9 June 2003
Absurdity police would be welcome
Insiders at Norwich City Hall report deep concern there at news from Latvia that an anti-absurdity bureau has been formed to deal with its government's excessive "foolishness" and bizarre behaviour.
Apparently the bureau receives about 10 complaints a day, and there is a risk that it could catch on in other countries. This would clearly be worrying for the consortium of great crested newts and coypu that now form a majority in the running of the city council in our own fair county, following a general haemorrhaging of edgy and confused staff.
Conflict is looming at present over the mind-bogglingly complex Green Travel plan – already mentioned here – which intends radical change to the arrangements for employees who need to be mobile to do their jobs.
Their trade union, Unison, has rejected the dogma-haunted plan, raising the spectre of industrial action and disruption to Norwich services.
The reaction has been swift and draconian. The director of organisational development – apparently an actual job – has offered some "Advice to Employees" which includes the odd demand that employees notify the "Staff Christmas Parking Mailbox" if they intend to take industrial action.
Presumably in the spirit of Christmas, the advice continues with notification of possible pay deductions, suspensions, disciplinary action and – even worse – car parking fines.
Employees will clearly be encouraged by this turn of events.
It seems that the worsening atmosphere at City Hall over the last two or three years, reported by a mole to stem from an emphasis on cash-saving instead of service delivery, is not due for improvement any time soon.
I suspect that an anti-absurdity initiative could change all that.
We uncover people saved by cameras
Following meticulous research conducted by this page, we can reveal that we are now in possession of a list of the 46 people described by Norfolk speed camera supremo Bryan Edwards as "still walking around Norfolk, going about their lives that could have been killed in accidents" in the absence of cameras.
Naturally we would not want to embarrass these people by naming them here, but we can reveal that 17 of them, astonishingly, live in the Autonomous Republic of Hingham, and the rest of them within 70 miles of it. Some of them are so grateful to the speed cameras that saved their lives that they are having private ones erected in their gardens.
We hope this research will reassure those people who feel that the cameras are used purely to raise money and snare vandals. At the same time we feel that Mr Edwards' warning that such vandals "could end up with a life sentence" is unduly lenient: castration is surely the more civilised option.
With any luck our findings will also pre-empt recent evidence from a Government-sponsored study that much cheaper electronic warning signs are more effective at speed reduction than cameras. This is clearly irrelevant, since they do not raise money.
We can also reveal more ground-breaking discoveries concerning accidents on the Broads. Apparently speed is a factor in more than 90 per cent of these, and plans are afoot to erect cameras at black spots. Scientists are also investigating how to install humps, or "waves" (Water Arcs Versus Excess Speed), in the major rivers.
Whales: the folk memory
Explorer Richard "Volcano" Meek, whose revolutionary theories concerning Norfolk's dead whales were published here first, tells me that he has had some further ideas about the phenomenon.
He now believes that the whales dropping from the sky in times past may have caused the pingos that are so prevalent in the Watton area. There may also be a remote chance that falling whales wiped out the dinosaurs, thought this will not be certain until the BBC broadcasts a series on it called Walking under Whales.
Astutely, Mr Meek points out that our phrase "raining cats and dogs" is clearly a folk memory of these events.
Unaware of anger?
My comments a month ago on the abandon with which KLM overbooks seats in its planes brought numerous replies from people similarly affected – one from as far afield as Nairobi.
It would be strange if the airline was unaware of the anger it causes, and of how long that anger lingers in people's minds. Its attempts to justify the practice are the opposite of reassuring.
One of its staff told me in Amsterdam: "We can never guarantee that you'll get a seat." Clearly it's unreasonable to assume that they could. After all, we've only paid for it. In full. In advance.
Yes, it is available
Apologies to those one or two people who attempted to purchase my poetry book, Mist and Fire, from Prospect House in Norwich. It is not available there, but can be purchased direct from me.
Write c/o the EDP, and your letter will be passed on – or simply e-mail me. The price of the book is £4.50, but since readers of this page are totally trustworthy, I am happy to supply a copy on approval.
Don’t look now
Thousands of people were shocked beyond measure by news from the British Medical Association last week that most hospital accident and emergency departments met a Government target while they were being monitored, but not before or after.
Astonishingly, special arrangements had been made to meet the targets during monitoring – including cancelling routine operations, bringing in temporary staff or enforcing double shifts for doctors and nurses.
I am sorry to say that I was not at all surprised. It is, after all, simply an extension of the general principle – true down to the behaviour of the tiniest particles – that observing something makes it behave differently.
The Government, sadly, does not know this. We should probably tell it.