18 August 2003
Crop circle shock
Shock pictures have reached this page of a totally new variation on crop circles discovered in South Norfolk.
Experts agree that two features set this particular example apart from the usual run of crop circles. One is that it is not a circle, and the second is that there does not appear to be a crop. In all other respects it is identical.
There is, as always, dispute as to what the figure represents. Prof Ian “Sam” Aufmerksam of the School of Penguins, Chess and Road Surfacing at the University of East Anglia suggests that is clear than an alien intelligence is trying to reach us.
“It is fairly obvious that the letters T and O are represented,” he told our reporter. “This means that the aliens want us to go somewhere. I believe the long straight line means that we have to be prepared to undertake a long journey. As the whole thing is a light colour, this may mean that it involves light speed.”
Prof V A R Scheinlich, whose pioneering work on knot theory revolutionised the theory of everything, was more sceptical. “This could be a natural phenomenon,” he said. “In certain climatic conditions a whirlpool effect can distort soil patterns so that they appear to be a message from aliens, especially in summer. A lot of respectable scientists have been fooled.”
He pointed out that this crop circle had appeared not too far from the Autonomous Republic of Hingham, which was well known for wormholes, time distortion and unusual versions of democracy. I have been sworn to secrecy concerning the exact location of this crop circle, but it is in fact at Tibenham, coincidentally the home of Norfolk Gliding Club. Locals suggest that the circle is in fact in the shape of a glider, and the right wingtip actually touches an access path, indicating that it may be man-made. But this is clearly too bizarre a theory to take seriously.
Motorway maintenance
A regular reader tells me that he was clergy-spotting in the Cathedral Close, Norwich, where many bishops, deans and lesser-beaked canons pause to feed on their summer flight south, when he caught sight of something even more bizarre: a large contractors' lorry bearing the legend Motorway Maintenance. There is clearly no need for Motorway Maintenance lorries to be in Norfolk at all, and some say they should be barred at the border. What was going on?
According to my informant, there is a Roman road in the vicinity of The Close, under or near the cathedral. Could it be that a section of it is being secretly upgraded to six lanes to compensate for the closure of Queen Street to cars? And is there any connection between this and the maze in the Cloisters?
The public should be told.
Wrong kind of tunnels
I was intrigued to read recently that the tunnel just outside Ipswich railway station, not far from Norfolk, will have to be closed so that it can be made bigger – apparently to accommodate taller container trucks.
This may be part of a perfectly reasonable European campaign to make life as difficult as possible for England, like the obligation to strengthen half our road bridges to take their heavier lorries. Well, it beats declaring war on us, I suppose. But if not, we must be insane. Making a tunnel bigger to fit bigger trucks is like increasing the size of a house to accommodate a mammoth sofa.
Surely the sensible course is to construct trucks to fit the tunnels we have? And while we’re at it, why don’t we build buses and lorries to fit our roads?
Half the congestion in Norwich (and most of the pollution) is caused by heavy vehicles blocking two lanes and taking an age to manoeuvre round tight corners. Buses and lorries are totally unsuitable for many of the country roads they travel on. Yet we continue to be mesmerised into building wider and longer vehicles.
Fenced off by sandcastle shortage
The latest frightener dredged up by climate change scientists is likely to have the biggest impact of the lot. According to reports, if climate change is unchecked, we may not be able to build sandcastles in future.
Obviously this is worrying. I don’t know how I will manage, personally. But I am also a little curious. Even if the sea level does rise, there will surely still have to be a coast somewhere. Unless of course the whole island disappears, in which case sandcastle loss may not be our top priority.
In any case, I have the solution. We must simply put fences along the beach, as we do along rivers where people tend to fall in. The fences would not only hold back the rising water levels but prevent reckless holidaymakers from swimming or paddling. There is too much of that going on.
I have a dream: a fence all the way round the British Isles, so that we will all be totally secure. Health and safety, eat your heart out.
Parking saints encourage walkers
A recent survey revealed that more people walk to work in Norwich than in any other big town or city in the region. As a regular city walker, I would like to think this is because of residents’ health-consciousness, but I suspect it is more to do with the lack of parking spaces.
One refreshing thing about parking in Norwich, however, is the permit areas, which are named after saints like Clement, Peter, Julian and Giles – a group which will I suspect be known in future as the patron saints of permit parking.
A surprise omission (unless I have overlooked him) is St Jude, the patron saint of lost causes. Residents attempting to find a slot among the white vans that infest our street would certainly see him as an appropriate replacement for our sadly anonymous and unholy Zone B.