12 January 2004
Boldly going into new space
I wandered almost by chance the other day into Jobcentre Plus, Norwich. I wanted to go into Baltic House in Mountergate, but they closed it down just before I got there, and moved everything – for my convenience, no doubt – over to the other side of the city.
I had heard about jobcentres, of course, but the Plus intrigued me. I suppose it’s meant to convey to the casual punter that there’s more to it than meets the eye.
What does meet the eye isn’t exactly clear-cut. Most of the time it’s Jobcentre Plus, but sometimes it’s jobcentreplus. That would be because it’s a modern service. I know it’s a modern service because it says so in The Phone Book – which used to be called the Telephone Directory when it was less modern and had even Wells-on-Sea numbers in it.
The other reason I know Jobcentre Plus is a modern service is because it has no signs in it, other than the Plus. It’s rather like the Starship Enterprise, in fact, with computer outlets sprouting all over the place and people wandering around looking as if they’re boldly going somewhere no-one has gone before, and can’t quite make it out.
There is a niggling feeling that one might be beamed up or down at any moment.
I checked with one of the crew members – possibly an ensign – and found that I should be standing in what N F Simpson would have described as the nucleus of a queue, which was forming in apparently random fashion next to one of the computer terminals, in the way that a group of crocuses sprouts unexpectedly in January by the back door.
Nothing much happened for a long time – several light years, at a guess. I assumed we must be in a black hole or similar phenomenon. Maybe it was a normal day in space.
Eventually I reached something that I was told was General Inquiries – possibly a pseudonym for Captain Kirkplus. And I am happy to report that my query was expertly dealt with, as you might expect in a starship. I did pose a question or two about the absence of signs and was told it was “the new vision”. The crew seemed somewhat mystified themselves, which I put down to some kind of alien mind-meld. But they were quite cheerful about it.
I did notice a few Klingons wandering around, but of course that kind of thing is routine. Unless they’ve taken over, and not told anyone.
No, right: we're just lucky
It’s comforting to know that Norwich City Council’s daft decision to ban right turns from Thorpe Road into Riverside Road will probably be enforced by those nice, compassionate traffic-warden-like figures who have no interest at all in making money, reaching targets or impressing their employers.
I wonder how much money the council envisages making out of its bizarre decision, which benefits no-one and makes life less pleasant for a lucky selection of residents and road users who don’t really matter at all, because they certainly aren’t going to vote Liberal Democrat.
The lucky residents of the winding and narrow Rosary Road, for instance, who now experience all the joys of the additional through traffic.
The lucky residents of steep and narrow Chalk Hill Road, who also have more vehicles chugging past their houses. (No doubt it is only a question of time before they get humps, which means they will have bangs and extra exhaust emissions too.) And the lucky drivers who reach the Foundry Bridge lights intending to turn right, only to find they have to plough on into the city or turn off in exactly the opposite direction to the one in which they wanted to go.
Something mind-warping seems to have got into the traffic management department. Perhaps we should go in and rescue them.
Enough said
Having drawn your attention to one exciting road sign on the A149, which invites you to slow down just as you enter a faster speed limit, I feel I have to give you another. Just down the road apiece, not far from Smallburgh, is the vital information: “Cats common”. True enough, but surely not worth mentioning on a road where so much else needs to be said.
Eyes front, if you can
Following the screening of Shattered – a pseudo-reality show in which the contestants try to stay awake – Channel 4 is planning a follow-up series in which the viewers try to stay awake instead.
“We feel this is much more of a challenge,” said spokesperson Dorothea Goodchild (no relation).
“It’s the Holy Grail of reality TV, as well as being the fatted calf, the shibboleth and the Promised Land.”
The new show – working title Empty Your Heads – is scheduled to go out.
“If we crack this one, we’ve got it made,” said Ms Goodchild, 17.
Restricted area
A secret document has been sent to me that could affect the whole face of Norfolk as we know it. Its implications are so enormous that I can only release a small part of it in order to avoid panicking the entire population.
Its intentions are to solve the traffic problem at a stroke, but it involves giving dictator-like powers to an individual who is as yet unnamed.
Under the new plans only the residents of Norfolk will be allowed to have and use cars within the county, and then only under strict regulation.
Two large transport interchanges will be built – one on the A11 and the other on the A47 – where goods will be unloaded from articulated vehicles into small, pallet-sized containers which will be towed behind bicycles. A range of bicycles will be made available to individuals and families who arrive by car.
There is more that I cannot uncover yet. Astoundingly, there are no plans to put the scheme out to public consultation.