”.
Really? I wonder how rare. I also wonder why they don’t check their own pictures before issuing penalty notices. Is it because they assume that no-one will challenge them, and that magistrates are not interested in anyone who does? If so, how widespread is this attitude? Extremely rare, I hope. I wonder if it could happen in Norfolk.
Most revealing statement by speed camera fan: “We can only stay in business if there are enough people speeding to pay for the cost of the whole operation.”