23 July 2003
Appalling catalogue of broken loves
Norfolk County Council is planning emergency measures to combat the dangerous proliferation of speed dating in this hitherto quiet and sedate part of the country.
Members and officers are convinced that speed dating, which originated in >America, is the cause of at least a third and probably half of a long list of broken hearts in Norfolk, which are on the increase and costing the National Health Service millions.
Bypasses are not available because of financial difficulties, according to the regional planning team.
Studies by the Dating Research Laboratory have shown that while inattention, carelessness and stupidity are to blame for most accidents of this nature, speed dating is a big factor, especially if you assume that nearly all dating is speed dating. The pressure group Delight 2003 is also urging the Government to clamp down and introduce draconian measures to stop what it calls “this horrific catalogue of wasted loves”.
Speed dating in its pure form involves groups of females armed with “date cards” sitting round a table. The men then prowl around the perimeter of the table, also armed with date cards. Individuals tick against the name of any person they would like to get to know better, and at the end of the evening, which is very short due to the level of embarrassment involved, persons are fixed up with one another.
“This is clearly appallingly dangerous,” said council spokesman G C Newt. “We intend to introduce two main measures. First, we will install speed cameras in the halls where this practice takes place and where statistics show there have been a number of broken hearts.
“These cameras will be painted bright black so that they are easily visible.
“We also plan to put in speed humps, to slow down the progress made by young men round the table.
“This will enable them to get a good look at the young women and avoid making a costly mistake by jamming on the brakes too soon. And vice, of course, versa.”
Mr Newt said there were also plans to protect the young women by introducing parking fines for young men who were shopping in too restricted an area. He added that the use of mobile phones would be strictly forbidden.
Asked whether those determined to speed date would simply move into smaller and more congested halls, which might be even more dangerous, Mr Newt said he thought the council would quickly adapt. It was determined to make money out of the situation. Distinguishing between documents
More clues have emerged to the exact nature of the job done by the director of organisational development at Norwich City Council. Apparently one of the things she has to do is work out which documents have to be typed properly.
This has of course necessitated a certain amount of reorganisation, developmentwise, and all the good display screen operators have been rounded up and named.
We will not name them here, because they are innocent, but we know who they are.
You might think that all documents emanating from the council should be typed properly, but this is not so.
If you want to produce a document that is fewer than 10 pages long and includes no complex graphics, you must do it yourself, even if your keyboard skills hover around the absolute minimum.
Unless, of course, accuracy is important, and in my experience this is rarely the case.
Oh, and unless the image of the council could be affected. I don't think we need worry about that.
I don't know about you, but if I worked in City Hall (as I once did, surprisingly), I would be trying hard to produce documents that were at least 10 pages long, with graphics, where accuracy was vital and the image of the council was affected.
It's known as hedging your bets. And it could explain a great deal about council documents.
Ground-breaking vegetables
A Norfolk man is pioneering a totally new kind of genetically modified crop that he claims will pose no threat to human, animal or plant life – but “could make things difficult for politicians”.
Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago, 104, has planted three fields of his ground-breaking protest peas near Erpingham. He said last night: “These are much better than those garden peas that just roll around in a seasick sort of way.
“These have got a bit of oomph. They have something to say.”
Asked what it was they had to say, he replied: “They are in the Norfolk mould. They do different. They are against all kinds of things.”
He added: “I call them Tolstoy. They are warring peas.”
Mr Houseago added that he was negotiating with a wind farm to grow his peas on a commercial basis.
“Wind farms are the coming thing,” he pointed out. “They have already been linked with baked beans, but I plan to get in quickly. I have the stomach for it.”
Look – no hands
A friend of this page who is involved in traffic surveys in Norwich city centre reports a fascinating and frightening fact: women using mobiles while “in control” of a car were observed to outnumber males almost four to one.
Most of these females are, judging by appearance, under 30. I suppose I would have been more surprised if I had not seen just such an individual the other day merrily passing a traffic light on Riverside while doing her safety belt up with one hand and holding a mobile phone to her ear with the other. Don't ask me what she was doing with her knees.